AllThe$ingleLadiez

$L#5 went on a secret eHarm date, plus a new blog

2010-08-05T13:40:00.001-07:00

Hola old friends - if anyone still reads you will be interested to know that (1) $ingle lady #5 went on an eH date without telling you and (2) I, $L2 decided that I can't live without blogging. But I also don't want to internet date any more so feel free to visit me at http://sorryforwinning.blogspot.com. Still undergoing cosmetic improvements...

$ingle Lady #4 - All things must come to an end...

2010-05-25T06:50:00.001-07:00

No, I am not quitting the blog.

The eHarmz membership expired this past week and I was fairly happy about it. Taking the wise advice from $L 2's cancellation experience, I made sure to do it the day before it expired (per my outlook calendar reminder, again thank you for the advice $L 1). I was messaging with John, 26, Lawyer, however the conversating was not stimulating enough and we had exchanged one message back and forth. Not urgent enough to throw a desperate, "my membership is expiring, here is my email address, etc., please contact me." I'm happy that I no longer feel like I have to tend to my matches and maintain communication. Too much effort for lackluster matches.

So alas, I made it out of the 3 months with 1 date under my belt. Not the outcome I was hoping for, but what this has come to show us all is that the Boston internet dating pool is limited. So I shall return to my weekend activities of day drinking and attending fun events and playing organized sports that I have not dared to play in years and years. But I am hoping by getting myself involved in these fun summer plans to hopefully meet someone! You never know.

I did meet a very nice Canadian boy this weekend, which only further confirmed my love for the country to our north. I have spent substantial time in Canada over the last year for work and I have come to conclude that it is a fantastic country. The food is better there, the beers are bigger, they have fashionable eyeglasses, and apparently the guys are much nicer too. I somehow found myself hanging out with a 30 man Aussie rules football team on Saturday night and we were clearly outnumbered with the 8 girls I was with. I got to talking to Zack who was very cute and we had excellent conversation, not the boring kind or the kind that is just sweet talking you to try to get you to take him home. It haven't had a meaningful conversation like that with an American male in a very long time. He seemed very genuine and it gives me (slight) hope that not every boy is going to break your heart or disappoint you. But alas, he lives in Canada so my dream match with Zach is not feasible. Aren't they always.

I promise to continue my blogging about my other summer adventures, as I was never off the market.

xox,

$L4

$ingle Lady #1 - Meatloaf: Not a replacement for 5th date chicken, but so, so much more...

2010-05-21T12:48:00.001-07:00

I've spent a predominantly lazy, largely unsupervised Friday afternoon perusing my newly instated matches. In an effort to entice me to fork over another $120, eHarmz has been continuing to send me my perfect doods since I retired, leaving me with quite a bunch to sift through. Bring on the man of my dreams!

My selective amnesia of my first beginning encounter with eHarmony was jolted back into reality when I realized most of them are still woof, and short woofs at that. However I stumbled across P, 29, another lawyer (for crying out loud) who may be an even bigger soulmate than Original Lawyerboy, despite his penchant for the JFK Air Train (swoon!). I knew right off the bat we'll be in virtual love when his "most important thing he's looking for" is someone who "knows the girl's part to the song I Would Do Anything for Love, by Meatloaf." Honeybun, I've had that down pat since 11th grade. I smell a karaoke-themed date in our future... Reason number two for my immediate internet crush: P is thankful that the Jersey Shore crew is headed for Miami. Heart. Reason number three is a no brainer, he's Canadian. Admitedly a downside on the surface, but dig deeper and you realize Canadians are awesome at beer and hockey (plus and plus), and decidedly not awesome at American Football, so he won't interfere with my Sunday addiction.

I stifled the urge to immediately Fast Track since I have no idea how seasoned of a internet lova he is.

Meanwhile, I'm internet whorishly doling out my Cosmoquiz questions to anyone with a pulse in a new form of summer dating strategy of Ma$$ Quantity.

'til 5 o'clock xo,
$L#1

$ingle Lady #1 - Reconvinced?

2010-05-20T11:02:00.000-07:00

Get excited lonely readerz, eHarmony has made me an offer I can't refuse.

Mz F sent my mom who sent me a special code for a discounted membership for $ingle moms... Given that I'm already wanted by the Feds for failing to sign my taxes, I didn't want to push my luck lying to eHarmz about babies and such, but today I received one of my very own. Rejoin for the low low price of $14.95/mo for 3 months. Whoa there WalMart, there are some new rollbacks in town.

I'm pretty sure that's a go. It's the summer, and I need a fun summer fling. Or 12. eHarmz has steadily been sending me matches despite my membership cancellation and the poor blokes have been poking and prodding trying to get me to respond (sorry fellas, I've been burned by the "no photo until you pay us" rule before...).

Cheers to spending the weekend weeding through 138 new matches...about 30 of which have sent me a communication.

xo
$L#1

$ingle Lady #1: Back on the Market

2010-05-10T10:09:00.001-07:00

Following in $L#6's footsteps, IMF and I decided to separate last week. Details of the breakup are locked in $ealed record$, but we're releasing a joint statement through our reps that the split was amicable, but that we will not remain friends. Circumstances are external...involving a cross-country move, which is too bad since I really do think we liked each other.

Back in the game, loyal readers, just in time for the fun and flirty $ummer months! Unfortunately, eHarmz subscription ran out during my dating pha$e, so I'll have to turn to more traditional forms of lurking for men.

With my quarter-century looming in about a month, bring on savethedating?

xo,
$L#1

$ingle Lady $nooze

2010-05-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

I took a page from the $ingle lady #2 and employed the fun and sassy question of "tell me about a word or phrase that you have made up and tell me the meaning of it."

Kyle had some potential and I have been engaging in the slow process of moving through the stages of communication, as I am trying to make the most of the last few weeks of this mostly disappointing membership. Also trying to up my ROI. Tonight I checked in on my account was excited to read the responses to my, what I thought, very important questions.

However, I was NOT impressed, bored, and frankly angry with Kyle's responses. It seemed like he was irritated that I was even inquiring. I mean answering endless rounds of questions can get annoying on eHarmz, don't get me wrong. But you are PAYING MONEY for this membership. Put some effort into it or else you won't get anything out of it.

I may be reading into things too much, but see below at Kyle's $nooze-worthy answers to my questions:

Tell me about a phrase/saying/word that you have made up and tell me the meaning of it. I really do not have any phrase or saying that I have made up. I don't think that I even have a phrase I am overly fond of using. Sorry about this one, but I just do not have an answer.

Looking back on your life, of what are you most proud? Probably getting my master's degree. I did not understand when I started it how much work I would put into it.

Why did you join eHarmony? Basically, to meet more people than I was in my daily life.

He is a ROBOT. I think I will wait the obligatory 2 days to close this one. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

xox,
$L4

$ingle Lady #6: Checking in

2010-05-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

I have a date on Monday with C, 25, paralegal. So far he's been incredibly inquisitive and nice, and I look forward to meeting him. I feel like such a pro, I'm barely even nervous anymore. I gots nothin' to lose! I am still waiting for S, 25, engineer to finally ask me out, but we've so far just been exchanging novel-like e-mails with lots of personal get-to-know you info. It's time for him to ask me out before my gmail server maxes out.

Here's hoping I follow through on my promise to kick my date's butt at $kee ball,
$L6

$ingle Lady #4 and the Art of the Text Message

2010-05-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

I've come to the realization recently how much effort goes into a text message. You only get 160 characters to express what you are or are not trying to say. You want to make the message concise, not too lengthy, keeping the TMI to a minimum, but also keeping mysterious just enough to ensure a reciprocal text.

Case in point, my friend C (who reads this blog, hi!) whom I made a love connection for some time ago now. Well her and her male friend have continued to stay in touch, however they engage in the ever-so-fun Friday/Saturday night text message routine of "are you going out tonight?" Which everyone knows is code for "what bar are you going to be at so I can conveniently be there when the bar closes in the hopes we may go home together."

Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to have a consistent male companion in my life right now. However, I have learned first hand that this text game is EXHAUSTING. Since the said male companion, we will call him Bill, was a friend of mine from college, she will consult with me on the protocol on the Friday/Saturday night text. Should I send him a text? Should I go out to the bar he is at? What should I say next?

Here is the guide to texting (to lead to potential sexting) according to $L#4:

Rule 1 - As girls, we cannot seem TOO eager to jump in the next cab you hail from the street and show up at the bar he is at. As such, appear aloof in your text message and undecided about plans. That way this keeps him guessing as to if you are going to show up and secure the cab ride/walk home bar close routine.

Rule 2 - We are allowed to initiate the weekend text first, however if the girl consistently initiates the text, then there is something else going on. The male then becomes dependent and just assumes that he can get in your pants whenever he decides to send that SMS your way. Take turns on the initiating and if he continues to initiate after you do, then you've really got yourself a potential male friend in the works.

Rule 3 - Drunk texting happens. Let's just be serious with this one.

Rule 4 - Be spontaneous and invite him to the bar YOU are going to. If he shows up with friends, he gets some points. If he shows up alone, MAJOR points. Unless he has ulterior motives and is on a one-man mission for a booty call. and finally....

Rule 5 - DON'T OVERTHINK. No matter how many times your friends proofread your text for the right 'connotations,' chances are the guy will not read into it too much. He will probably just read it and be like "yes! she is coming to the bar to meet up" or he will read your aloof text and become even more intrigued to know where you are hanging out that night.

$ingle lady #2: repeat offender?

2010-04-29T10:58:00.000-07:00

One of my recent matches Bruce says "I am passionate about doing everything I can to help my girlfriend (if I have one of course) or make her feel loved and special" (Before you think he's way too lame, he did list some actual goals before this statement).

I'm sure this was just thrown in there to show that he's a super-attentive boyfriend, etc. etc. But this type of attitude perplexes me. It does not make me feel special, or that he would treat me like I am special. It makes me feel like he treats every girl the same, no matter who she is. It's a nice senitment but I still like to think that you make someone feel loved because you love that individual person, so your actions come naturally. Saying that, once you fill in the girlfriend blank with your new eH match, you will do everything you can to make her feel loved, is weird to me. Don't you have to decide if you love her first??

But, thinking about my own actions, I realize that I too, use all the same moves with every guy I like (maybe even my own D.E.N.N.I.S system?). First they will see I like golf! And guns! And trucks! Then, look, I like to cook and be girly and wear makeup and heels too! And I am a Republican who will do your dishes! And so it goes as I create my 'perfect woman' image. But, clearly, my moves aren't working. They might for a while, but not in terms of any long-term effect. So am I supposed to change up my system? Or would that mean changing who I am? That's scary because frankly, I don't have any other moves. I don't like kids or saving the whales or bunnies or Priuses.

So, you go Bruce. Work your B.R.U.C.E. system. Shower your new girlfriend with love and affection and make her feel special. Even if it's the same love with which you showered your last three girlfriends.

Well, that was weird

2010-04-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

So, even though my (now ex) IMF and I had a date tomorrow night, he texted me at 9 tonight with the ever-ominous "hey, can you give me a call when you get a chance?" At the encouragement of roomie, I called immediately to get it over with. I felt like something was off all week, but he confirmed my suspicions with the craziest and most-awkward phone convo ever, in which he said he "tried to give me a chance," cuz I'm a "great girl," but he "just wasn't feeling it." So I did the mature, big-girl thing of saying "That's OK, thanks for being honest, bye!" And quickly hung up the phone.

That was weird. But I've learned a lot! (1) Not everyone you date turns into a relationship. (2) When your gut tells you something's off, you're probably right. (3) It's important to keep an open mind and date different kinds of people that may not be "your type" at a first glance. (4) You can't take it personally, even though it feels very personal. Everyone's in this to meet someone, and not every match is The Match. Eharmony commercials are not real life. And online dating is decidedly NOT like prom dress shopping, after all.

But here's the good thing about eharm: I had some real-world, fun dates, and now there are six other people who are communicating with me, and 25 matches in my folder, and five more delivered each day. I've got about a month left, and I intend to make the most of it. As roomie CK says, "now you can do whatever you want this weekend!" and as $L2 says, "Boys are retarded." I agree.

Here's to David, physician, 29,
$L6

$ingle Lady #4 - Final Countdown

2010-04-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

One month left and I think I have officially exhausted the Boston dating pool. So like the other $ingle ladiez I will now blog about my opinions on dating and boys.

First though, a recap of the most recent eharmz escapades. Inspired by the other $Ls, I did a full out inventory of my matches and (attempted) to strike up communication with the ones I deemed to be acceptable in order to make the most of the remainder of this experience. Either these matches do not check their account or they have died. I think I maybe have heard back from 3 of them? I got nudged by one today, which COMPLETELY irritated me. Just because I am not religiously checking my account like you are does not mean you need to click that giant orange button to nudge me. I have decided I may make him hang on one more day before he gets closed.

Here are some recent true love matches:

Occupation:specail skills (spelling please.)

The three things which matthew is most thankful for:
- caring
- kindness
- how much time i spend with her (HUH?)

The three things which devin is most thankful for: (note how many he actually lists)
- i guess xbox 360 and medical cannabis
- thats tough i look for some much its hard to say witch one is most importent

The things devin can't live without are: this rediculous world we live in (lord please help me.)

The last book devin read and enjoyed: buddhism for dummys the dahli lamma is always so happy most be some thing to it (i dont even know what to say.)

$L6 obviously plans a fatty date

2010-04-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

So last night it was my turn to plan a date with my IMF: at my suggestions we went to get burgers at Big Buns and then blizzards at DQ (which, btw, is having an anniversary celebration: buy one blizzard, get the second for a quarter [thanks for the heads up, $L5!]).

We're getting more comfortable with each other, and it's really easy breezy---the way it should be in the beginning, I think. He makes me laugh and teases me in just the right ways to bug me but be adorable, and the way his smile lights up his face is starting to light up mine. (EWWWW gross!) At the end of the date he affirmed that my idea was great and he had tons of fun. Score one for meat patties and butterfinger blizzards! They shall never fail me.

In other news, I had a dream (nightmare) last night that I was meeting up in Paris for a date with edamame boy. I thought I was supposed to be meeting my IMF but then the other guy showed up and I cried. Wah.

That's all I got! Isn't my dating life so boring?

Keepin' it real,
$L6

$L#1 agrees with $L#2, and has found her a $olution

2010-04-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

Samesies for me. Now you'll just get my random pontifications on life in general. However, before I totally step off dating see the below.

http://www.savethedating.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1&Itemid=2

Save the Date(ing), a successful California- and New York-based social-networking group for singles aged 25-40, is coming to Washington, DC. Become a member, and you'll gain instant access to fun monthly singles events like Pizza Making 101 and squash lessons. An equal ratio of guys to girls is maintained. Membership starts at $250 for three months. There are plans to expand the program to other cities like Boston, Philly, Miami, and Chicago.
- thank you, $tar Magazine

What a fantastic, very $L#2-sounding idea! Prepster-inspired events like cigar-rolling, sailing 101, and "putting the sexy back in ceramics" make this sound like a totally ideal mate-seeking situation.

Keeping back pocket for when that tax refund check comes in...

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #2 and eWhatever

2010-04-20T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hello friends. What's new? It looks like some of the $L's have either died or found boyfriends. But I don't want our blog to die! But I also don't want to talk to anyone on eHarmony anymore. What to do, what to do.

I've still been checking up on my matches to make sure I'm not missing out on any SP's, but I haven't seen any. Pretty much an overall yawn. And I'm pretty sure it's because my heart's just not in it. I'd rather go shopping after work than keep attending drunken blind dates, or dance to Justin Bieber with my $L or non-$L friends on the weekends. Maybe it's the weather? On a chilly winter afternoon you want someone with whom you can snuggle on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa. On a breezy spring afternoon, I'd rather play kickball on the National Mall with 25 guys. Whee!

So, do you mind if I just keep blogging about my opinions on girls and boys? If you said yes, too bad because I can't hear you and I'm going to do it anyway. My thoughts lately have been about these ke$ha lyrics: "you must be blind if you can't see you'll miss me till the day you die" (Right? Did you know ke$ha was so deep? I recommend buying the album immediately). We girls say/think crap like this. We console our friends post-breakup by saying "He doesn't know how to accept love! He'll die alone!" "He'll realize that he made a big mistake!"

But the fact is, this probably isn't true. I mean, we liked this boy at some point, for some reason. And it's pretty silly to think that another girl won't come along and like him for the same reasons. And she'll probably have boobs so he'll probably like her back. Every day I look around on the metro, or on TV or in songs and people are loving each other and wearing wedding rings and producing more miniature people. So I suppose when you want to start loving and getting married and producing miniature people, it can't be too hard to find some sucker to come along for the ride.

Yay romance!

$L#2

$L6 cooks chicken and compares men to prom dresses

2010-04-15T08:19:00.001-07:00

At the encouragement of my friends to strive for a healthy ROI from my eharmony experience, I decided to meet one of the other early eharmony contenders for drinks this week. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking that eharmony is like prom dress shopping ---- even when you find one you really like, you should continue trying on other dresses just to be sure. You'll likely buy the first one you tried on, but still.

I met the new guy at a bar in a mall, and immediately noticed some height fudging on his end---I'm short, was in flats, and we were about the same height. Also, he stuck his hand out, and I went in for the awkward hug, and it started things off feeling kind of weird.

We each ordered two drinks, and I quickly learned he doesn't like sports or watch too much TV. Um, he doesn't like sports. [Incidentally, I asked my other IMF last night what he thought of boys who don't like sportst. His response: "Gay."] I also learned that he likes Bud Light Wheat and enjoys ordering edamame in bars (which he did at 10:30 p.m.). All in all, I won't give away too many dirty details in order to protect the innocent, but it was just bland. I thought the date was over, but returned from the bathroom to see he was dining on beans, and then we lasted another hour or so before I politely declined his offer for a ride home and walked back from the mall. I got no follow up yesterday so I can imagine he felt the same way I did.

On paper, this should have worked, because he has a lot of qualities I usually look for. In reality it was as bland as unsalted pretzels and as fulfilling as a single cube of fat-free cheese. Halfway through, I texted my other IMF, so I think that's all the signs I need.

