Contrary to the experiences of $L#dos, internet dating is a sober business. Most of my eHarmonizing is done at 10 pm curled up in my pjs while watching Grey’s Anatomy. Granted, most “dates” happen at bars, and particularly post-happy-hour-impromptu dates are likely to have an element of enzyme-processing-liver overdrive, but most of the get-to-know-you process is done without a drop. This leads to an interesting boredom conundrum. Everything is preprocessed, so no one has to be original.
Bar dating, and more specifically bar meeting, is much more exciting. Maybe it’s just me, but typically I end up with a fantastic story of meeting guys in bars. Disclaimer: I’m a bar prancer. I pretty much believe that it is everyone in the bar’s job to entertain me, willing or not. I will always, always, ask the bartender to teach me a new trick. I am exceptionally good at slicing a crisped dollar bill stacked with four quarters off the mouth of an empty beer bottle so that the quarters fall, still stacked, on top of it. Try it, it’s pretty hard. I will also always, always dance. In NYC, bars actually have to have a Permit to Dance to allow it, so I have thus been kicked out of bars before for such ghastly behavior. I also always, always make besties with the creepy old guys sitting in the corner. They’re regulars, and therefore are the kings of the bar and their power must be respected.
Case in point, for a bit of time when I was young and still enjoyed Thursday nights as a weekend, I used to frequent a certain Mexican bar in midtown which served $3 margaritas on Thursday nights. One night there at happy hour, I was demonstrating my strut (side bar: I strut. Not on purpose, it’s just how my hips go. It’s not a particularly sexy thing – I do it walking to the printer—it’s just a weird physical trait), and the bartender started mimicking me. We chatted a lot and my friends and I all got free drinks for the rest of the night. The following week, we were back, he was there; we chatted, drank for free, and after he got off work, ended up walking around the corner to grab a burger at like 2 am. Turns out he was 34 (I was…not), and made a wildly successful career taking jello shots off of girls’ belly buttons. We casually hung out for a few more weeks until he up and moved to Africa to become a documentary film maker.
Case in point two is a more relevant adventure. A month or so ago, I was actually leaving a bar (sadly, none the wiser with any new tricks), and was just getting in a cab when a tall and attractive man said, “Wait, come have a drink with me!” Completely befuddled, I looked around at who he could possibly be talking to, and he repeated the question. I must have looked appropriately wary for a $ingle girl alone on a street corner, because he then added “come on, there’s a great Italian wine bar right here, let’s just have one drink.” Eh, why not – only in New York does this story not end with me cut up in pieces in a gutter somewhere. Super excited about my bold move accepting such a last minute date offer, I order my glass of Pinot Grigio and wait for him to place his order. Alas, it wasn’t a real date invite, for he was actually the host of the restaurant, outside drumming up new business. After a quick high five for how well he managed to bamboozle me, I decided to stay, and in fact, order a full Italian meal by myself at the bar – think bread, dipping sauce, wine, pasta-- the whole nine yards. When I’m through, I pay and get up to leave, only to have him ask me to stay until he got off work so he could take me on a proper date. The phrase, "fool me once, shame on you…”starts formulating in my head and I politely decline, to which he replies by bringing me a rose. Feeling a little gutsy, I fling it back towards him and announce that a single rose isn’t good enough- I won’t even consider his proposal for less than a dozen. He complies, and we end up going to play chess at a bar around the corner until late into the night. This happened months ago you say, and isn’t relevant, liar. Yet strangely, we’re back in touch, and I will likely meet him for a drink within the week. He must have sniffed out that I’m looking to date…
xo,
$L#1
Friday, January 22, 2010
$ingle lady #2: The games we play
I want my friend F to become $ingleD00d#1. This conversation gives a nice glimpse into his dating style:
F: ok so this semi blind date…i decided nothing is blind anymore cause of facebook
me: good point, go on
F: anyway so we went out and it was really good, i think we were at the place for 5 hours
me: nice…so when was that
F: umm last tuesday
me: 2nd date?