Meanwhile, last night was my 5th date with IMF, and I fittingly made my 5th date chicken. He raved, enjoyed, cleaned his plate, thanked me 50 times, and ate with exceptional table manners (swoon!). He also fawned over my cheesecake appropriately and brought me beer. Clearly, this is working.

Never order edamame at a bar,
$ "So I'm sitting at the $ingles table at this wedding on $aturday but I'm maybe not so $ingle?" L6

$ingle Lady #1: Clarifying Point...

2010-04-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

Clarifying point due to questions....Lawyerboy is not "off the table" as in "out of my life." He's just off limits to blog about.

xo,
$L#1

$ingle Lady #1: I'm back!!!

2010-04-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Don't worry loyal readers, I won't leave you out in the cold just yet.

With IMF solidly off the table, my blogging experience has to be limited to the other $ketchy things that happen in my life. Let's begin with $peed Dating!

So long ago and far away, on the eve of April Fools, I journey to a land called Murray Hill with some $keptical co-workers and friends to try our hand at $peed Dating. Much like internet dating, it's a phenomenon nation-wide that is largely misunderstood, and I wish I could say, mis-hated-on. Unfortunately, every stereotype you can imagine for $peed daters is totally true. It was really a bunch of misfits who had to awkwardly sit opposite each other and talk about the same thing every 4 minutes for 2 hours. True to form, there were wayyy more women than men (which prompted them to offer me a free future session to compensate...score!), the men were wayyy older and woofer than men in the Real World, and the air reeked of desperation. Sure, we were there too...label us as you will, but of the 10ish men I "dated" that night, zero came in as a "yes."

The format is simple. Women sit in one place all night. This is key for the waitress to be able to find you to constantly refill your bevvie. Men switch every 4 minutes. We were an intimidating bunch, 5 of us in a row, and the men braved it nicely. In the span of those 4 minutes my first "date" mentioned the words "murder," "pedophile," and "drug dealer." Friend J (his next...victim?) immediately circled "N" (no interest) before he even got a chance to open his mouth to her. Date #3 high-fived me 4 times in 4 minutes. Excellent ratio, and almost scored him a "Y" (as in...yes, I'd like to pursue you further). Date #7 and I had the makings of a nasty fight about the Dove Self-Esteem Fund until the whistle blew and saved us (he was a Victoria's Secret graphic designer...I obviously felt the need to defend Real women everywhere). N, N, N, N, N, N, you get the picture. Particularly flattering was a foreign gentleman who spoke no English and required just a polite head-nod to encourage him to continue talking in gibberish for the entire 4 minutes. The only line I caught was as he sat down, he looked me up and down and mumbled "Yes, definitely Yes." Eww.

What a drag, but fortunately the pre-$peed dating shots kicked in early and we stayed to hang out as a group for a bit. Still no date potential but it was better than the awkward between-whistle made up conversation we'd been having. After several more drinks at our own private "after party" across the street, I convinced IMF to meet me for a late night drink at a different bar where I immediately confessed where I'd been in an effort to make him a little jealous.

Curiosity killed my cat and I actually checked out my profile the next day. I'm flattered to report that 5 dudes "Yes-ed" me to the next round (including the creepy foreign man! And my high-fiver!!). Also confirmed what I already knew...that they were all older than the "max age limit" which thereby totally justified that we had to lie and age ourselves up to be able to go.

Overall $peed Dating as a potential matchmaking opportunity? Not a chance. You're better off sidling up to that $exy $tranger on the Metro...

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #4 follows up

2010-04-09T13:01:00.001-07:00

As $ingle lady #2 so cleverly pointed out, eHarmz is also now manipulating my quiz results in order to make me end up with the Boston Leo. FML.

$ingle lady #4 - Who is your celeb match?

2010-04-09T10:33:00.000-07:00

eHarmz is starting to feel bad for me and is sending me various quizzes to take so I can better align my interests with potential matches. I received one the other day titled, "Who is your Celeb Match?" While this sounded like one of those lame email chain quizzes I used to take in 7th grade, I was atleast curious to see what the result turned out.

Similar to 7th grade and the days of Titanic, I should be still pining after:

Leonardo DiCaprio

You and Leo are both romantic, loyal, socially conscious and very cool!

So recap: update my profile to say that I am loyal, socially conscious, and very cool. And say that I am only interested in romantic, loyal, socially conscious and very cool men.

$ingle lady #2: places I want to meet men other than the internet...

2010-04-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

...but don't know how:

#1. Running on Rock Creek Parkway - as soon as the weather hits 60 degrees, RCP is filled with runners and bikers and I finally feel like maybe I'm not in danger of getting raped by a creep hiding in the woods. And you know what? A lot of these runners/bikers are slampieces. Running without shirts, running with rippling abs and chiseled quads that make me melt. But, how would I ever speak to one? "Hey! (pant) You're cute! (pant)" Oh and he's already long gone, running away at 10mph while I chug along at 6. "'Kay see ya 'roundddd!" Fail.

#2. Metro - there are many cute boys on the metro but I'm severely opposed to metro chatting unless you are my friend and we would chat in real life.

#3. Grocery store - especially when I used to live in Arlington, it was like a SPF (slampiece festival) at the local Harris Teets. The problem there is that 80% of the time the SP that catches your eye is with his live-in girlfriend.

I suppose if I really want to meet someone in public I'll have to start being friendly, smiling and initiating conversations with strangers. This is definitely not going to happen because I hate all of those things and am from NJ and prefer to walk with the bitchiest look possible on my face. While I may not attract potential matches, at least tourists are not tempted to ask me "where the zoo's at?"

maybe the eH customer care rep wants to take out $ingle lady #2

2010-04-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

I called eH ready to crack some $kullz over my $96 charge when I'd rather be a quitter. But then the dude was all nice and didn't really give me a chance to be mean and gave me two options one of which gave me back $57 and I still get one more month of membership. So fine, y'all are stuck with me for another month.

The nice man on the phone asked why I wanted to stop - perhaps I needed to ajdust my settings to get some more communication? And I was like, no, I'm just writing a blog and need to spend my money on these awesome Frye wedges I just found online instead and I hate love and have no interest in pretending to look for it any longer. Okay, I didn't say that. I just said "it's not a problem with communication (read: I'm soooo cool and everyone wants to talk to me), for personal reasons I no longer wish to continue" and he said "I understand."

But then at the end he says "I'd like to compliment you on your profile; for your remaining months maybe if you answered more of the About me questions you'd get more communication." So now I know he's clearly reading about my cheese obsession and thinking um you're a freak good thing you're cancelling.

So, onward I blog for 30 more days. Also, I logged in today, and Brooks Brothers tie has closed me! To everyone who was concerned for the tie - other than his initial statement about wanting it back he really hasn't made much of an attempt. So I plan to wear it as a cool belt or regift it to my dad for Father's Day.

-$L#2

$ingle Lady #4: Bad Romance = Bad Economics

2010-04-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have little over a month left on my eHarmz subscription and I don't even want to calculate out the economics of the whole deal. I feel that my experience out of all the $ingle ladiez is perhaps the most disappointing? For the record, I have gone on one date and it was just ehh. Nothing like the other $Ls where they meet someone actually compatible with them and ACTUALLY like them. Granted there were at least 4 drinks consumed on my date, but still I am no where close to earning back my ROI on this deal. I even forgot the other day that I was signed up, until I received yet another too-young-for-me match who is still in college eagerly showering me with icebreakers. No thanks. I did receive another match today who is in my acceptable age range and also lives in Boston, eliminating geographical challenges. But his picture is sneaky, it includes another male in the photo and there are no additional photos, so I cannot tell which one he is. But I am guessing he is the more unattractive of the 2. Figures.

I think I have finally shaken my friend Leo. Not that I was intentionally trying to get rid of him, I just wasn't really interested in going on another date once he started displaying tendencies of desperate girl syndrome, which isn't exactly a turn on. I think he finally got the hint 2 weeks ago, I was on gchat during the day at work but couldn't really chat since I was out at a client. He sent me a message, then another message, then another message. It was as if he was having his own conversation with himself. I found this sort of amusing so I just let him continue talking to himself without responding back. The NEXT day, same thing starts. Sends a message, then another message. Then I got the kicker:

leo: are u there?
leo: annnd i'm getting ignored...
leo: if you don't want to talk to me just tell me you don't have to ignore me

Now let's break this down. We went on ONE date. It was just ok. This is sort of an aggressive statement to be throwing out there considering these facts. Not to mention its more guilt tripping! Clearly it didn't work in the first place, so I don't think its going to work period. After these messages I finally responded, just to get him off my back. I intentionally tried to make him feel embarrassed since he was clearly overreacting. And I haven't received a message since, sooo I think we are good.

My friend C provided me with this very pertinent link yesterday, which further exemplifies the red flags associated with Leo:

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-the-top-10-online-dating-mistakes-guys-make/

Here are some more gems from my inventory of matches, just so you know what I am dealing with in the Boston dating pool:

Some additional information Mike wanted you to know is: Sex would be a plusssssssss+++++++++

The last book Bryan read and enjoyed: The Secrets of Female Sexuality, the title is self-explanatory, Its a mandatory read for guys in my opinion. very interesting

Some additional information Bryan wanted you to know is: My first choice is a dark eyed and dark haired lady.

The one thing Bryan wishes MORE people would notice about him is: That Im not a player

Occupation:Seminarian

$ingle Lady #1: ROI Analysis

2010-04-06T11:10:00.002-07:00

Fortunately, that giant post-it reminded me to cancel yesterday so no additional charges for me. It was shockingly easy (sorry $L#2). Now if only I'd pay attention to the new angry post-it saying "Priority" on the folder that holds my taxes and lease renewal. Naughty, naughty.

Anne is right - I think I "win" this one from an ROI perspective. I'm bad with what things cost, so I'll just break out a list:

8 dates down:

(+) 15-20 drinks (sorry Mom, but I promise, it's spread out!)
(+) 2 dinners
(+) Wine brought to Easter brunch
(-) Cabs from all these drunken dates
(+) On Demand of Did you Hear About the Morgans? (maybe two +s because it was DYHAtM? Though, quick plug, because I thought it was great!)

Definitely squarely in the positive ROI. However, I'd actually say eHarmz was an overall fail. Yes, I met a great guy and we seem very compatible so far (he likes the AirTrain at JFK airport too!!! Plus 10!), but I only met one. I Closed 227, was Communicating (slowly and uninterestedly) with 43, and had not explored 79 new matches. That's a .29% chance of meeting someone in 3 months, for $120. Seems I have a better chance of dating a homeless guy than of actually "finding love" through the Web!

Unfortunately, I have to stop writing about my dates with IMF. He's still in the dark about this whole operation and it's not fair to him. I've officially upgraded him to just MF, and wouldn't run gagging if he ever introduced me as his [girlfriend] (as I breathe into a paper bag...). It's likely that I'll finally get the balls to tell him (probably drunk) one day, and we'll get in a giant fight because it will turn out that he also had some sort of bet with his friends about me, and I'll take a job in San Francisco and he'll come chasing me across a bridge on a motorcycle carrying a dead Love Fern and Follow You Down by the Gin Blossoms will play in the background - wait, that's someone else's story...

Don't worry, there's still plenty of weird stuff that happens to me that doesn't involve him!

'til then,
$L#1

$L6 has 4 dates in 9 days

2010-04-06T11:10:00.001-07:00

....with the same boy. Maybe eHarm got one right? My IMF and I are going to see the Phillies beat the Nationals tomorrow night here in DC, last night we watched the tourney together, last week was lots of drinking and food. He makes me laugh, has a fantastic smile, and likes to talk more than I do. Meanwhile, I've got 45 new and unviewed matches, haven't signed on in days, and I'm (gasp) even considering turning matching off.

Good dates make bad stories,

$L6

$ingle lady #2 - eH IS SO SNEAKY and I am PISSED

2010-04-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

So my eH membership was "paid through April 6." I went in to cancel today. They had already auto-renewed me and charged my credit card for 96 more dollars. That is too many dollars. NO NO NO NO I did not feel like spending my day on the phone with these bastards. I should have cancelled yesterday but I was too busy buying new sunglasses in NJ. Woooo tax-free clothes shopping.

ASSUMING I'm able to remove this charge, I would like to present you with the full economic analysis of my 3-month eH membership, which cost $120:

2 beers on Ben: $8
2 drinks on Pete: $10
0 drinks on sssshiv: $0
3 champagne cocktails and appetizers on CC: ~$50
1 indian dinner on CC: ~$35
~5 strong beers and 1 cheese platter on CCC: ~$40
1 Brooks Brothers tie: apparently $75

TOTAL: $218 (...$143 pre-tie)

So I guess it was worth it?

-$L#2

$ingle lady #2 continued

2010-03-31T20:58:00.000-07:00

So, I've been receiving some comments and I will agree that, yes, I should not have offered if I was going to be so weird and hate this boy forever for accepting to stay on my couch rather than man up and take the probably $35 cab ride home.

BUT, I have told this story to three different males on three distinct occasions, and they all told me the same thing: he knew what he was doing. I know, I know, we women don't want to believe when men tell us what other men are thinking. I don't either. But don't shoot the messenger. Here's one convo that luckily took place via gchat so I can show all of you (thanks to coworker CH who has become a loyal AT$L follower):

CH: Yeah, that guy had the game going full on
CH: As in, every step planned
me: you think?
CH: Oh yeah
me: what a creepshow
CH: Including the kiss
It was a test
vanilla = going home to sleep; anything more = going home WITH her
And I'll put $$ the "first eH date" is a crock
me: well I dont think he thought it was vanilla
CH: ha
CH: Well, there you go. Either way, it was a setup
Like in boxing...throwing the jab with your left so you can get them to move into a right hook

CH: You don't 1) live that far out and lose track of the metro, and 2) "forget" your favorite tie
me: well im glad im not crazy
CH: When you take off your tie, you put it with/in your coat...second nature
usually coat over a chair, tie over the coat
It's the order you take them off and just what almost always happens
me: right
CH: No, he's playing you. You've got this one right

$L6: Marathon date

2010-03-31T08:26:00.000-07:00

I had a lot of fun last night. Good conversation, good person, good connection, good repartee, great time. Even though I pulled some typically awkward $L6 moments, like...almost getting hit by a car, he seemed to have fun too, and I had an email waiting for me at 9 a.m. this morning.

Good job, eH. Good job.

Feeling $unny,
$L6

Also a hilarious video.

$ingle Lady #1: Role Rever$al

2010-03-31T05:27:00.000-07:00

Usually, I'm the $hady one. Weird stuff happens to me, not just in dating, but in life in general. I always survive, and it's usually funny, so it's NBD (if you're 14 you know what that means, for the rest of us...no big deal). But while $L#2 appears to have gone off the deep end (seriously?!?! you brought a stranger home?! I'm not even a Mom reading this and I was horrified...), I'm shifting quickly into the world of being a Grown Up. Lawyerboy has officially transitioned into being my Internet Man Friend (my "imf" - there, if that's not changing names to protect the innocent, I don't know what is) by the following criteria:

I invited him to Easter brunch at my friend's apt, which will be all couples (eek!)
In reciprocation, he invited me to his rooftop Friday night to grill/hang out with his friends
I got called out by a coworker for going $peed Dating tonight since I "have a boyfriend"

Bah. Fortunately, my Mom knows me better:

Mom: i'm assuming you don't want him to come to dinner with [uncle] and me
Me: no absolutely not
Me: you wouldnt even know about him if i didnt write a blog

In an unrelated note, I finally completed the post-it I've had on my desk since Jan 5, telling me to "cancel eH" since there's some sort of automatic renewal clause. I found out it's harder to cancel than a credit card...particularly if you check "Single and still looking" as your current $tatus. "But wait!" they implore, "You haven't yet found true love!" They throw quote after quote at you from far reaching members of eHarmz who took over a year, but are sure glad they stuck around to find their soulmate. They convinced me to wait until April 5 when my membership really runs out just in case these next 7 days turn my $ingle $tatus upside down. Now an even bigger, and more imploring post-it decorates my desk "Apr 5, CANCEL eH." Double. Underlined.

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #2's shady ass dating story

2010-03-30T10:08:00.001-07:00

"The point of blogs is to make other people feel more normal. Every girl has a shady ass dating story." -$L#2's BFF

With that advice, I begin the tale of last night's date.

I walk into our meeting place at approximately 8:07pm. The hostess/bartender seems to know that I am meeting someone and is like "I think this is his beer. I'll show you where he is." So perhaps he prepped her for my arrival. He is sitting at a table and looks different than his pictures, and has a slight beard situation (no problem here, I enjoy beards). Maybe a 7 on the SPS (I've been told by a coworker that "slampiece" is only supposed to refer to sex, according to Urban Dictionary, but let's be clear that I'm only using it to describe level of attractiveness).

So recently I've started to like and appreciate delicious beers. This bar had them. But the problem with these new delicious beers is they are like 8, 9, 10% alcohol, not your average Bud Light. And maybe I should start eating dinner pre-dates, because bits of a cheese platter does not always equal a meal. We chat, laugh, he wants to know about my other eH dates since this is his first. I give him the 411. I am having fun. Then I notice that it is midnight. He notices that it is midnight. The metro in DC stops running at midnight. This isn't a big problem for me because I'm only about 2 miles from home. BUT he lives far, far, far, far away (McLean, woof). He parks his car at a metro stop far, far, far away (West Falls Church, woof). I'm sort of drunk and I say to be nice that I have a pullout couch, expecting him obviously to decline the offer. But he doesn't.

So we get a cab home, I set him up on the couch and proceed to lock myself in my room after sending RoomieJ a warning text of what is going on. I do not know what is wrong with me and the more I think about this situation the more I dislike it and I'm sorry to the moms reading the blog for being an unsafe idiot who lets strangers into my home. I mean, I know he just moved back here from NYC but you must know that the metro doesn't run 24 hours a day. He says that he will leave early so my roommate will not be startled.

Oh also I forgot that while walking to get a cab he kissed me. It was vanilla.

So this morning I wake up early and have a killer headache and listen, listen, listen for him to leave. He does and then I get up. I get ready for work. I'm about to walk out the door when I see it. His tie (Brooks Brothers). COME ON. What are you some sort of girl starring in "How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days"???

On the metro to work I get an email from him (8:30am):

"Further perpetuating what must seem to you like a massive, sociopathic scam, I forgot my tie. I'll need that back. It's a favorite.

You have to give me some credit though. Last night/this morning could have gone much worse. You could have woken up this morning with me standing in a corner of your bedroom, wearing one of your dresses with your goldfish in hand. +25 restraint points for me.

Online dating is the best. Have a great day."

It was a hilarious email and I laughed. But, all is not forgiven (the fact that he even thought that up makes me slightly nervous). The tie was a sacrifice and he will never see it or me again.

$ingle lady #2: another day, another date

2010-03-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Now that I have finally made it back to DC, I have a date tonight with CCC (cookie crisp classmate). I am wearing a dress from Banana Republic and some patent leather shoes to wick away the rain. We are going somewhere that looks to have a fabulous beer selection, so I approve of his choice.

I feel like quite a veteran blind-dater these days, as $ingle ladiez 5 and 6 have asked me for advice. The most pressing question? "Do I shake his hand?" I realized that I never really thought about what I do when we meet - I know that CC gave me a big hug, and for some reason it worked. But the others involved no handshake, hug or touching of any kind (my preference, as someone adverse to hugging).

I've also discovered that I'm bad at multi-tasking with these guys. There was another, who I thought I liked and was talking to before CCC came along. But as soon as he did, I couldn't be bothered to answer anyone else. I had two messages this weekend saying "Hope I didn't scare you off :o)" (god that emoticon...) and "Hey how was your race?" from another who I realized I left hanging. I think I'm ready for my membership to end. But I still want to blog!

$L#2

$L#6 has a date tomorrow

2010-03-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yay! Let's just all focus on the title of that post, and thank our stars that my first date is getting in jussssst under the Easter deadline wire. I'll have the full $L recap on Wednesday, but for now I'm thinking about how I wish I had used whitestrips and that I wish I had a new wardrobe and that I wish it weren't supposed to rain tomorrow and that I'm really, REALLY nervous.

Wish me luck!
$L#6

$ingle Lady #1 is a real Single Lady...and Dood meets the Fam

2010-03-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of days, when it's 11 pm and I'm formatting an Excel spreadsheet, that I wonder why I stay at my job. But, then there are also days, like Thursday evening, that I remember why I do (other than the supreme satisfaction that what I do all day makes more people buy Dove soap. No really). You're lookin at [the writing of] a girl who's taking dance lessons from Beyonce's choreographer, learning the actual Single Ladies dance. Seriously. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY

Sadly, I can't do the frog legs part and make it look sexy, although, let's be serious, what about the statement "frog legs part" even SOUNDS sexy. However, my time will come, during the stripper dance booty-out-swoop-up-from-a-crouch part, since that's how I dance anyways (Mom, it's not as bad as it sounds...). We're currently up to the :41s mark. Phew.

Last night was an office going away party for two fallen comrades. Super casual, since it was a Friday night, but pretty high attendance. My night was supposed to begin with that, early, then swing over to another bar to watch the Buffalo Sabres game. As always, I was at work too late and scrambled to get to the first place at all, so I was stuck there. Lawyerboy was supposed to meet me at the Sabres bar to be appraised by two [judgy] friends to do a quick temperature check on my 5th date. Not wanting to go another two week stretch without seeing him, I made a bold decision to invite him to the bar with my coworkers.

For people who work in normal offices, this isn't a big deal. Casual Friday evening drinks at a neighborhood pub, where everyone sits around, probably talking about work, then leaves at a reasonable hour to go home to their families. Or real people lives. For me, this isn't the case.

The last time I brought a guy to meet my coworkers we were on our 5th round of shots by the time he got there. One friend pushed him onto a bar stool and screamed "WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY FRIEND" in his face. Two male coworkers cooked up a scheme to tell him that one of them was my ex-boyfriend, then he spent the whole night lurking a step or two next to me. [Editor's note: that was quick to unravel soon thereafter]. Sometimes it's hard that everyone you work with thinks we're all related. Imagine my apprehension with bringing another poor sucker into the fold.

Strangely, it worked out pretty beautifully. Most people had left by the time he arrived, so it was a smaller core group. One girl did waltz up to meet him, I turned away briefly and returned to her telling him she was going to slap him, him not backing down, followed by her declaration of love for him before she gave him a huge hug. Still don't know what that was about...

Overall, we survived the night. I'm sure I'll get a full debriefing on Monday, but did get a text this morning "Honestly, I didn't want to like him [shocker] but he seems like a good guy. You have my permission to continue," out of one of my tougher big brothers.

He has a total of three families to impress. One down last night with my coworkers (well, "down" I guess we'll see on Monday!). One doesn't happen until football season starts. Then my real family. Poor kid is swimmin upstream...

<3,
$L#1

$ingle lady #4 has no pity

2010-03-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

Leo: so one date and thats it huh...

Why do boys take this approach with girls?? Guilt-tripping me into going out with you is no way into this $ingle lady's heart. I just received this gchat from my friend Leo and it has really put a crimp in my Thursday afternoon.

Speaking with a fellow $L, I copied and pasted the above statement to which she replied:

C: honestly, i hate when guys take that approach, like "oh, i feel bad for you now so of course ill go on second date."

It's true though! Yes, I have been not initiating gchats with him, but I didn't reject him for a second date. He had asked me last week if I was interested in going out for dinner, I had legitimate plans each night with friends to do something (which is when he dropped the second question about my eH dating escapades), and I haven't heard from him since! This gchat is DEFINITELY not dignified a response.

PS. I received a match this week named Zeke. Hello character from a Goosebumps novel.

PPS. I also received an awkward bbm this morning from my old friend W (see ranting blog post from several weeks ago). IGNORE.

$tatistic$

2010-03-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Very interesting!!

I especially like: 1 in 3 women have sex when they meet a match in person for the first time?? I'm pretty positive we're 0-fer here at AT$L...

$ingle lady #2's crush of the week, and the small small world that is eH

2010-03-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

My lover of the week is named Chaz.* His fave Christmas move is Home Alone 2, he used to live in NYC, is super-cute and wearing a George-Clooney-in-Ocean's-Eleven-suit-with-no-tie in his picture, is 28 and has started his own company. BONUS!

*I've been told to stop using real names. I wish his name was Chaz.

We flew through our guided communication, and he writes me an email to say he has "a good feeling about this" and throws out several options for dates this weekend, as well as his email address and number. I email back to say that I'm out of town this weekend, but next week would be an option.

As I anxiously wait to hear back, I decide to do some light stalking now that I have his email address and last name. There he is on Facebook - hmm he graduated from a tiny liberal arts college outside of Philadelphia...I've heard of this before...and we have a friend in common! Who could it be?? Can you guess??

Yes, cookie crisp. Is this for real? Shoot I hope they fight over me.

-SL#2

$ingle lady #5's BiG NiGhT

2010-03-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

So I went on my date last night. Overall I'd rate it an 8 based on the fact that I laughed 75% of it, there were no awkward silences, and he was pretty talkative. He obviously did some light google stalking. Within the first 5 minutes he asked where I went for undergrad, I replied "Richmond" and he responded with "THE SPIDERS! They had a big upset back in 1987." Someone did some homework... Any way whatev he was pretty cute... an 8 on the SPS.

Signs the date went well / Pros of Michael
-He paid
-He gave me a hug at the end
-He touched my leg at least at least four times.
-He likes sports.
-He is Catholic.

Signs the date went not so well / Cons of Michael
-There was no follow-up "Lets do this again!!!"
- I have a small bladder and went to the bathroom twice- 20 minutes
apart. I hope he didn't think I was texting my friends.
- Some how my CPA flashcards became topic of conversation and he
started quizzing me.

So IDK, if he calls sweet. If he doesn't I'll move on. $L2 said no texting "Thanks for last night!" So i'll give myself all day today to act like a 15 year old and then I'm moving on.

-$L5

$ingle Lady #4 is matchless

2010-03-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

I think it would be an understatement that I am disappointed with eHarmz right now. I've expressed my complaints before here and there but I'm very much starting to regret this membership. It has been a full week since I have received a new match. The last being a 31 year old named Albert (Brenaman?). I was hoping for some new matches at least this past week since it was yet another free communication weekend. But alas, no slampieces have been delivered to me.

I have decided to actively start ignoring Leo. I was slightly optimistic after our date to give him a second chance to redeem himself from his tool-ish comments, hoping that it was just first date jitters. Alas my theories about gchat style have come to life with this one. It started last week when he asked me this:

leo: so have any other "eharmz" dates this week? (I made the mistake of dropping our nickname for the site).

Now, I share my dating activities with friends. I do NOT share with someone who I might potentially go out with? He asked me this again a few days later when he asked me out for dinner. This is when I started to get weirded out. He has made attempts to gchat but I've been sort of non responsive. This just solidified $L 2's discount clothing theory. Honestly, I'm sure he is a nice guy. But he was definitely that cute dress on the hanger. He just came on a little too strong for my liking and now I am turned off.

My other strategy of ignoring the boring matches and straight-to-email aggressive matches has somewhat worked and I've been closed by them! Further cutting down the list.

However as my current dating life is the dumps, I am thinking about going into business with Patti Stanger and becoming a matchmaker, as I made a potential love connection between 2 friends this weekend! As my ploy to hit on the cute guy with the SBH (southern boy haircut) backfired (he turned out to be underage?), my friends were enjoying themselves on the d-floor. Frankly I've always been better at matching other people than myself.

Praying for new matches,
$L #4

$ingle lady #2: Hi, my name is $ingle lady #2...sincerely, $ingle lady #2

2010-03-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

I've had an onslaught of straight-to-email requests in the past few days. eHarmony discourages, and I'm starting to think they may have a point. I kind of like taking the normal path, reading their cosmo quizzes, must haves, and seeing what kind of open-ended questions/answers they can craft.

The email invitation strategies, have been varied, though:

-"Hi how are you!" ...umm what kind of response were you expecting? "Good, how are you?" This could on for approximately 12 weeks before I uncover his favorite color.

-"Um, hi, I just wanted to say that you're pretty haha and just wanted to say hi and just wanted to say that I'd like to get to know you haha." ...If you just wanted to say it, JUST SAY IT! Grow a pair.

-"Hi my name is John and I think we'd get along. My # is XX and my email is XX. Thanks, John" ...a) I know your name is John it's all over your profile and b) eeeeeassy there cowboy.

-"What are the top ten things I should know about you?" ....Ten? Let's not be greedy. Although, here is what I'd like to say:

1. I've bitten my nails since I was 2. I may have found the cure thanks to OPI Axxium Gel Polish.
2. I love skinny people and would love to be one. Like, really skinny.
3. Unfortunately, I love cheeb's too much to achieve #2.
4. I am writing a blog about you.
5. I am addicted to shopping, which I got from my mom, which she got from my grandmother.
6. I don't want a boy who is sensitive. Don't cry.
7. The way to my heart is through Nike Air Cole Haan shoes.
8. While I love my job, I'm pretty sure I'd love to have a collection of aprons and spend my day like June Cleaver.
9. When I read the questions that screen for alcoholism on questionnaires I administer at work, I get concerned about my behavior.
10. No, really, I'm writing a blog about you right now.

What do you think - send?

$ingle lady #5 brought a nip of tequila in preparation for her date tonight

2010-03-23T07:22:00.000-07:00

After going back and forth with Mike the school teacher, we're finally going on a date tonight. I'm already sweating. He gave me his gchat email since "he doesn't really check eH that often." This is actually code for, "your return time on my eH averages 5-7 days so let's cut to the chase and go straight to gchat." His gchat email is cwru625@.... WTF? Who doesn't use their actual name? This reminds me of college screen names like Surfstud919. He probably made this name up for signing up for free porn and eH. I gave him mine, realizing he has full access to facebook/google stalking.

So I received an email last night at 8p. "Tuesday night. Pepper Cannister. 7p. Talk soon." So it is official. I BBM'd my bffs, requesting outfit advice. All my clothes are at the dry cleaners except for two pairs of tight pants- black and khaki. I wore the black Monday so I was left with the Khaki. The outfit choosing convo went as follows:

BFF: Wear work sexual attire.
Me:I wore my sexy pants today.
BFF: Like wear a cute work outfit.
Me. I know how about tight suit khaki pants, jcrew ruffly tank and cardigan.
BFF: No NO KHAKIS.
BFF: Well do you have anything else tight?
Me: Everything else is at the dry cleaners. What about a black wrap dress?
BFF: YES!
Me: Ok done!

So this morning I'm wearing... my khaki pants, jcrew ruffly tank and cardigan.

Counting down til 7p.

SL5

$L #6's mom rewrites her eHarm profile

2010-03-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

So I showed my Mom my eHarm profile, and she was not happy. In fact, Mama edited the crap out of it. The final product turned out to be way better, though, so I'm sharing her wisdom here.

The one thing Laura is most passionate about:

Old: Grammar and vocabulary, Philadelphia sports teams, summertime at the Jersey Shore, friends and family

Mom says: “You have grammar and vocabulary first?! Geez, that scares even me. Do NOT put that as your passion. Even if you are, some boy that doesn’t know his SAT words is going to be intimidated by you. Get that off there.”

New: Philadelphia sports teams, summertime at the Jersey Shore, cooking/grilling

Height

Old: 5′3”

Mom says: Really? You’re only 5′3”? Change that to 5′4” and go to yoga. We’ll stretch you. Wear heels.

New: 5′4”

The one thing Laura wishes MORE people would notice about her is:

Old: That I’m awesome at board games.

Mom says: Hmm, that makes it seem like you stay inside playing Trivial Pursuit at night. Make it more inclusive. More mysterious.

New: That you definitely want me on your team.

The things Laura can’t live without are:

Old:

breakfast food, especially bacon
gchat
cheese
my DVR
dogs

Mom says: “Too many food items! Get that breakfast food off there. Everyone knows you like bacon, let him find that out on his own. Your DVR? No. Gchat? What the hell is gchat? Let’s be more specific, less fatty, and more interesting.”

New:

Christmas
iTunes
golden retrievers
the beach
cheese

Some additional information Laura wanted you to know is:

Old: If you like the Giants or the Cowboys or the Yankees, we might not get along.

Mom says: “Too exclusive. What if a Giants fan has a nice smile and will buy you flowers?”

New: If you like the Giants or the Cowboys or the Yankees, we might not get along….but we can try.

_______________

So, what did I learn from my Mom? Keep it short and sweet. Some detail is good, too much detail is cumbersome. Be honest, but open-minded. Be yourself. Don’t try too hard. And also, Moms are usually right.

$L#6 - WTF is a Personal Blanket?

2010-03-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

Occupation: Children's Fitness Instructor

Leisure time: Hanging out, playing video games and poker

Things XX can't live without:

Personal Blanket
sports
gambling
ipod
friends

Discuss.

$ingle lady #2: two-date curse

2010-03-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

I'm just not sure if I'll ever make it past two dates with a guy. CC and I seem to have fizzled out, although he did send me a text at 2:30am on Friday. I'm sorry, did I miss the part when we progressed to booty-call-status? Considering he didn't even try to kiss me on the first two dates, I found this a bit forward.

I've been traveling and not in DC, and today finally took some time to catch up with my matches. One, who I thought was promising and cute, AND who said his favorite Christmas movies are Home Alone and Die Hard (major props for counting both of these as xmas flicks), has closed me. The reason? "Because I was put on hold." Now we have discussed the "Final Message" options here at AT$L several times, and none of them are "Wait! I was just busy! Don't be impatient, I'm ready to respond!" There's basically no way I can say that, unless I say "I think we had potential" or some shit like that. So I guess it was not meant to be. Because really, I took so long to answer the questions because they were too hard. I literally spent 20 minutes searching for the response I wrote to someone else when asked "What are the three best traits you have to offer?" so I could copy and paste instead of thinking about it again.

Sorry for being MIA, I have more things to say stored up for later today,
$L#2

$ingle Lady #1 has been delinquent

2010-03-19T05:18:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, I've been super delinquent about the postings. Truth be told, I haven't done much in the way of dating lately. I've been busy with other things and I just don't have time to [gasp] have a personal life. Lawyerboy had to cancel our gaming date last weekend due to illness, but made up for it by cheering for my Spiders in the NCAA tourney yesterday. Maj bonu$ pointz for getting his whole firm into a conf room to watch AND cheer AND text me updates during a marathon meeting. Ohhh to be a fly on the wall when he responded to the, "wait, did you go to Richmond?" question from his co-workers. "Uhh, no, this girl that I met on the world wide web did, and we've been on a few dates and I've cancelled or bailed on her twice so I feel like I should," or worse, "My girlfriend went there." Shudder.

My $i$ter is in town visiting and brought with her a nugget of iDating wisdom from a fellow silent $ingle Lady (shoutout Mrs. F) to not renew after the required 3 months since there aren't enough new joinees and you quickly drop the number of matches (or worse, get matched with the same doods over and over. Eww, I Closed you for a reason). Better to pulse your memberships to allow for brighter and better $ingle Doods to accumulate first. Totally true - I'm now down to like 4 new matches a week as I enter the home stretch 10 days of membership.

Resched with lawyerboy for this Sunday for a quiet and short evening break probably involving March Madness. Hope I still like him after over 2 weeks "off." Given my affinity for food products made up exclusively of sodium and MSG, my non-clingyness, and my sincere love of all things sports, I imagine he's probably currently questioning whether I'm the world's perfect woman, or else secretly a dood.

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #6 - $pring has $prung

2010-03-18T10:03:00.001-07:00

Hello readers,

Well $pring has $prung for this $L, and I am ready and roaring to get out there and go on a date. My Easter deadline is fast-approaching, and while I initially had thought it would be easy-peasy to go on six dates by then, that is not the reality. I firmly believe eHarmony should not be allowed to charge you for your first month of membership. It takes a long, long time to get the ball rolling on these things. It takes at least a week or more to even get to the e-mailing stage, and even longer to where you're comfortable meeting someone in real life. And to top it off, once I've boiled down the 70 or so matches, I ended up with about three I might be interested in. The first month is for whittling down and exploring, not dating, so I think it's unfair to charge me $40 for it.