F: i kind of went cold, mostly on purpose
me: ah…on purpose like you didnt want to see her again
F: nah just cause i was being chachy
me: ooh…so even if you like her you go cold for 1+ week?
F: well it was tuesday
me: zoinks i would not do that
F: i mean most girls wouldnt
F: was i expecting it
me: haha
F: so i was just like ill just kind of wait
me: i thought my date was good last night
F: if she didnt text last weekend i would have called or texted her...go on
me: and i thought afterwards "gosh I hope he doesnt text me 'nice meeting you' or some shit" because then i'd have to stop liking him
F: yeah i mean we were kind of drunk by the end of the night and honestly it was an awesome date
me: well you cant like her that much
F: i dont
F: ok so this semi blind date…i decided nothing is blind anymore cause of facebook
me: good point, go on
F: anyway so we went out and it was really good, i think we were at the place for 5 hours
me: nice…so when was that
F: umm last tuesday
me: 2nd date?
F: i kind of went cold, mostly on purpose
me: ah…on purpose like you didnt want to see her again
F: nah just cause i was being chachy
me: ooh…so even if you like her you go cold for 1+ week?
F: well it was tuesday
me: zoinks i would not do that
F: i mean most girls wouldnt
F: was i expecting it
me: haha
F: so i was just like ill just kind of wait
me: i thought my date was good last night
F: if she didnt text last weekend i would have called or texted her...go on
me: and i thought afterwards "gosh I hope he doesnt text me 'nice meeting you' or some shit" because then i'd have to stop liking him
F: yeah i mean we were kind of drunk by the end of the night and honestly it was an awesome date
me: well you cant like her that much
F: i dont
$ingle lady #2's first big girl date
So much to discuss today, I don't know where to begin. This blog is going to be helpful because when I signed into gchat this morning (at the crack of 10am when I arrived at work), I had 5 chats immediately, asking: "Soooo???" "How was the date?" "How'd it go?"...you get the picture. From now on, I'm just going to reply: read the blog. So, here we go.
1. The Ben Date (TBD): TBD went very well, partly because I wasn't blottoed before it began (blottoed is a great synonym for drunk, brought to you by my bff E's dad, if you don't currently use it). B had suggested we go to Georgetown because it would be the best place to avoid the "who's going to cross the river drama." If you live in the DC area you know this is a great way to describe the eternal DC/Arlington struggle. I actually ran into B before we got into the restaurant, as we parked our cars near each other. We talked by the bar for about two hours (he had three beers and I had two, in hopes of tricking him into thinking I'm not an alcoholic). If I had to rate the awkwardness of the conversation on a scale of 1 to being stuck in a room with the IT guy at work, I'd give it a solid 2. He wasn't quite as Slampiece in person (I think he stacked his profile with tan summer shots), but still good looking and I could tell some rippling biceps were hidden under his button-down. He paid for our 5 beers and offered to walk me the extra 50 steps to my car. Good work. I have lots of good tidbits I learned about eH on our date, but I will save them for my next post.
2. The Steve Situation (TSS...hehe): I thought that TSS may be over following my drunken triple date with him, but he was not deterred. Some 20 minutes ago I recieved a text saying, he had fun the other night (fo realz?) and what am I up to this weekend. Yipes.
3. Lobby boy (LB): LB bought my excuse that I went home for my sister's bday a day early and we will reschedule for next week. He sent me several run-on text messages (literally stream of conciousness texting) that left me dreaming of a comma. But looks like we're on for Wed. of next week and "he hears CPK is great on Wednesdays." I can't make this shit up.
Two dates in the books. $L#1 and #3 better get serious.