I'm finally getting some communication going, one with funny Brian, one with nerdy med-student Jay, and another with the aloof and elusive Ben. (Side note: most popular name on eHarmony in DC = Ben. I've gotten about 7 Bens.)

I hope sometime next week to have a more exciting tale to regale you with,
$L6

$ingle lady #2: I am single because...

2010-03-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

I have about 15 questions waiting in my inbox. And they are hard. I don't feel like answering them. One in particular comes to me from a guy named Scott (okay that's a lie, I have no idea which one asked me this):

Why are you $ingle?

Four little words have proven so daunting. Every time I think of crafting a response I am stumped. What is this guy looking for? A history of my relationships and why they failed? For me to reveal that I have outstanding restraining orders issued by boyfriends past? There is no way this is the venue for those kinds of discussions. And in true HJNTIY fashion, who the F cares (pardon my language $L#1's mom...)? I am single because I'm not dating anyone. Why do people obsess over reasons for everything? Sometimes things just are.

And furthermore, isn't this question kind of like when you lose your keys, and someone so matter-of-factly says, "Well where did you have them last?" If I KNEW where I was when I had my keys, they would not be lost. Is it true that if I knew why I was single, I wouldn't be?

Anyway it's late and I just finished watching an episode of LOST and I haven't a clue which way is up. Goodnight. And I'm not answering that question, Steve, or whoever you are.

$L#2

$L #4 - I Gchat, therefore I am

2010-03-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that the way that you gchat is reflective of the type of person you are.

If I am already friends with you, this is a pretty accurate assessment of who you are and I can almost picture you talking to me in real life (for my long-distance best friends). But if I have yet to meet you, I can size you up with just a short conversation. Here is a summary of the indicators I have come up with:

- Excessive use of emoticons = toolbag. And now that gmail has made these faces animated, it just makes it worse. These should be used sparingly and only in an inside joke scenario. If you are trying to convey how you are really feeling through an emoticon, there are bigger issues at hand.

- Still using middle school AIM lingo = immature. Such words as "g2g," "ttyl" and others were fine to use when we were still taking spelling and vocabulary tests in school and we didn't know how to spell actual words. Plus you looked more appealing to your crush on AIM if you dropped a few of these terms. But now are are working adults, out of college, these terms should be left in the past. This just tells me you don't care about spelling or grammar, which are giant pet peeves of mine. I am guilty of ignoring the proper use of punctuation and capitalization when gchatting. However, I always spell my words out in their entirety and I don't need a special decoder or a search engine to figure out you are trying to say to me. An occasional LOL is fine with me, but only if you are actually laughing out loud.

- Type how you talk = potentially good or bad. Unless you are Eminem or that crazy beyotch Angelea from ANTM, I would assume you speak like a normal person. But when I see some "I ain't be talkin to nobody", our gchat is over.

An eHarmz update on me:

- A Leo recap: the day after the date he felt the need to recap the entire night to me (hint: I WAS THERE) via gchat. Also, he asked me to rate our date on a scale from 1 to 10. Also referred to me as "hot." Personally, I am not a fan of the term, unless you are referring to the temperature. I just don't find it very genuine. I haven't spoken with him since Friday, so who knows when he will surface asking for a second date.

- Got matched with a 19 year old today. Enough said.

- I have reached stage 3 of questions with a Matthew. His (one) picture shows some promise and he asked me some insightful questions.

- I had an aggressive battle with another Matthew on Friday afternoon. I was first nudged by Matthew. I rechecked his profile, only to see that this was one of the guys I had kept around in my matches folder but never communicated with. He resembled David Cross (google image now.) aka Tobias from Arrested Development. His nudging and boring profile warranted a closed match, just because I do not appreciate being jostled by eHarmz or electronically by Matthew to communicate with him. THEN I received an ice breaker subsequent to closing him (is this allowed??) saying "I'd love to chat!!" Obviously, he then sent me his Final Message, the ever-so-creepy, "I really felt we had potential. I'd like you to reconsider."

xoxo,

$L 4

$ingle lady #6: Why no photos, boys?

2010-03-15T08:06:00.001-07:00

The communication block has finally been lifted: three people are now responding back and forth with me (finally) and I feel less like an online dating pariah. I'm even e-mailing with someone, and although he did not capitalize my name in his first correspondence, I'll let it slide because he is a lawyer and can probably take me somewhere nice-ish for dinner. (BTW, these lawyer-types seem to be very prevalent on eH, I think we're all communicating with some.)

My newest eH pet peeve is that some (lots of) boys don't provide photos. I noticed it a bit in the beginning, but now eHarmony is consistently sending matches without photographs (even though I'm pretty sure I told it not to). I don't so much understand whether this means they are so attractive they feel they want people to know them for the "right reasons," or whether they are so unattractive they fear no one would communicate with them if they have they provide photographic evidence. Either way, I'm 1000 times less likely to chat you with no pics, so this dumb behavior should stop. If you're going to pay the money, why wouldn't you at least play the game?

I'm also getting worried that my matches seem to be coming from farther and farther away. This weekend I got matches from places such as Lorton; Rockville, Silver Spring, Clark, and other far off lands. This is depressing as I'm only interested in meeting a metro-accessible boy toy, preferably on the orange line. Bummer.

I need at least 35 pictures of each boy before making dating decisions, and he should maybe also be my neighbor,
$L6

$ingle lady #2 meets adults

2010-03-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I got to hang out with my BFF's sister and her husband. They are recently married and have an adorable house on the main line in PA. She cooked me salmon and veggies and served wine and real appetizers on a cheese tray that apparently I gave her for their wedding (go me!).

Conversation flows from work to wedding to fear of small children to...eHarmony! Let me tell you - the married peeps loooooved hearing about online dating. The husband was all "what happens first?...then what?...then what?...fascinating!!" I brought up some points during the convo that I was very proud of, and that I hadn't put into words until last night. Examples include:

All of the boys ask you the SAME multiple choice questions. And all are an attempt to find out if you are a) clingy, and b) are going to make them do crap they don't want to do. I am always always asked the following:

-Which would you rather do on a Saturday night: Sporting event, ballet, dance club, stay home
-If I brought you to a party, would you: stay by my side, sit in the corner, strike out and make friends?
-Which of the following would you rather date: someone super busy, sometimes busy, always available
-How much personal space do you require: none, one night a week, equal together and alone time

Match after match, I always get these questions. Sometimes I just write in my own answer to the last question and say that I require mandatory hip-connection surgery after two dates. Like, relax, I'll leave you alone.

My next epiphany was the following analogy: Men on eHarmony are like clothes that are on sale. You know when you go to the department store, and like, EVERYTHING from BCBG is marked down 70% and an extra 30%? And you pull every adorable top and sexy dress just thinking OMG I'm going to buy so much awesome shit and it's all going to be totally free!!

And then you proceed to the dressing room and the first dress doesn't fit quite right...and the second is nice but kind of confused and where on Earth could you wear it? and the third top couldn't cover your boobs if your life depended on it...and then you realize - there's a reason this crap is on sale. No one bought it when it was a new arrival. It sadly sat on the rack and now they just want you to take it away to make room for the Spring collection. Wah. And you walk out with nothing.

Well, I think that maybe there is a reason these guys are on eH. Maybe they look cute on the hanger, or seem like a great deal. And I'm sure there is that one great guy if you are really diligent and scour the racks. But, something is just a tad off about them, and that is the reason they have yet to be purchased.

$ingle Lady #1: Pleather and $peed Dating

2010-03-11T09:50:00.000-08:00

ADD is starting to kick in. I’m coming into the home stretch of my membership and eHarmz is starting to bore me. Today I went in and rapid fire closed 25 not-meant-to-bes, though I still refuse to use “I’m pursuing another relationship on eHarmony” as my Closing reason. I did initiate conversation with a guy named Kobe, 1) because that should be my name, and 2) because he’s wearing what appears to be a pleather jacket in his photo, and also with two or three other mehs.

In an effort to spice things up, a few friends and I are trying out the $peed dating cycle – what may become the evolution of online dating. Sadly, there’s an age requirement of 25, so we all had to lie. Then, we panicked because we’re concerned they’re going to check IDs. Fortunately, I still have my fake procured from a sketch basement bong/ID "store" in Toronto when I was 18, so I put in my birthday in the year 1982 (do the math), and requested my sister bring it to me from its hiding place in my childhood bedroom. Must relearn my zip code and re-Google my astrological sign in case the bouncer quizzes me. Stay tuned for three weeks, but in the meantime, check out:

http://www.hurrydate.com/index.cfm?fuseAction=frontEvents.eventDetails&id=9662&yourSex=f&partnerSex=m

Lawyerboy confirmed our impending Date #4 last night. He gets a huge thumbs up from every dood I work with since he’s taking me to Dave and Buster$ for a night of competitive arcade gaming. I told him I’m crafting my strategy. He told me he’s on to my “look pretty to distract him” move so don’t bother. [Insert awwwww here]. Sarah, book your tickets now and start practicing!

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #6 - Communication Fail

2010-03-10T12:44:00.001-08:00

I will die if I allow myself to continue wondering why all of my matches have stalled out in various stages of communication. It's been a couple days since I've "sent my must haves and can't stands" or answered some open-ended (and extremely boring, btw) questions from a match.

Why are all my matches stalling at this stage? Is it because my questions are too wonky, or because my answers were overeager? Was I too excited when I told them that although it's cliche, I just love to travel, and that I think "rollerblading on the beach" sounds impossible to do? Is it because I answered Hilarious Michael after I had had a few beers on Friday night and scared him off? (Don't worry, I was supervised.)

Either way, both the semi-decent looking matches and the weird ones I just figured I would humor are all giving me the silent treatment. My "communicating" page has eight people listed as "waiting for response." I'm getting sad. This springlike weather makes me want to go drink on a patio with some new handsome stranger, and it's just not happening.

I know I need to calm down. The other $ingle ladiez had to wait a while before getting a great match and even getting a solid date. I'm just impatient. I want to send sassy and witty e-mails with strangers to make myself feel loved. Wah.

Somebody talk to me, please!,
$L6

P.S. I too got paired $L2's friends' roommate.
P.P.S. I too was once romantically involved with him.
P.P.P.S. YIKES!

$ingle lady #4: just OK

2010-03-10T10:59:00.001-08:00

So after much planning, replanning and scheduling and rescheduling the date with Leo finally went down last night. I wasn't really in the date-y mood but I put on a good face and went. Also I was nervous? I didn't even really start contemplating the fact that I was going on a "first date" with someone I didn't know until about 15 minutes before I was supposed to meet him. In the past when embarking on a first date, I always knew the person or atleast hung out with them prior to the first date. It had helped that we had spoken via gchat beforehand but still, I didn't want to be "that awkward eHarmz date in Panera" situation and have the people and bartenders judging me.

So I've decided to provide a rundown of the date, in the fashion of the NYMag Gossip Girl blog:

The Good....

- We had plenty to talk about. Plus 5. I hate awkward silences. Resulting in a 3 hour long date, somewhat promising.

- We come from similar families/backgrounds. Plus 3. I don't want to be dealing with any crazy in-laws or a big fat greek wedding situation.

- We had similar college experiences. Plus 5. Thus ensued an extensive discussion about frats/sororities, raging and study abroad.

- We have similar tastes in music and other interests/activities. Plus 8, since my musical tastes are eclectic and I enjoy when someone can appreciate it.

The Not So Good....

- Slampiece photo was 88% accurate. Minus 1, because he probably just picked his best photos for eHarmz, as we all guilty of this. Not to mention I'm sure I was looking less than desirable after the way work has been going.

- He used the term "little boy's room" when indicating that he was going to the bathroom. Minus 50, since I hate this phrase. But since it was the first date I won't harp on it too much.

- He is a YANKEES fan. Minus 100000000000000. For anyone born and raised in Boston, this is an immediate deal breaker. But I cannot close him on eHarmz citing the reason as being, "you are a yankees fan and thus dead to me. you basically root for the devil of baseball."

- Already brought up past relationships. Minus 5, since this is kind of strange to start getting into on your first date. That's more of a conversation to have (or not) when you are already in a committed relationship.

- He used some other quirky comments that made me sort of judge him as a toolbag. Minus 8, because it made sort of uncomfortable. However per discussion with $L1, she encouraged me to give it another date to really put that label on him.

Overall I would give the date a B. It wasn't a "fireworks, out of the park, we really have a spark here" date. But it wasn't also a "I have to fake an emergency call to get out of here" date either. He has friends in town the rest of the week/weekend, so potential second date will not occur until next week at the earliest. $L1 encouraged me to give it another shot and go out with him again, which I think I will do, so I can justify my ROI (i love accounting terms). Also because I think eHarmz forgot that I was a registered member and has not provided me any new matches since this weekend.

I am also beginning to get frustrated that almost all of my new matches have their pictures hidden! I got curious the other day and decided to see what happened when I requested their photo. Now, I just assumed that it was similar to friending someone on facebook. You click on the "request this person at a friend button" and then facebook asks you AGAIN are you sure you want to request? I applied this same logic to requesting a photo. Boy was I wrong. When you click on "request photo" the request immediately goes through! I wasn't even sure if I liked the profile of the guy. But now I have a request for eHarmz email communication all because I "photo nudged" him. If I had known this I would never have requested it. Embarrassing.

$ingle lady #2 and the work trip

2010-03-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

Enter the work trip and the out-of-town $ingle lady. How is she supposed to cultivate and nurture a budding eHarmony romance when she is MIA for 9 days? It is $ingle lady #2's eternal struggle: "absence makes the heart grow fonder" VS. "out of sight, out of mind." It's a delicate balance really. I contend that after only 1-2 dates, you will know if this is a person you care to see again. But if you don't see them for Date #3 after 2 weeks, this romance can easily fizzle out. You need time to ignite the spark so that the flame, dull as it may be, can continue burning despite a 9-day hiatus.

So, yeah, I'm out of town for work. BUT I'm also staying with my wonderful friend and we are having a lesbian-good-time. AND this weekend I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party. So if the CC flame fizzles, I'll get over it. After all, he's not packing me delicious lunches including greek yogurt and Yodels (apparently they are called Swiss Rolls when you aren't from NJ) or cooking me salmon with butternut squash for dinner...my lovely host is doing these things.

However since CC did take me to two dinners (and pay for me), I told him that I owed him a delicious dinner. He said he would hold me to it, so we'll see. I hope I get the opportunity to play Giada and prance around in my apron...maybe I'll even make $L#6's fifth date chicken!

Loving my temporary window office,
$L#2

$ingle Lady #1 and the lost art of the phone call

2010-03-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

Real Doods use phones. Not just for texting and bbming, but for what God and Alexander Graham Bell intended. Admittedly, as a $ingle Lady of the "Millenials" generation, I'm 1000% behind texting because:

1) I live in NYC. It's loud, literally everywhere. I sometimes can't hear even in my apartment, particularly at 3 am on garbage night(s).

2) You can't winky face in a phone call. Hard as I try...

3) I keep odd hours, since I'm really a vampire. I don't really sleep a lot so it's likely that my free phone time is between 10 pm and 1 am, and 6 am and 8 am...and only if you're willing to chat while I'm on the treadmill or have DVR on silent in the background.

However, because of the onslaught of texting, the phone call, and especially the voicemail, has become a lost art. In general, I'm a very skilled voicemail leaver. Most of my workday is spent on the phone, receiving and leaving voicemails for clients and sales reps. It's a source of pride.

Enter Monday night, with a missed call from lawyerboy. Perfectly orchestrated vm asking about my day, giving breezy details on his, and requesting date #4. Well balanced between actual conversation starters and actionable plan making, I must admit, I was impressed, but then I remembered that he's a real grown up so of course he knows how to leave a good voicemail. Cell phones weren't even invented yet in his impressionable youth when one learns etiquette. Of course, as the mature adult I am, I responded via text (defense: still at the office) that I was just leaving and needed to go work out and my phone was dying (truth and truth), but that I would call him Tuesday. Then, got home, realized the gym was a crazy idea, charged my phone, and decided I didn't want to make a liar out of myself (because he would definitely remember that I said I was going to work out and ask me how it went, and anyone who knows me knows I'm a TERRIBLE liar). So I called and left definitely the worst voicemail of my entire life. For some reason, I was totally flustered and really just stammered out three sentences and hung up.

Now I'm in a pickle (ooo this is a lonnnng post today!). I talked out of both sides of my mouth and it came back to bite me in the a$$. I said I'd call him tomorrow (in writing! and he's a lawyer!) but then called that night. Was I still on the hook to call the next day? In the holy words of the $ingle Ladies goddess, Blair Waldorf, "Everybody needs to play games." (PS. thank goodness GG is back!!) Therefore, I can't make two unanswered reachouts of communication. Ugh.

Editor's Note: This was a two-day entry. Meanwhile, last night, he did call. We chatted (I even paused 16 & Pregnant instead of just putting it on mute...a courtesy I don't always even extend to my parents [sorry Mom]) and made dinner plans for Sunday. I even admitted that I had a good day and my reward was a dinner of Spaghettios and Butterfinger ice cream. He's pumped that he's now in possession of the knowledge that I'm a cheap date.

xo,
$L#1

$L#6 hates traffic and blizzards and girlfriends

2010-03-08T09:30:00.001-08:00

OK, I'll admit it. I was maybe sorta a little bit trying to trick karma by signing up for the dating Web site thingie.

My life follows a few rules:

1. If I buy something, it will immediately go on sale. [Also in this category: If I change lanes on the highway, the other will go faster; If I go one way to avoid traffic, the other route will spontaneously burst into flames or something; If I set my alarm really early to get up and be productive, I'll forget to turn it on.]
2. If I plan a trip somewhere fun, it will blizzard in departure location and get canceled. [Or, If I go to Miami, it will rain and be cloudy for the only five days of the year it is ever rainy and cloudy there.]
3. If I like you, you have a girlfriend.
4. If you like me, you have a girlfriend.
5. If I get invited to do something fun, there is a 100% chance that I will also get invited to do something else fun on that same day. And I won't be able to go. And I also won't have anything else on my calendar, at all, for the preceding and subsequent six months.

I was hoping to add my namesake's number 6 to this list: If I sign up for online dating, I will meet the man of my dreams in a bar and therefore have wasted my hard-earned money.

Well, no such luck in this first weekend; I succeeded only in again falling in love with someone who has a girlfriend. Shocker!

My eHarmz updates: I went on a closing spree and closed all the matches I knew I wouldn't be interested in and was too lazy to continue pleasantries with. Someone closed me and I was offended even though he had some dealbreakers in his profile because like, wtf? I am playing question game with a few people but still think eHarmony is holding out on some sweet matches for me that it is saving for a rainy day. I am being actively ignored by people that $L2 has already dated and I'm getting impatient.

Ever the optimist, there's still plenty of time,
$L6

$ingle Lady #4 also thinks boys are weird

2010-03-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to join $L 2 in her boy venting session since I encountered a similar confusing boy situation this weekend myself. And I definitely am in agreement that they are WEIRD.

So before I joined this whole eHarmz experiment, we shall say that I was hanging out with this boy. Let's nickname him W. Incidentally we went to the same college, but never really crossed paths and met this fall through a friend. It was nothing serious, but he did take me out and I was under the assumption that there was something going on and there was some form of feelings involved. We talked all the time and on a daily basis. Things were going fine until I went to Canada about a month ago for work, then things started to get weird.

So I left for Canada on a Sunday, and spoke with him on Monday morning before work. Then Monday night I waited around for the usual bbm to come in. It never came. This may seem like an overreaction to some people, but for the amount of time we spent talking and the frequency of it, this was definitely unusual. So I tried to play it cool and not be the crazy-girl and so I waited on Tuesday for the bbm to come. It never came. So for the rest of the week I didn't hear from him and was racking my brain trying to figure out what had changed in the span of 12 hours on Monday when I had last talked to him. So then the ignoring game continued for the next couple of WEEKS. Part of me was saying to forget about it, since I am usually not one to chase after a boy. But another part of me really liked him and wanted to find out why I was being ignored.

So I decided to be bold and write him an email (since I had deleted his number out of my phone, my thumbs do crazy things when I've been drinking), after much consultation with other $ingle ladies. Good thing I never got around to writing the email because he ended up reaching out to me. The conversation went something like this:

W: So you've been MIA lately
$L4: uh, likewise
W: What?? No way

CLEARLY we haven't spoken in a number of weeks, and this tells me that he wasn't exactly racking his brain trying to figure out why this was happening (unlike someone else). So then following the reunion conversation we exchanged some messages back and forth but something was noticeably off. Things just were not the way they used to be. I tried to resume our usual bbm convos, but he was not very talkative and I felt like I was bothering him. This is usually when I back off, since its clear man code that he's just not interested. So this weekend I was supposed to go to this St. Patrick's event with the friend who initially introduced us, figuring that W would be there as well. We had also talked about it earlier in the week, but more in the context that he was not including me in his plans.

So Saturday rolls around and we start formulating plans about what time we are going. Again, he was being very vague and not talkative. The friend also was not helpful and wasn't sure when they were heading over. In the end I never ended up hearing from either of them and just wrote it off as a lost cause. Luckily I had other things to keep this $ingle lady busy, so it wasn't completely a waste of a day. But then W had the nerve, at around 7pm, to bbm me asking me if I was at the event. SERIOUSLY? I am not one to travel as a one-woman wolfpack, so its not like I was going to show up to this event, completely alone, and wander around trying to find them. I replied: '? I never heard from you guys?', to which he said "pfff please." This just set me off, the crazy girl was unfortunately coming out at this point. So I responded 'what was I supposed to do' and also a snide 'whatever, I can take a hint.' Playing the dumb boy card he just responded with a 'what?' and that was the end of communication.

I am still at a loss for what changed the way he was acting towards me and usually I wouldn't care but I was really starting to like W a lot, so it just bums me out that I don't know. I am trying to distract myself with the prospect of Leo in hopes that he is actually a promising match. I didn't hear from him since I canceled on him, so I was proactive and sent him a text trying to reschedule for this week. He said I was cute haha. But we are trying to make this long awaited date happen this week. At this point I should probably be cautious and not mention which day it is in case I need to flake on him for some reason.

Sidenote, the new matches I am being provided (all 3 of them) are nothing promising. I feel too creepy requesting their picture, but there has to be a reason why I am requesting it in the first place: one word, woof. If you don't think you are attractive in your photo, why try to hide it and lie to your matches. I received another match with a foreign/undecipherable language in it. I've received several invites to direct eH email and I'm ok with this, just as long as you don't have a creepy opening line. Both matches have failed MISERABLY on this front. See below:

Hi,
You have a great smile.

I'm looking to meet someone who can make me laugh. That's the one thing I enjoy more than anything ;)

I'm independent and free. I love learning and traveling. Recently I started taking helicopter pilot training just because I've never been in a helicopter before .

Sometimes I wake up and Just jump on a plane to somewhere I've never been just to see what happens.

This summer i'm making time to really enjoy myself. Working less and spending more time with the people that are important to me.

If you want to chat, you know where to find me.

$ingle lady #2 thinks boys are mad weird

2010-03-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

I'm having a serious issue with going on dates: separation anxiety. From my Blackberry. Seriously. These new dates are the only time that I don't give my Bberry, affectionately known as my "Justin Bieber," a glance for a good 2-4 hours. It lives by my bedside while I sleep, I answer emails on the Metro en route to work, I keep an eye out for BBMs from $inglelady friends throughout the day, at lunch with coworkers we look at our phones more often than each other, etc. etc. But on the first, second, third date, it is rude. I suppose it's also a breath of fresh air, considering nothing Earth-shattering has ever happened in those terrible 2-4 hours sans Bieber.

Anyway, my date on Thursday with CC was nice. We ate food at a fave restaurant that he selected, he picked me up, he knew the waiters and we got delicious treats for free. We went home, hugged and he said why don't we hang out on Friday night? Okay, I say. The plan is for me to tell him where I am going. I inform him, a few texts are exchanged, but we never meet up. The next day he says sorry, blah blah, what are you doing tonight? I tell him, then no response. Let me tell you - this bothers me. I don't know this boy well. I do not think that we need to spend our weekend together; we probably both have friends we'd rather see. But when it is YOUR idea, and YOU ask me to hang out, and YOU ask me what I'm doing, and then somehow it feels like it was MY idea to tell you what I'm doing and am bothering you, I get annoyed. So, let's just cut the crap.

I'm trying to figure out if this is me, or just a men-are-from-Mars-women-are-from-Venus issue. But I have a serious memory when it comes to boys I like. Watch out - I will remember everything you say. And if you say in passing that it would be fun to do something, or that we "should" hang out, or it "might" be nice to attend X event, I will not forget. I will think that this is a real plan. So maybe I'm crazy. I just like to see a little follow-through. It's fine if you don't want to do anything with me, just don't say you do.

So anyway I think that CC might be slightly strange, since today he followed up with 17 gchats saying "hello hello hello hello" and then disappeared. WTFffFFfF. I don't have time to decode this behavior (okay I probably have time but I don't feel like it).

Please let the Oscars end already,

$L#2

PS - This weekend I was matched with the roommate of a boy with whom I was previously romantically involved. This is getting to be a giant creep show.

$ingle Lady #1 is....dating?

2010-03-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

I've got to hand it to eHarmony. They may just have cured me of being a crazy girl. Almost every girl has her neuroses--whether or not they're willing to admit it out loud. Girl meets Boy. They hook up, or go out. Boy doesn't call (or text, or Facebook message, or bbm, or gchat, or put up a Google "Buzz" status about her...ps, what the hell IS that?!). Normally Perfectly Rational Girl starts thinking, "What did I do wrong?" Maybe she talks about it with her friends (or in my case, her friends, her coworkers, the Starbucks barrista, and of course, the worldwide web). Maybe she keeps it pent up in her head, but ladie$, admit it, it's always there. That nagging feeling that things aren't going to work out (even if they are, just 15 minutes after you wanted them to).

Enter eHarmz. For a site insistent on its ability to match you with your soul mate they are quick to drop another Mr. Right on you when your Mr. Right Now doesn't work out. Every few days, like clockwork, I get my 5-10 new match emails. Meet Him Now! Hurry, before another girl snatches him up!!

Now I'm a big, big offender of the over thinking, obsessive female behavior that $ingle ladies exhibit when they meet and get involved with a (hopefully) $ingle dood. However, I'm not over thinking this current situation. It may appear so to an outsider, especially my poor boss who listens to my daily status (usually with an impressive amount of faux interest), but in truth, while I have an amazing time on the dates, I'm not thinking too much about him in between. I hope it works out, but no harm no foul if it doesn't.

Shocking, because according to lawyerboy, most of the girls on eHarmz are of a particularly crazy variety, but maybe it's the cure?

Ok, ok, a quite little update on the Date. Went to a v. cute Italian restaurant very close to my apt, shared a lot of wine and good conversation, and found ourselves still sitting there 4 hours later. See, told you good and stable dates are boring to read about!

xo,
$L#1

Another Interesting Link...

2010-03-05T10:56:00.001-08:00

Friend of $ingle Ladies A sent this link long ago -

http://wamu.org/programs/dr/10/02/10.php#31804

Interesting podcast on internet dating. Pause your Pandoras, plug in those headphones, and check it out!

Date #3 with lawyerboy tonight. He called last night to set it up. Heart that he takes charge, picking the place before he'd even picked up the phone. But, accommodating as it's in my neighborhood and he got my help on the time. Obvs I put him on speakerphone conference so that all my co-workers could participate. Then J started giggling and I had to hang up on them. I'm also dragging him kicking and screaming into the pop culture world by insisting he "prep for court" (where he is all day today) by watching The Deep End on ABC. Discussion points will follow at dinner.

After tonight, I'll probably officially pass the sideline goal of hitting a positive ROI mark making my eHarmz journey a fiscally responsible decision. Which, unfortunately, sounded a lot less shallow to me before there was a face to that ROI...

xo,
$L#1

$L6 closes a match, feels guilty, questions her dealbreakers

2010-03-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

OK, this is all very new and exciting, but I just closed the first match I got from someone requesting communication with me without even answering questions. Is this going to give me bad online dating karma in the future? I hope not, but I just happen to know already that if you drink alcohol only a few times a year and are self-admittedly a picky eater (enough so to put this on your dating profile), we probably won't match. Also he lived more than 15 miles away which is too far for me to do a walk of shame from in the morning. I would have to hitchhike or ride on the back of his motorcycle. No thanks!

Dear eHarmony, that wasn't your best match. Try harder.

I apparently need an alcoholic, adventurous eater who lives two blocks away,
$L6

Maybe we were too quick to judge eHarmz?

2010-03-05T10:49:00.000-08:00

Despite all the recent success of Date Week 2010 and an addition of another $ingle Lady, I just came across this article on online daters:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/05/online.dating.liars/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn. Hopefully our matches don't turn out to be any of these guys.

Happy glorious Friday.

xo,
$L4

$L6 competes with $L2 for the five eligible men in DC on eHarm

2010-03-05T06:06:00.000-08:00

Hello, readers. I'd like to start by apologizing immediately for adding yet another number to this mix of fantabulous $ingle ladiez. I can barely keep them straight as a loyal reader so I imagine this might make things tough. Fittingly, my favorite number is 6, my birthday is 6/6, and my goal will be to go on 6 dates before my 3 months and $120 have run out. [I made a Lenten promise to Jesus to go on a date by Easter, so that was the impetus of my spur-of-the-moment decision.]

I have my own blog, which I'll shamelessly plug often (www.lifeneedsedits.com). However, my parents read that blog, and the other day I made a reference to getting a boy in your pants with this delicious chicken recipe and my mom said "Please take that down, honey." You see why I need another forum to let my honesty shine through, right?

Some things you should know about me:

1. I joined eH yesterday and already have been matched with the same doods as $L2. I can't wait to compare notes.
2. It's really hard for me to remember to turn S's into dollar signs. I'm an editor, so secretly this causes a genuine feeling of unease in my soul.
3. I've never been on a real date in my life. The thought of meeting a stranger in a bar makes my insides turn inside out and makes me want to swallow a bottle of Pepto Bi$mol.
4. I use my boobs and knowledge of sports as leverage.
5. In 2010 I've been working on doing things that are generally more awesome, wild, and ridiculous than the things I did in 2009. Online dating definitely fits that resolution.

I think that's enough for now. I have 14 matches and no one is yet requesting communication with me after 24 hours. For those of you who suggest I do the first step, I'd just like to say that although I'm currently on a dating site I would still prefer if the boy pursues me (I recognize the ridiculousness of that statement). I'll wait until Sunday and then do one of these weird "ice breaker" thingies.

My foray into online dating has but one goal: To get me on a real date. I would hate to turn 25 this June without ever going on a first date or having a sweet horrible bad dating story to tell my grandchildren when I regale them with the fairy tale that will be "How I Met Your Poppy." No one will ever find me and love me if I'm laying in bed eating Cheez-Itz on a Saturday night, so here we go.

Cheer$,
$L6

$ingle lady #2 has an idea

2010-03-04T10:12:00.000-08:00

So. I think that there should be an eHarmony-ish website for finding an SGF: sassy gay friend. My BFF made an SGF last weekend in NYC and I was really jealous. They danced the night away at the Ritz. It was magical. Last night I made a new SGF and we talked about how luxurious the pants of the Banana Repulic monogram collection are (also I met some new friends who read the blog - woo!). He talked in his fake Minnesota lady accent, and I used my alter-ego "Pearl" who is a New Jersey 65-year-old yenta. We also drank champagne (and too many other drinks when I decided the 'tender was cute).

Just like in that video, having an SGF is key. They tell you when your hair looks great, when it looks terrible, and when you're being a silly bitch. But finding an SGF isn't always easy, so I think there should be a Web site for that. Go.

Countdown to CC date!!!
SL#2

$L#5's wishes are granted

2010-03-04T07:21:00.001-08:00

So I am probably the laziest person on the face of the earth so I was pleasantly satisfied when I got an email request from Michael who rates an 8 on the SPS (slam piece scale). He said he thought eH's guided communication was awkward and wanted to know what I was up to this weekend/if I was up for getting a dRiNk. Looks like I AM participating in DW2k10! But hold the phone... I'm really scared. This is going to be totally awkward and I'm sweating in my desk chair thinking about it. OMG I'm probably going to pregame it and then over do it and be a drunk slob kabob. UGH. Also, I think I'm falling in love more and more with work buddy.

On a side note slightly related to SPS, I was listening to the radio during my morning commute and the DJ's were discussing how $L's should settle for say 7/8's and not look for that perfect 10. Their points were pretty valid which included there are NO $ingle Doods that are PERFECT 10s. Also if you are picky in your twenties, searching for that 10, you'll over look the 7/8s.... you'll enter your 30's /40's (omg i'm already stressing) and the only ones who will even look your way are 4/5's. Long story short... $Ls: there are plenty of decent $D out there that you can bring home to mom and dad... just stop being so darn picky.

And $L 4- if he's worth it, he'll understand your busy schedule and give you a second chance.

Happy Thursday,

Positive Polly $L5

$ingle Lady #4 is THAT guy

2010-03-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

Or girl in my case.

The clock reads 12:18am and I wish I could say I am just getting home from my date with Leo. Alas I have failed to participate in Date Week 2010 and am now THAT guy/girl who flakes on their date for an excuse that seems so lame.

I also had a debbie downer sort of day, I can sympathize with you $L5, so needless to say I wasn't really in the date-y mood. But we were meeting for drinks and I was definitely up for the drinks part. But I had gotten word that I had to return to the office for work tonight. I figured I could make it a short trip, but ended up leaving at 10:30. Too late for a date, leaving Leo "frustrated" as he put it in the text.

In retrospect, signing up for eH during tax season probably wasn't the best idea since my schedule is unpredictable and can't exactly make plans since I'm usually on someone else's schedule. To his credit, he was very understanding about the whole thing and already has a sense as to how my job is during this time of year. And we are both busy the next few nights so the next date is TBA and essentially the ball is in my court to make it happen since I am now THAT girl.

With that, my date outfit is wasted and I'm sure he is tallying the negative points against me already.

Datele$$,

$L #4

FIVE is ALIVE

2010-03-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

Hello readers,

I signed up for eH as promised, however, I've been in some what of a rut. This weekend was just overall terrible: my exam was horrible, I received undesirable test results from the previous exam, Crate and Barrel delivered the wrong bed I ordered, I didn't cap my Dior Show mascara so it dried out, someone created an offensive twitter account for me (just kidding that shiz is hilarious)...and to top it all off the $90 for 3 months promo ended just as I was entering my CC digits. UGH. Sorry. I'm being a huge Debbie Downer. That's enough of mybitter buffalo/poor me rant.

I logged into eH Sunday night expecting a Woof Factor of 75% based on the other $ingle Ladies' experiences. To my surprise, I only had a couple Woof Jobs (that sounds nasty, I'll refrain from using that again). However, my promising Teen Wolf Tom was literally a werewolf. UGH. I responded to the suitors that sent me questions and reviewed the pics of all my matches. Seeing as there were 50 matches and I decided to peruse them at 10p on a Sunday night, I didn't do a thorough analysis of each profile. I did find some good ones.

I've been kind of disappointed that I'm not engaging in friendly banter with my suitors a la $L2, nor am I participating in Date Week2k10. However, I'm realizing this is all my fault. Partaking in eH has just made me realize that I'm a very passive person. I want things to come to me and unfold my way.

I have about 3 requests to skip guided communication and going straight to email. These boys are pretty decent too. However, I am overcome with a sense of uneasiness... similar to that feeling you got as a twelve year old when sending out your A/S/L over AOL instant messenger. After morning chatting with $L 2, I'm going to have to be more ballzy and start sending out "Ice Breakers" and engaging in the open communication email. I've got a busy evening of eH'ing ahead of me.

Boring the readers to death with her crabby pants post,
$L 5

$ingle Lady #1: Maybe eHarmz is on to something?

2010-03-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

Date numero dos with lawyerboy was a rousing success despite all the odds.

The Odds:

1) We went for sushi, which is universally recognized as the worst and most awkward date food ever, falling immediately behind giant cloves of garlic smothered in raw onions.

2) We had to wait a few minutes for our table and had a glass of wine at the bar. I hadn’t finished mine by the time we sat down so I brought it to the table. He ordered a bottle, which came while I was still demurely sipping my glass and I ended up double fisting different types of pinot grigio. So, I asked the waiter for a funnel, which he could not produce.

3) Again, with the morbid throw-my-body-in-the-river comments! Ugh, I can’t shake them. This time, he initiated most, so apparently, he’s into it. Foreshadow?

4) I don’t know anything about lawyering, and thus, couldn’t muster authentic awe when he told me then name of his law firm. In my defense, I told him this up front, and then feigned mock excitement before promptly forgetting it.

5) He told me he considered running for President but can’t because of his last name. Follow up question is, of course, what is it? (I was ready with a solid “that’s what she said” line, assuming what would follow was something totally inappropriate). Alas, it’s just complicated, and as he put it, Presidents have easy last names to remember. He’s totally right, because I couldn’t remember it (even though I promised to vote for him), and am currently employing my superb internet stalking skillz to Google the archives of his college’s athletic website to find it (Interim pause…success! Damn I'm good at this). That’s a super awkward thing to have to ask someone twice…

The Despite:

Date #3 scheduled for actual Date Night. I believe it involves us embarking on a college-style-because-I-can-drink-you-under-the-table-themed bar crawl. And you thought I was becoming a grown up…

Count it. 4 days, 3 $ingle Ladies, 4 dates. There's an equation in there somewhere that maybe lends itself to the success of this Internet Dating thing after all?

Xo,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle lady #2: gsuccess!

2010-03-02T20:05:00.000-08:00

I don't have any chachy themes for this post. Through my best gchatting I have secured a second date on Thursday with CC. It is getting creepier and creepier how much we have in common. Like, Single Lady #1, you were there on New Year's Day when we filled out the questionnaire. Did I miss the question that said "What is your favorite place for chicken wings in DC?" and that is how I found this perfect match? Maybe I just don't remember answering that question. Also - we're Facebook friends now - BONUS. What a treasure trove compared to the 12 photo max on eHarmz. Also, these photo captions, yipes. The grammar is impeccable because they are approximately 2-3 sentences each. While that is strange, they are cracking me up.

In conclusion, this is DATE WEEK for the $ingle ladies. #1 tonight, #4 tomorrow, me on Thurs. WhErE u At #5??

Night,

$lady#2

$ingle Lady #4 - It's official

2010-03-02T11:25:00.000-08:00

So it is official, I am embarking on my first eHarmz date tomorrow evening with Leo for drinks. We have been doing a fair amount of gchatting which bodes well for no awkward periods of silence tomorrow hopefully. We are meeting in his 'hood, since I am already familiar with the area. But I will be sure to provide a thorough run down of all date activities Thursday. Is it bad I am already trying to plan my go to work transition to date outfit?

eHarmz continues to be telepathic,

new matches count for the week tally: 5.
promising matches: 0.

$ingle lady #2: Are you laughing out loud? Really, are you??

2010-03-01T06:41:00.000-08:00

You'll recall that in one of my earliest posts (ah when I was just a baby blogger...), I said that using the term "LOL" was a rea$on for dismissal. Well, Arthur has snuck up on me as an lol'er. I had ignored his eH message for a few weeks, because I was clearly too busy thinking of names that involve the word "crisp" (oh, apple crisp, just thought of that BOOM). But at the end of last week I realized that putting all of my eggs into one crisp basket may not be the best idea. After all, I only have one month left in my membership so I may as well get my $ worth.

So, I responded to Arthur and he was all "hey, long time no response, lol." Woof. Come on, you did not laugh out loud at your own sentence. I know you didn't. I'm all for cracking myself up, but that wasn't funny. What you mean to say is "I didn't know if you were going to respond because you left me waiting for so long and instead of just answering your email I'm going to awkwardly call you out about it and then put in an acronym that is socially used to make you know I am kind of kidding, but not really, but yes, definitely kidding." Phew.

But Arthur seems kind of nice and is cute so can I write him off for using lol seven times in one paragraph? I rationalize the reason that I don't want someone who is 'excessively overweight' (eH's term, not mine) with the fact that certain character traits usually accompany being excessively overweight, i.e. laziness, not taking pride in your appearance, etc., so I wouldn't want to date someone with those traits. But is there some character flaw that is linked to using lol? The only one I can think of is BEING REALLY ANNOYING. So we'll see.

And, I would like to point out, that sometimes when chatting with $ingle lady #5, we found ourselves in need of LOL. Because we always make each other laugh out loud. This is the purpose of the abbrev. So, instead of using LOL, we've made up our own. You are free to use them if you'd like:

-"COL" - chuckling out loud (when something is a little funny but not so funny that you're bursting out laughing)
-"PIMP" - peeing in my pants
-"APM" - almost pooing myself (reserved for the funniest of convos)

So, boys, be creative when you're laughing out loud! I'm always in the market for new shorthand. And if you're not laughing out loud, don't try to tell me you are.

Happy Monday,
$L#2

$ingle lady #4 is in a $lump

2010-03-01T06:30:00.000-08:00

I think its safe to say that this $ingle lady is in a eHarmz $lump. I think I realized it this week as I was perusing my matches, and I noticed that I had looked through them all and had maybe only received 2 new matches this week. Maybe I am quick to judge, but I've only been on eHarmz for a week and I think I could say I am disappointed? I mean I have one promising match in Leo (more on him later) but I have found that overall I am being paired with people who are too old, boring, or unattractive.

Even if you are 35 and say that the age difference doesn't matter, it does! Clearly if you are on eHarmz at age 35 you are looking for wife material. At age 24, I am not ready to be anyones wifey just yet. Not to mention the difference in life experience and standing is just too much and would cause problems. Secondly, I admit that eHarmz can be overwhelming to maintain, but if you are paying to subscribe to the service at least put some effort into it. Numerous matches have responded to my questions with blah answers or not even answering with the question with a "oh that's a tough one..." How am I supposed to get to know you or like you if you can't even definitively answer a question?

As a result, I've started to employ the ignore game. I just haven't advanced to the next level of communication with several of the matches after their boring responses, hoping they don't come after me again. Their profile pictures were just so-so and I kept them around to see what they had to say as far as my compelling questions. But alas, no dice. I receive mediocre answers at best that do not excite me nor make me want to get to know them any better. It's too rude to close them as a match but I will just keep them sitting in my Communicating folder for now hoping that they will disappear.

I am happy to report that Leo and I have advanced to communication outside of eHarmz! We started to exchange gmails this week and even moved to gchat. I was sure to use some of those handy gflirting tips from $ingle lady #2. It was a busy last week for me, but we are planning on meeting up this week for a drink. I have found that we have similar interests and backgrounds through our conversation (and some facebook stalking). But this is my only hopeful eHarmz match thus far, so will report back and give my date grade later this week.

Also, I'm starting to really question these 29 "Dimensions of Compatibility" that eHarmz apparently matches you on. I was paired with a guy this week who had written his profile in some other language (pig latin I think) and never drank. I'm no boozeface, but I enjoy a good drink at the end of the week. Already we are not compatible. Not to mention I can't even decipher this:

The three things which taylor is most thankful for:

ftthtyhsrtysrtysrt
ysrtysrtysrtysrty
srtystreysertysertyserty

Incidentally I just received an email from eHarmz telling me how I can "score" more matches (incidentally it is also telepathic). These two suggestions caught my interest as they just sound completely ridiculous:

Distance – If your match distance setting is at 30 or 60 miles, you may not receive matches who live 31 or 61 miles from you. We recommend setting your match distance settings to at least 120 miles to ensure you get as many quality matches as possible. I'm really not interested in traveling 120 miles to find the man of my dreams.

Drinking Preference – Relaxing this setting to 'a few times a year' or more can greatly expand your qualified matching pool. Someone who has a glass of wine occasionally at dinner or sips champagne on New Year's Eve may have classified themselves as a "drinker" – yet be acceptable to you. WHOA. So are you saying that I'm an alcoholic eHarmz for drinking "several times a week"??? I don't mind if someone doesn't drink but if I want to go out on a Saturday night and he doesn't want to because he "doesn't drink", then are we really compatible eHarmz? Also, typical first dates now are "meet for a drink." What are we going to do, meet up for "conversation?"

Hopefully I can restore my faith in eH this week after my date with Leo and hopefully some new, promising matches. Until then, it is in the doghouse.

xo,
$lumpy $ingle Lady

$ingle Lady #1: A Tale of a $ingle Lady

2010-02-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

A $ingle Lady sits at a bar. Alone would make a better story, but alas, she sits amongst friends. Her phone rings. An unknown number. Does she answer? Her friends certainly encourage it. Deep breath. Hello? They discuss the massive snowicane that continues to pummel their city. He asks if he can take her to dinner the following week. $ushi, in fact, to bolster her addiction to mercury poisoning. (Heart). Then, he makes a joke that he'd take her to do coke but that's a little heavy for a second date [Narrator interruption: something I didn't reveal to you before, but yet another of my Minus points was telling him that people think I do coke to keep my energy up, but I don't, and therefore think it's mercury poisoning...plus many points for him turning that into an inside joke. In my defense, it's an office joke, and come on, if you can joke about it at work, you can joke about it on a date...] They discuss neighborhoods, and agree that he'll text her a location after he does a little research on places to go. They wish each other a happy weekend, and hang up.

The end. Or rather, to be continued...

xo,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle Lady #1 Elaborates

2010-02-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

Realized this morning from the massive amounts of feedback that the post last night was a totally inadequate description of the date. Overall, I'd give the actual date a solid A-. It was a little awkward to begin with, because you spend the first half of the date totally ignoring the fact that you came to be there through the Worldwide Web. Then, one or the other makes a comment about it and all the awkwardness goes out the window as you laugh and joke about how weird the whole process is. But overall, conversation flowed naturally, he and I bantered well, and I really feel like he got a good read on my overall energy and personality. (Plus, bonus points for my well-executed professional-but-not-stuffy-since-I-work-in-a-creative-industry outfit. Yes, it was a group effort).

He gets two very solid plus 5s. One, because when I told him what I do, his follow up comment was, "Oh, I just bought Dove yesterday." I squealed with delight (which was apparently, my minus), and immediately hearted him. Then launched into the spiel about how he should next buy Dove Men+Care because "he's a man." Two, because in the midst of telling him I'm training for a half-marathon (side bar: he ran in college...in fact, was supposed to run D1, then had a horrific injury his junior year which should have stalled his whole career, got dumped by D1, still wooed by D3 and ended up getting an acceptance letter handed to him on his coaches visit. He didn't even have to apply, lucky ba$tard, and had he overcome and made it to the Olympics he totally would have had a one-on-one sitdown with Natalie Morales), I told him how lovely it was to train in Mexico where the trainers would come by every 5 minutes with lemon-infused water and a cold towel. Response: "I have the best idea. Me and my friends will rent a golf cart and drive next to you while you run, pouring you lemon-infused water and handing you cold towels." Hearted him more. One the one hand, come on, that would just be awesome, and on the other, he used the words "me," "you," and "my friends" all in one statement.

Needless to say, he didn't hit the noon deadline. I find myself blissfully unconcerned. The deadline is arbitrary, and truthfully, if I was a dood I wouldn't follow-up-first-date text on a Friday morning. That leaves wayyy to much open about the next date day. Friday and Saturday second dates from the Internet are aggressive. I'm expecting a Sunday or Monday follow up, maybe setting up drinks or dinner next week.

And if he doesn't, eager-beaver Wesley is still on my open list ;-)

xo,
$L#1

$ingle Lady #1: B- at Best

2010-02-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

I purposely waited 24 hours to post to let the juices marinate. I was feelin' good. I sent the 10 pm requisite "I'm still alive and not floating in the East River" texts. My mom called at 11 pm last night to gossip about the date. I walked into the office this morning firmly in B+ territory. I'd even venture to say A- but didn't want to appear cocky.

Flashback. The date was good! He totally took charge, immediately offering to get me a beverage when I walked in, and had clearly been there for long enough to be early (since he was already almost a full-beer deep). Plus 1. He'd secured a table so we could sit and talk, rather than sit at the bar. Plus 2. We had easy, flowing conversation, both laughed often, and engaged in witty banter. Plus 3. We ended the evening with him hailing me a cab, kissing me (on the cheek! naughty, naughty) goodnight, and asking for my digit$ so he could call me sometime. Plus 4. Success huh?

Not so fast. The details started to emerge about my behavior on the date, and my success ball of yarn started to unravel. I talked too much. I was wayyy too enthusiastic about my job (but come on, everyone should use Dove soap). When asked about my unnaturally high amount of energy, I attributed it to mercury poisoning from all the sushi I eat. He and I bantered about murder jokes (there's an explanation, but seems irrelevant to this paragraph...). Minus 1. Minus 2. Minus 3. For me.

Enter happy hour tonight. A circle of mixed-gender captivated listeners (or perhaps, just captives...ask them?) evaluating my date. Apparently, somewhere between The Guy Code and He's Just Not That Into You, lawyerboy has until exactly noon tomorrow to throw a follow up text my way before it's officially not happening at all. Ouch, rules. Ouch.

Stay tuned. 13 hours and counting...

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #2: A guide to gflirting

2010-02-24T13:14:00.000-08:00

Gflirting, is of course, the ancient (read: since 2k7) art of gchat flirting. Once you have secured your new crush (cookie crisp) as a gchat contact, let the gamez begin! I contend that I do some of my best work via gchat. There are many things to consider. I find it acceptable to open the lines of communication one time, if necessary. From there you are not to gchat your crush again until he gchats you.

The next step is the gchatus (gchat status) bait. Many gchatuses may serve as bait for your crush to chat you. Some examples include a chachy conversation between you and one of your funniest friends to get him to think:"gee I wish $L#2 and I were having hilarious gconvos..." Another option would be a humorous link to a Web site or youtube video, to elicit a "where did you find that?" or "haha" chat. Another option might be, a personal favorite of mine, a quote from your favorite movie - perhaps Home Alone. This will leave your crush racking his brain to identify the quote, at which point he may even IMDB the line to try to impress you with his movie knowledge.

The last option is an actual status about what you are doing, but just mysterious enough to serve as bait. Now, DO NOT make the mistake of being obvious. DO NOT use statuses such as "OMG so excited!!!" or "wah don't feel well :(" These baits are fooling no one. A good bait might be "taking a p-less nap," which of course refers to a pantless nap, made popular in 2k4 when you, after a long day of class, returned to your dorm to immediately take off your pants, crawl into bed with a bag of Tostitos Scoops, and fall asleep watching Blow starring Johnny Depp. However your crush does not know that the pantless nap is the epitome of laziness, and will instead chat you "what is a p-less nap?" And you will say "pantless, duh" and he will be left thinking of your lacy underwear, rather than you waking up with drool on your face and the entire bag of chips hoovered.

The final guideline is to stay away from gchat when drunk; it is to serve as sober communication only. Gchat will lose its magic if it simply becomes a variation of the drunk dial or text. Gflirting is best conducted while at work. If you have a job that does not allow gchat...you're probably out of luck and will die a lonely cat lady, unless you are some sort of 'adult' who uses the 'telephone' or flirts with people 'in person.' Lame.

Good luck!
$ingle lady #2

$ingle Lady #1: Daily Love Horoscope

2010-02-24T07:10:00.001-08:00

Thought this may be a good day to check this. Thought wrong.

Daily Flirt:
Today you're going to spend a lot of time questioning everything you're doing. Is your life going in the direction you'd like it to be going? Are you spending time with quality people? And so on.

Daily Singles:
Not sure if you want to be part of a couple or fly solo? Hang out with a married couple for a day or two -- kid optional. Do you feel a sense of longing, or a sense of 'thank goodness that's not me'? That should help.

Umm, eww! Here's hoping lawyerboy doesn't turn out to be....married?

xo,
$L#1 returns to blog domination

$ingle Lady #1: First first date lockdown?

2010-02-23T18:50:00.000-08:00

Soo looks like it's really going to happen. First first date w/lawyerboy is "set" for tomorrow. This time, he nailed down the time and place days in advance. A+ for being trainable. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous. The last time I had a real First Date with someone I honestly had never met before was last Fall, when I went on a few dates with a guy who was in my phone as J___ Gin Mill (fellow New Yorkers will understand the significance of meeting a guy there). After a date or two I did learn his real last name, but never bothered to change it in my phone. Maybe that was the first sign...

If pressed, I would say I'm probably a good first date. But, that's really only because I'm an excellent first date from my point of view. Like $L#2, I'm a T.A.L.K.E.R. Times a thousand. I could literally talk to a brick wall for 2 hours, and walk away thinking how fantastic it was. Therefore, no matter what, I know I'LL have fun on this date tomorrow. I can talk about sports, pop culture (scratch that, he's not a pop culture follower...), books, movies, enough about politics and world events.... We'll find common interests. We'll be able to laugh and talk about how awkward eHarmony dating is. and about the crazy hours at our jobs. Sounds like a great date to me! Stay tuned for his reaction... Must remember to take breaths between sentences to let him get a word in.

Weird result of Internet Dating #557: There is homework the night before the date. I've reviewed over 500 profiles. I'm in communication with 21 guys. I'm in email open communication with 6. It's hard to keep track of which guy's photo was on the Wall of China, and who was in front of the Eiffel Tower. Therefore, I'm spending the next 20 minutes studying his Cosmo quiz questions, Must Haves, Essays and Emails. I didn't do this much work in school!

Stay tuned...you'll either get a snooze, a lonng rant, or a few light sentences about how great it was...because $L#2 is right. The good guys just aren't fun to write or read about.

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #5: I shouldn't admit this but...

2010-02-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

I am not a fan of showering on weekends unless I'm going out. Strike that, I'm just not a fan of showering unless I will be around some slampiece or going somewhere that really matters like work. One time in college I went a whole 6 days not showering. However, I've changed my mind on this sitch. One of my birthday gifts from the parents included a lotion/shower gel combo from Fresh that is delightfully scented Sugar Lemon. I also got Bumble Bumble Alojoba 'poo and conditioner. These products smell so awesome that I have regained full interest in showering. Not only have I taken to smelling wonderful, I but I have also began partaking in girl rituals involving the painting of my nails, application of makeup everyday, nightly facial masks and the brushing of my hair not once but twice a day. I smell lovely; really, I can't stop sniffing my hair and skin.

This post makes my former self seem so unhygenic and butch. Don't get me wrong- I shower every day for work and I shower on the weekends if I go out. However, I didn't really go the extra mile...until today. The point of my post is that we should all these little things, these girly traditions that make us feel great and look great. Although it seems stupid and minute, I do think it makes a difference. It makes us feel put together and therefore act with confidence and sass.

Ok enough of this Cosmogirl of the Year shizzzzz. I'm gonna go apply some Lemon Lotion.

$aid I wasn't going to post but $L2 is being a bLoG hOg

2010-02-23T09:51:00.000-08:00

E-Harmz gave me an offer I can't refuse: 3 months for $90!!! ZING. Quick update from eH: Teenwolf has nudged me to speed up my responses. Wish he knew about my eH hiatus status until Saturday. I'm glad he is still keeping interest. The matches have slowed down which I am thankful for since I like to keep a clean Gmail inbox. Test day/eH signup day is a mere 4 days away!!!!

Talk to you later,
The ever so studious $L#5

$ingle lady #2 tries really hard to talk just the right amount

2010-02-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

I had a feeling that my C.Creme date was going to go well. After being put to sleep by my not-so-dreamboat-date on Friday night, I felt I paid my bad date dues. And I was right! The date was lovely. As a result, I find myself at a loss for what to write in this post. I can get down with ranting rage blackout posts where I complain and vent, but who wants to hear about how magical a date was? About how he loves to play golf, wear designer jeans, have brunch with his parents, go to church, drink and dance too much, gchat the day away and just be generally hilarious and adorable? See this post sucks already.

So I'll keep you updated on that, but let's move on to something else. What to do about Friday night date? By 11am Saturday morning I had a text that he 'had a great time and hopes we can do it again soon.' As this isn't really a direct invitation, I'm not sure what to do with it. There's nothing to decline or the need to make an excuse. If I agreed I'd just write back: "Me too" etc. etc. But I didn't. Here are some other responses that I've thought of, although I'm currently going the 'ignore' route:

Response #1: Actually, I was pretty bored to tears and am surprised you weren't as well. Were we on the same date?
Response #2: It was nice to meet you too but I don't see another date in our future.
Response #3: Sorry but I just met the Rice Crispy Treat of my dreams.
Response #4: I'm concerned that your busy schedule as a park ranger will not lend itself well to a relationship.

xoxo,
#2 taking over the blog again

$ingle lady #2: one weekend, two dates

2010-02-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

zzzzZZZzzzZZZZZ

Okay that's my update of the Pete date.

Crispin tonight. Let's hope I have more to say about this one.

-$L#2

UPDATE: After getting dressed I've been inspired to write a bit more. At some point over the last few years I decided to stop stressing out about what to wear when meeting a boy. If I own it, it should be acceptable. These are the clothes I wear, and to wear something else would be misleading. If a boy doesn't like what I wear on our first date, then he probably won't like what I wear on the second date, and so on. And clothes that make you look fat? I'm over that too. If you're not fat, you probably don't look fat. If you're fat, you might look fat. There are certain styles that look terrible on me, but again, those styles are probably not hanging in my closet. However I am a bigger fan of after-work-dates than these weekend dates, since I have approximately 500 work outfits, and like two casual shirts. Hmm would it be weird to meet someone for a drink on a Sunday in my favorite suit...

$ingle Lady #1 is limited by her options...

2010-02-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

I'm going to defend all the doods who have sent lame Final Messages to all the $ingle Ladies. I tried for the first time today to send one. I assumed it was like an email - free form communication, where I could rationally put forth my argument for why we should continue to pursue our budding computer relationship. Nope. Instead, you get 5 choices from which to select why you'd like them to reconsider, all sounding more desperate than the last.

"I have now posted my photo and when it is approved it will be available to you." (Translation: I've finally found a Google Image model that looks like a super hot version of me so you'll choose to meet me, and then can't be too pissed when my real face shows up instead)

"I have now completed all my Match Profile questions." (Translation: So you can know the answer to your burning question - what was the last book I read)

"Good luck with you search." (The safest, least desperate sounding, but really? what's the point.)

"I really felt we had potential. I'd like you to reconsider." (Barf.)

"I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am." (Please refer to $L#4's post below to see how ALL WOMEN would feel about receiving this response).

Slammed between a rock and a hard place, I selected option 4, vommed in my mouth a little, and hit send. For a site who boasts strong communication between its members, the choices are quite limited!

xo,
$L#1

$ingle Lady #4 - Welcome to eHarmony!

2010-02-20T10:58:00.000-08:00

So I joined. And thank god I did because I found out I was inadvertently communicating with some horrific matches and also a surprise "slampiece"! (this seems to be the word of choice to describe an attractive male).

After another long week at work, I came home on Friday night to sushi, wine and eHarmz. Hopefully, this thing will pick up soon so I no longer have to detail my Friday night as such. I was excited to finally see some of these matches! And the gazillion emails I have received since free communication weekend ended from eHarmz did not help my curiosity. My list of matches had reached a high of 40 or so, and I managed to whittle them to about 17 that are acceptable after last night. eHarmz has a funny sense of humor, pairing me with a "musician" where the majority of his pictures included professional portraits of him posing with a musical instrument (i.e. flute, viola). Another was a goth type, with longer hair than me. Clearly I didn't make my preferences clear enough. Then there were just the ones with the boring profiles and the even more boring pictures. I am currently engaged in communication with 9 men (internet dating $lut).

On to the slampiece! I initially judged him, as his name is 'Leo.' All I could think was a guido-type gorilla juicehead from the Jersey Shore. I progressed through communication with him to eHarmony email without even realizing until I found his message to me last night, entitled "Stephanieee." Cute. His profile seemed relatively normal, lives in Southie (young professional crowd), 26, finance consultant, good answers to his questions, detailed but not too detailed. However, upon further review this was the guy who mentioned his zodiac sign, so we may need to overlook that. But his profile picture is niiiice. His other pictures support the hotness of the first, however he does include a photo with him and another girl. I've noticed that this is a common theme with some of my matches. Like, is it going to potentially make me jealous that you are posing with other girls? Is this going to make me want to contact you faster just so I can reach you before someone else? I think not. Leo's questions to me were the standard ones from eHarmz, but he asked the most important question of all: Why did you join eHarmony? but I was honest and answered "Frankly, my friends and I are doing this as an experiment and we are writing a blog." (No worries, I did not provide web address). He found my answer to be funny I guess? He also shares my hatred of answering these generic questions about yourself. He asked me the basic "what do you do for a job" "where do you live" type questions along with some other cute lines tagged in there. I returned the message this morning so we will see how this one goes!

I received my first "Final Message" Thursday evening from Fred, 35. I closed him due to my age limitation rules. Also, his profile was nothing to be desired. He cannot live with out desserts and his keyboard (musical). He also enjoys ballroom dancing. His picture was also VERY blurry, like it was zoomed in and cropped too many times. He mentions in his profile that if you wanted to see another picture of him to request it....no thanks. So I closed him Thursday. Around midnight, my BlackBerry went off and I saw that I had a gmail from eHarmz:

At some point in the past you decided to close your match, Fred. Fred has taken advantage of an opportunity to send you this message:

I think if we met, you might have different feelings about who I am. AGGRESSIVE! Who said anything about meeting?! Let alone communicating?! I was thoroughly creeped out and decided that my new approach to closing matches is to say that I am "pursuing another relationship." This will hopefully limit the number of 'Final Messages' I receive from suitors.

And now, a recap of the matches!

Cary
- Can't live without: food? I don't wanna starve

Timothy
- Additional information Timothy wanted you to know: I'm not the best looking guy, and I've never really had a true relationship, but my friends honestly tell me that I'm a good listener, fun to talk to, very down to earth, and will one day make some lucky girl extremely happy. I know that sounds cliche, but I hope my friends are right and maybe that girl will be the girl of my dreams.
- One thing that only Timothy's best friends know is: I'm extremely emotional for a guy. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves but I am the type of guy that will almost be sobbing after watching Marley and Me or The Notebook, not to be cliche at all.

mrmongo (seriously this is your name?)
- Typically spends his leisure time: Going to the races. Riding sleds and quads and dirt bikes. Fighting Fires

Jason
- Additional information: If you are interested send me a message because i cannot see anyones pictures on the free trial Ghetto Harmony
- Occupation: Safety Specialist (WHAT is this?)

Patrick
- First thing people notice: That would have to be my sneakers because every time I meet someone new they're like, "Ooooh where did you get those?"

Michael
- 3 things thankful for:
· Realitive health (spelling? is this even a real word?)
· Friends and family cirlces (AGAIN the spelling)
· Athletic skill (Napoleon Dynamite?)

$ingle Lady #1 has found her perfect match on eHarmony...and he closed her

2010-02-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

The first thing people notice about Scott is:

when they finally come to their senses after being blown away by my hurricane of beauty, people probably do a double take to see if my looks are for real. Eventually they will of course figure out that I am awesome.

The last book Scott read and enjoyed:

I am currentty pacing myself through the Lorax by Dr. Seuss. I am particularly fond of the brown barbaloots in their barbaloot suits.

He is most thankful for his enthusiasm.

He is wearing seersucker in not one, but three of his photos.

He lists his location as "City that Never Sleeps, New York."

Other than his lack of attention to detail (note: "I am currentty" instead of "currently" is not a typo on my part. It's a direct copy/paste), he sounds right up my alley. Because there's no such thing as female dignity on eHarmony, I'm going to go ahead and slap down my "Send Final Message" card and call him out on it.

Potential date plans with lawyer for Weds, although now I know better than to tell people that so shhh. I've also procured a real AOL email address from him with which to now communicate. After all this back and forth he'd better at least be interesting...

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #2 is not adding you to her address book

2010-02-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

eH is making me realize that I'm obtaining a lot of phone numbers. I don't really want to add all of you to my phone. For example, Ben. Now I have this floater, Ben, who clearly is not going to call me again. What a waste of an entry. So, I'm meeting up with area code 231 (aka Pete) tonight for a drink. Until things progress, that's all he is to me.

Speaking of phone numbers, I gave mine to a cute boy last weekend (non-eH), but have not heard back. I think my convo with L will suffice:

me: im excited to go out tonight
L: me too i need to meet some more gents, i was pretty successful last friday
me: i met this kid who A works with?
L: none of them called, but i talked to like 10
me: he was so cute and got my #
L: oh yeah? name?
me: but then i wouldnt shut up about triathalons
L: hhahahaa
me: so i think he decided not to call... i mean he was training for one
and i was like, oh let me be less self-absorbed and talk about his interests
L: hahaha
me: but then i just was like running triathalons blah blah blah
and the KICKER was that bc of said tri he wasn't drinking
i certainly was
L: hahahaha

Sooo yeah I'm still pretty bad at this. Tonight I'm going to be a good listener, I swear.

-le deux

$ingle lady #2 debates subjects vs. direct objects, and existentialism?

2010-02-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's been brought to my attention that my opinion on picture captions is not correct. I am willing to hear others' opinions. Crispy Chicken Deluxe sent me an ELABORATE description of why "My sister and I" is indeed correct:

"As for your attempt at inciting a vicious grammatical debate, I think you're reaching there champ. Because I was responsible for the creation of that photo, am I not thus the subject of all constructs that result from it? If that were not the case, then we would always be 'me's,' due to the fact that we would be considered direct objects reliant upon our parents and their creation of us. Now we're entering into humanism and existentialism [$L#2]--dangerous territory."

Then a $ingled00d hopeful started a similar argument (in my defense he misspells sentence twice...):

D: fyi my sister and i - is correct

me: oh he sent me some long explanation of that but i still disagree

D: its pretty simple, if you were to finish that sentance it would be something like: my sister and i are here...me does not make sense

me: is the label the subject? i dont think of it that way

D: well its not a full sentance so its hard to argue about there being a true grammatical mistake there

me: yeah, i think you are right about that

D: i know I'm right

me: bc it could be "here is a picture of d, k and me"

The important part of this post is that Crisp was not put off by my argument, so he gets another point.

What position do my extremely grammatical friends (e.g. www.lifeneedsedits.com) hold on this debate?

<3 SL#2

$L#4 has gone MIA

2010-02-18T10:58:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the lack of posts this week, work has been taking over my life.

So free communication ended Monday evening. Similar to $L5, I made sure to send all communications/respond to questions in order to maximize and make the most of this free communication.

I reached eHarmz email status with Matt, but then immediately he aggressively threw out his FULL NAME, SCREEN NAME (who uses AIM anymore?), and told me to request his friendship on facebook. WHOA. Perhaps another eager beaver like Wesley? Anyways, I replied very cooly that I don't really use AIM and that he conveniently managed to privatize his search settings on facebook like everyone else (obviously providing me with your last name gives me free reign to attempt to stalk you on facebook). However, I quickly realized that this match was clever, so once I told him I couldn't find him on FB, he suggested I give him my name so he could friend me. Sneak attack. Mind you, this all happened within a matter of minutes. He must have been really desperate, because before I could respond again he threw out his PHONE NUMBER in another message. After this I was beyond overwhelmed. And conveniently free communication ended that night, so he will just have to be left hanging.

I have subseuqently received the nagging emails from eHarmz, "Find out if Jon is the right match for you!" I just actually received SIX separate emails from eHarmz alone in the last 10 minutes introducing me to new matches, trying to entice me to sign up. I really think I eventually will sign up, I left free communication feeling unfulfilled and not really getting anything out of it. So I'm officially going to give it a go (tomorrow is pay day) and pay the $120 to see what happens. They must really want to sign me up, the newest matches as of this morning are really scraping the bottom of the barrel, with matche ranging from 21 (my BROTHER's age) to 35 (NO).

More to come this weekend after I am officially a signed-on member of eHarmz!

xo,

$L 4

Reason eHarmz is Fantastic...

2010-02-17T20:52:00.001-08:00

This is the ad I was served today. Gotta love Jazzercise making a comeback.

I've been advised by my lawyer, who will be played by a dark-haired George Clooney in my Life Movie, to change names to protect the innocent. Or guilty. Whichever. Thoughts?

$ingle lady #5 is out of commission for the next week

2010-02-17T19:49:00.000-08:00

So I haven't paid my eHarm dues but can still see new matches, brief summaries of my suitors and receive communication requests. It has been 3 days since I have had this tease of a version of eH. I'll admit, part of me wants to pay, see some faces, and continue finding my soul mate.

So here is my status: Monday night was my last chance to communicate. I quickly responded to all open communications I had with the fellas. I sent Teen Wolf my must haves/cant stands. I went over the remaining matches that had not requested communication. Out of the 10 or so, I chose one I was going to proactively send an icebreaker too. (Call me old fashion, but I wait for the boys to seek me). My choice was Billy a 26 year old MED student. Mom and Dad always wanted me to marry a doctor!!! He hasn't responded yet :( On Monday, I received communication requests along with responses from previous matches. AARON decided he wanted to accelerate things and go straight to e-mailing. I'm weary since I have no idea what he looks like (i'm shallow. sue me.) Tuesday morning, at 7:15 am Teen Wolf sent me his must haves/ can't stands. BUT ALAS, do to my unpaid status, I couldn't see his responses. Wednesday, I got another round of matches... A couple Jims... automatic close, and some others...

So IDK, I'm getting kind of bored with eH and am STILL pondering officially signing up. I am developing a level 3 crush on my work buddy. (Level 3 is you smile when you see them and want to know more little facts about him. It isn't a hardcore level 5 type crush because you don't start choosing cute outfits in the hopes you'd see him that day.) Today I learned WB (work buddy) is catholic ZING, and LOVES meat. As it is Ash Wednesday today, we Caths had to abstain from meat. WB gave himself a pat on the back for not having meat today since he hearts it. I'm not sure if my crush is real though. Since my work environment is biz profesh, he has to wear a suit. This automatically makes him really cute. I also am on the fence about joining due to this pressing responsibility of studying like WHOA for my upcoming CPA exam. I'm taking it February 26 (WISH ME LUCK!). For those that know me, you know I'm a horrible test taker, it has taken me awhile to pass these SOB's and I'm pretty much set on taking/passing all 4 sections. Giving up just isn't an option. So I am focusing on that for the next week and half. Then I will resume my online dating/blogging. My BFF's seriously asked me if I wanted 3 months of eH as my birthday present. I laughed for a good 5 minutes because I seemed like this poor, no friends in the new city, charity case... Ty from Clueless if you will... (Is it too soon to mention Brittany Murphs?) I may take them up on this offer though. THen I can spend the $120 on this new J.Crew dress I have been eying for any future dates! As you can see this last paragraph is just my thoughts running 100 mph which is my cue to bounce and study!!!

Until February 27,

Senorita Cinco

$ingle lady #2 - the funny boys come out to play!

2010-02-17T10:02:00.000-08:00

Great news, Cookie Crisp and I are in love. I'm not sure if he knows it yet, but I think he does. I mean, he ALSO hates grammar mistakes, citing a Harvard lawyer for a father and English major mother. THEN he goes on to give an example of a grammar error he received just yesterday that said "Just ask for Jim or I when you get there." Picturing his cute little face just steaming over this egregious error makes me smile. But, enter dilemma: Crispin has the SAME error in his eH profile, as he has captioned a picture with "My sister and I." What do I do? Let it go, or start a friendly grammar debate? I was really trying to change, after what happened with LB and my unfortunate inability to be nice, and with Ben and my unfortunate inability to shut up. I probably should have gone with a flirty response, NOT pointing out that he had committed the faux pas of which he just accused "I" of the "Jim or I" combo. But if you know me, you know I told him. If I didn't it would just stew inside of me and on our first meeting at Clydes I'd be all "Hi it's so nice to meet you, now I've been DYING to talk to you in person about those picture captions..."

Anyway, I'm pretty sure Waffle Crisp can handle it. We have exactly everything in common. He LOVES Bill O'Reilly - I love Bill O'Reilly! He wants to build a golf course - me too! He wants to own a professional sports team - what are the odds?! (Okay I just want to do that so they have to let me be a cheerleader, but whatever.)

Oh yes, the title of this post. Pete is funny too. Pete has asked me to go for a drink this weekend. Good work, Pete. An example of his funny-ness: "Enforcing the law, it is a real hoot. In my current position I pretty much do three things; 1) Wear a uniform that makes me look like I should be tried for war crimes at The Hague. 2) Wear mirrored aviator sunglasses, no matter the weather or the time of day. 3) Keep it real." Anyone who uses the term "hoot" is A-okay in my book.

L8r,
$L#2

PS hahah Wesley really gets around!

PPS I must share this quote from a real eHarmony profile in the "most thankful" section: "I am thankful for going to Penn State and getting a rally good education." Closed.

$ingle Lady #1: Its a $mall world afterall...

2010-02-17T06:43:00.000-08:00

Ahh Valentine's Day. The day of love, roses, chocolates, and romance. Naturally, its the worst enemy of a $ingle Lady, given her current status, and matchmaking sites like eHarmz prey on us while we're weak. Don't worry ladiez, I too was had by the promise of eternal love without even leaving my living room.

This Free Communication Weekend spawned a few new $ingle Ladies, both those who choose to share the experience with you here and those secret private people who want to give it a test run on their own.

Friend S (another nyc-ian) is one such person, who joined eHarmz and put in her profile that this was expiration dating so por favor no dilly dallying with those Must Haves. She called yesterday to say she had a date! Excitement turned to serious jealousy that it took me 10 weeks to even secure a real date and then couldn't even keep it. Then she said his name. Wesley. Sound familiar? It should, for he was also one of my early promised eternal loves. Ever the eager beaver (still) he had fast tracked her so quickly her head was spinning.

She didn't go. Not a match made in heaven, and now alas, Free Comm Weekend has come to a close. Coming soon: for more on the story, check out http://guidetobeingawesome.wordpress.com/

Update: in a moment of boldness I don't usually experience with men, I emailed Chris yesterday. Fear not, it wasn't a sobbing, whiny wwwhhhhyyyy??? (though seriously tempting)... He replied shortly after that he never got my confirmation email so he didn't think we were on for yesterday. Suspicious, but he has no reason to lie to me so I suppose I'll take up his offer for an early next week date.

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #2 wants to snack on Crispix

2010-02-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

Crispin's answers to my questions require NO EXPLANATION. He is the winner:

What is your favorite Christmas movie and why?I'm very tempted to say Bad Santa, but I really don't think that counts as a Christmas movie. I do, however, have a soft spot for Home Alone, and an even softer spot for TBS who finds it in their hearts to miraculously play it every 3 weeks. I love it because: 1) I thought it was absolutely hysterical at the ripe age of 8 (or whenver it was released) and continue to use the line "Buzz your girlfriend... Woof" at every chance I can get 2) It trained me in case of the unlikely event that my house was besieged when I, too, was home alone 3) I am obsessed with my family (I love them to death) and think it's your typical feel-good story. You know, kid doesn't know just how good he's got it until it's almost too late? If my family vanished, I'd freak out
Tell me about a word that you have invented or changed the meaning of. Define and use in a sentence.I've tried to coin the phrase "Tater-totally" for months now (pr. tay-ter-tah-tuh-lee). It's a combination of tater tots and totally, and for some reason I thought it was completely genius. Nobody else does, though, and I've had a really tough time spreading the good word. Or bad word in this case. Ex. in sentence: "You're going to the mall today? Gosh, I'd tater-TOTally love to go with you!" My more successful words that I've created include Rapterrific (Raptor, Terrific), T-Rexcellent (I trust you can guess that one), Spandexcellent, and many more. I'm a bit of a wordsmith.
$wEEt DrEaMz!$L#2

$ingle lady #2 on $erial daters

2010-02-15T14:22:00.001-08:00

Ah Valentine's Day engagements. I won't hate on them, because I'm pretty sure every girl says she doesn't want to get engaged on Valentine's Day/Christmas/birthday/Arbor Day until it happens to her and then it was OMG SOO perfect!! A girl with whom the $ingle ladies went to college got engaged yesterday, and I'm pretty sure she's had no less than 7 boyfriends she was definitely going to marry. What's the deal with these girls, and how do they always hook a new one so fast? The concept of serial dating doesn't baffle me (it makes sense that you're used to spending lots of time with someone), but the concept of finding one man after another who wants to be in a super-serious relationship, does.

Also, to my dismay, posting my address on my eH profile did not result in any bouquets of roses coming my way. I promptly took it down anyway because I thought it might give any post-V-day suitors the wrong idea. I have a new match named CRISPIN. I was so ready to make fun of him and close him, but he seems kinda great. He's 6'4" with blue eyes and admits in his profile that he'd like to become a billionaire by combining his love of sports, politics and religion. I'm down with that. We're progressing quickly through guided comm. so we'll see what happens. I've already developed a slew of nicknames for when we're in love, including Crispin Cremes.

$ingle Lady #1...is being stood up?

2010-02-15T07:46:00.000-08:00

How do $ingle Ladies celebrate Valentine's Day? One word - Sangria. Or three words, and add Burgers. MacNCheese.

Flashback to last week. I was in sunny Mexico with my parents and grandparents, enjoying the sun and being the darling of the trainers in the gym (yes, I took my cute workout clothes, and yes, I actually used them!) and the waiters by the pool. My mom, ever sensitive, told me I should go to one of those dolphin adventures where you sit in a tank while they swim around you and at the end, they take a photo of the dolphin "kissing" you and sell it to you for a ridiculous price. Her reason - because it would be the only mammal I'd kiss all week. Thanks Mom. 75% of the people at the resort were pushing 80. The other 25% were 30-something parents and their small children. Our last day a cutie in the range of 17 boldly smiled and said hello as I walked to lunch with my parents. My mom said he ran into a hedge when I smirked and waved back. In his defense, I had big sunglasses on so he couldn't see my crows feet.

Emboldened by my week of relaxation, I emailed Chris, lawyer to try to finally set up a date. He replied almost immediately and we set up lunch for today. He asked me what neighborhood was convenient, and on Friday, I replied anywhere midtown or south so I could head to the office afterwards. My assumption was that he would respond, probably yesterday, with a location and time. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It's 11:10 and come on, I like spontaneity but truthfully I haven't even showered yet and he should know that it takes at least 30 minutes to get anywhere in Manhattan.

Now I'm That Girl, who's sitting on her computer watching Private Practice hitting refresh on my email (the modern day "sitting by the phone" waiting for him to call), hoping to get that elusive eHarmony email "You've received communication from..."

<3,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle Lady #5 - Getting Lazy

2010-02-15T07:38:00.000-08:00

I am overwelmed with eH. There are less than 24 hours left in free communication weekend and I haven't found the man of my dreams. Here are some highlights from my search:

Tom 26 from Chicago- He is a CPA and is inspired by the 80's flick Teen Wolf. I'm in love. We've been communicating via eHarmz' questionnaires but neither of us have taken it to the next step.

Tom 35 from Niles- I closed this match due to our age difference; eharmz asks why you are closing this match... I usually choose "other" but this time I chose the age diff. This morning I received a message from Tom saying, "age isn't anthing but a number. good luck with your search." Shoot, I'm being too picky.

Michael 30 from Chicago- He is an attorney. Loves his dog- only lady in his life. He enjoys running. This one could have potential. He sounds ambitious and financially sound. I can deal with his love for dogs. I LOVE when people LOVE their dogs. and I enjoy running too...I sent my responses to his questions and have yet to hear his responses to mine. Fingers crossed.

In other news outside of the eHarmz realm, one of the (cute) external auditors I work with popped in my office, asked standard work question then asked about my weekend. I was hoping he would just end all of this, ask me to lunch, and I could avoid the whole eHarmony biz. But sigh, he was just killing time before his monday morning meeting with my boss. The whole time he spoke I couldn't help but wonder if he was on eH and noticed I was on it since my name isn't pretty traditional. I'm probably being paranoid.

So since work blocks eH, I can't keep up correspondence with my suitors. I'll have to do some mad eH'ing when I get home. In the meantime, I'll be deciding whether or not I will pay the money and add faces to names.

Hoping these boyz aren't WOOF,
SL5

$ingle lady #4 - No one said this was going to be easy

2010-02-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

I have come to realize the harsh realities of participating in this free communication weekend for eH.

1. THIS IS REALLY HARD. there is always an influx of emails from "userservices" in my gmail inbox saying that Joe, Andrew, Matthew (the list goes on) is a new match for you! or communication received!

2. there is alot of pressure to keep up with all my new matches/communications since I have until tomorrow to decide if i want to pay to join. as the other $ingle ladies have mentioned, it is almost like a full time job. and especially since there is a deadline now.

I've also learned something about myself through this. I'm typically a person that doesn't really put myself out there trying to pick up guys. If it happens or if they make the first move then I'm usually good with that. But I don't engage in such behavior as trying to have my friends pawn me off on complete strangers at a bar (this happened last evening at the bar to my friend). But this whole process is only going to work if I do put myself out there. I'm keeping an open mind (in most cases) and answering questions and responding. I even got brave enough today to send my list of questions to 2 matches. I also received my first icebreaker yesterday? I mean I can't really be judgmental when I'm reading about these people on paper. I'm not saying I'm going to settle, but I also really can't be picky at this point either.

I also realized that my profile was very vague and probably disinteresting to my matches. I mean, I did have only a 37% completion rate on my profile. I logged some eH time this morning, as it is Valentine's Day. And nothing says a fulfilling V-day like internet dating and communication.

I have closed some of my matches due to age (33 is just too up there for me). I really enjoy the list of excuses I can use, and I've been honest with the 33 year olds, your age really IS an issue.

I got my first shut down yesterday, I have been closed by Joshua because is "pursuing another relationship." I mean, I didn't even view his profile? And my profile isn't anything offensive nor was I trying to pursue him. Whatev, hope that works out for you.

I got my first real gem of a match yesterday, Anthony. First strike, he lived too far into the reaches of the Boston suburbs for my taste. Second strike, occupation? truck driver. Third strike, age? 33. AND the kicker, already has 2 kids. GOODBYE. (Also, he only drinks a few times a year, which may interfere with my weekend nights out or mid-week drinking urges due to tax season).

Another pet peeve I have realized about some of my matches is that they purposely withhold information so you absolutely HAVE to communicate with them. "if you want to know more about me just ask!! :) :)" I should not feel like I have to be cajoled into communicating with you just to find out later that you are creepy and just didnt have the balls to post it to eHarm.

To conclude, your last (and most influential and life changing) book should never be "The Abs Diet."

I've progressed to sending my must haves/dislikes to several of the matches, so we will see what will come of those.

Best Valentine's Day card, ever

2010-02-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

$ingle lady #2's friends know her too well...check out this V-Day card that is off the meat rack:

Love is in the air!

$L#2

$iNgLe LaDy #5 (we gotz another one!)

2010-02-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

Hello Readers!

I am $ingle Lady numero cinco. After seeing an email from eHarmony informing me of free communication, I took it as a sign to enter the dating world. Also, as I informed $L #2, being $L #5 had such a lovely ring to it and I could milk various phrases including the number five in my witty posts. Thus, when I saw there was a new SL, I jumped on my chance at becoming #5.

So here is a little about myself: I went to college in the south and moved to Washington D.C. where I spent 3 lovely years working at one of the big 4 accounting firms. I like to call this period of my life College II. I still got ridiculously blacked out, while maintaing a healthy balance of work and play. However, going out in big groups that include male friends that like to dance with you only to attract their own $ingle lady, while getting crushed to the point where full sentences can not be formed doesn't quite attract potential boyfriends. However, after 3 years, I decided to move back to my home turf- CHICAGO where most of my family and high school friends still reside.

To my dismay, a lot has changed since highschool and I could no longer rely on my high school BFFs to go the bars and go where the night took us. With significant others and other responsibilities such as obtaining a law degree and teaching high school teens, it appeared I was flying solo and no longer had my partners in crime. That being said, I'm investing my time in finding a boyfriend/potential husband???? Ok I won't get ahead of myself. I guess I just need someone to hangout with and since I already have a sister/mother who hang out and shop with me, I might as well find someone I can hang out and makeout with at the same time... ENTER eHarmz.

Tonight I will create my profile and begin a weekend of communication with potential suitors. LeT tHe GaMe$ begin!

Yours Truely,

$iNgLe LaDy 5

NEW $ingle lady on the block

2010-02-12T05:56:00.000-08:00

hello blog world. i guess i am the newest $ingle lady, as i have just completed the online eH survey. being alone in a hotel room for 6 nights may do it, or being in rural toronto, but after a stressful day at work, the free communication weekend commercial caught my attention. i have been avidly keeping up with the other $ingle ladies, and after breaking up with a boyfriend last year and not having much success in the dating world as of late, i wanted to join the experiment.

a little about me, i hail from the north, went to college in the south, and currently work as an accountant (thrilling bar pick-up, NOT). my recent dates have occurred after an all-day flip cup tournament, after an all day drinking fest, the trend continues.... i guess i just want some normalcy or perhaps a boy(friend) out of all of this. i guess i am mostly just curious to see what happens. this probably isnt the best time of year for me to be testing this all out, as it is tax season, but recent events have pointed me towards trying it out.

this eHarmony survey was hilarious by the way.

"how do you rate your personal sexiness?"
-i.e. are you really willing to admit that you are hot?

"do you regularly read the side effect of medication that you take?"

- i.e. are you taking crazy pills and thats why you joined this site? slash, are you on birth control? just in case i want to take this online dating to the next level with you

to my surprise i immediately had 7 matches! we have Judd (obviously the unique name out of the bunch), joe, brian, andrew, charles, leo (?), and nick. i read through a few of the profiles and they seem to be relatively normal thus far. even one accountant! possibly to share my love of debits and credits. and all within the city, like $ingle lady #1 i tend to discriminate based on geography. and i do not want a geographically challenged match.

i realized some immediate profile turn-offs:

- excessive exclamation points!!!!

- smiley faces :) :)

- words that do not exist "niceness" "smartness"

- people who probably give themselves more credit than they deserve "what do you wish people noticed more about you? - my big heart" "the man behind the mask" - what does this even mean??

- please do not include your zodiac sign. i do not care, nor do i know what it even means

- your life quote should never be "if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade." speaks VOLUMES right there.

- bad spelling. enough said.

Brian however had my favorite responses, and most unique thus far. Here is a brief summary...

- he is thankful for Phosphorescence. um what.

- he wishes that people would notice that his middle toe is longer than his big toe. again, what.

- he cannot live without the following:

My ficus tree.

Black socks.

My brother's highschool track jacket.

My serape.

My can of Florida Sunshine.

me too, totally.

- in his leisure time, Brian likes to lollygag.

- only brian's friends know that he drinks apple cider vinegar before he goes to bed

i managed to catch the free communication weekend on day #1 so we will see what the rest of this weekend holds and if it is worth forking over the money to fully participate in this grand experiment. more to come from the newest single lady hopefully...

$ingle lady #2: College is over, grow up

2010-02-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

GUYS ARE FREAKS.

Guys who went to little private colleges, swarming with good-looking people ready to make out the drop of a hat, have much to learn. My college was like this as well, and everyone used to joke that no one dated there. People would drunkenly get together at parties, and somehow this morphed into hanging out sober, and eventually you were in a Facebook relationship. But there were never, ever, dates, unless you counted traveling hungover to the dining hall together.

A few months ago I met a boy from a college like this on whom I had a tiny crush. I discovered pretty quickly that we were destined to be only friends, as he had just broken up with someone of 6 years from college who I can only assume became girlfriend status through the method described above. He didn't want a girlfriend, and that was fine with me - friends we would be. We text occasionally, email here and there, see each other at parties, and that's it.

Last night circa 1am he says to me via text:

Him:What are you doing tomorrow night? I have tickets to a Kennedy center event if you want to go. This is not a date. Just friends.
Him: If you act weird invite is revoked.
Me: (awaking from slumber, not realizing the rudeness of said text) what time?
Him: Seven. NO WEIRDNESS.

Dude, WTF are you talking about? You are a freak, and the only person acting weird. I do not bother you, or try to date you. You are not that awesome. You know that I go on actual dates with other people (which he likes to ask me about). YOU invited ME. Get over yourself. One day you might have to actually take a girl on a date, and I promise you will not burst into flames. WOOF.

I informed him that despite his super-nice invitation, I'd have to pass.

$ingle lady #2 meets Arthur (seriously?)

2010-02-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

Usually I just breeze through the "must haves and can't stands" portion of guided communication, but if I were to take it seriously, there are a lot of things that would probably be deal breakers. Here are some of Arthur's (I was prepared to close him based on the name alone, but he's kinda cute...):

Must Haves:

Personal Habits... I must have a partner who maintains high standards of personal hygiene, orderliness, and other personal habits. [Maybe not during a snowstorm...]
Relaxed... I must have a partner who is able to forget about money and focus on the important parts of life. [Wait, money is the most important thing in life...]
Attractiveness... I must have a partner who is considered "very attractive" by most current standards. [Clearly.]
Staying In... I must have a partner who mainly enjoys staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends. [That's cool, I can usually find a quiet corner at Rumors.]

Can't Stands:

Fiscally Irresponsible... I can't stand someone who is incapable of managing their money. [I only buy Bloomingdales' must haves.]
Lazy... I can't stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a "couch potato." [But what if there is a Jersey Shore marathon on??]
Flirts... I can't stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex. [Define 'constantly'...]

I'm pretty sure we're MFEO.

xo,
$L#2