-le deux
1. The Ben Date (TBD): TBD went very well, partly because I wasn't blottoed before it began (blottoed is a great synonym for drunk, brought to you by my bff E's dad, if you don't currently use it). B had suggested we go to Georgetown because it would be the best place to avoid the "who's going to cross the river drama." If you live in the DC area you know this is a great way to describe the eternal DC/Arlington struggle. I actually ran into B before we got into the restaurant, as we parked our cars near each other. We talked by the bar for about two hours (he had three beers and I had two, in hopes of tricking him into thinking I'm not an alcoholic). If I had to rate the awkwardness of the conversation on a scale of 1 to being stuck in a room with the IT guy at work, I'd give it a solid 2. He wasn't quite as Slampiece in person (I think he stacked his profile with tan summer shots), but still good looking and I could tell some rippling biceps were hidden under his button-down. He paid for our 5 beers and offered to walk me the extra 50 steps to my car. Good work. I have lots of good tidbits I learned about eH on our date, but I will save them for my next post.
2. The Steve Situation (TSS...hehe): I thought that TSS may be over following my drunken triple date with him, but he was not deterred. Some 20 minutes ago I recieved a text saying, he had fun the other night (fo realz?) and what am I up to this weekend. Yipes.
3. Lobby boy (LB): LB bought my excuse that I went home for my sister's bday a day early and we will reschedule for next week. He sent me several run-on text messages (literally stream of conciousness texting) that left me dreaming of a comma. But looks like we're on for Wed. of next week and "he hears CPK is great on Wednesdays." I can't make this shit up.
Two dates in the books. $L#1 and #3 better get serious.
-le deux
Thursday, January 21, 2010
$ingle Lady #1: Reality vs. Reality vs. Reality: Where does real end and reality begin?
Reality TV changed the way we view television. Scripted dramas, comedies, and even “reality” game shows have a hero, a heroine, and a villain. The storyline has a beginning, a development, and an end - usually, a happy, or at least successful one. Reality TV, in its latest and greatest evolved version, just highlights the mundane, pointless activities of “normal” people’s lives. Big Brother literally watched people sit on the couch. There was an Animal Planet show that filmed cats “living” in a storefront in NYC. Somehow, someway, reality TV always evolves to be more like scripted drama, as the public comes to expect the stars to behave a certain way. The Hills started out as “reality,” until they got famous and had to start scripting Normal Young Adult Behavior or the American public would stop relating. Delightfully, Jersey Shore seems to be able to avoid this. Their cast members gained almost immediate notoriety, apparently, even during the filming of Season One back in July/August, a rare feat for R-TV. People would see the cameras and yell malicious things towards the cast members, usually involving a barely coherent version of “go back to Jersey!” (Newsflash Haters: Seaside IS in Jersey”. Instead of changing the format to avoid the hooligans, MTV embraced them. The cameras dash after Ronnie like a scene from the Blair Witch Project, usually just missing the crushing blow and only capturing the poor, unconscious loser on the floor of the Boardwalk. The duck phone rings. Ronnie just got in a fight on the Boardwalk! Note: “fight” = 15 seconds of rugby-“snuggle”-style clutching each other with an occasionally misplaced punch. Holy bananas Batman! Pauly D’s shoes are magically already sitting by his feet, tongues depressed, laces untied, ready to slip on at a moment’s notice. The Situation doesn’t appear to bother to put shoes on at all. In a flash, they’re dashing off down the street to get in on the action. Thanks to MTV’s genius marketing execs staring Controversy in the face and inviting it to Sunday tea, all of America watches, riveted, every Thursday night. These people can’t possibly be like this in “real” life. Nobody lives like this!
Thanks to US Weekly and Rolling Stone magazine I can confirm that they are. Yesterday I had lunch with the entire cast. Pauly D actually fist-pumped during his introduction. The moderator never referred to the individuals in the couple, choosing instead an inferior Brangelina-style “RonnieandSammi.” The Situation’s face was lit up like a jack-o-lantern. Snooki gave a live demonstration of how to rock the “pouf.” (In case you haven’t heard, she invented it- not generations of women putting their makeup on) JWoww apparently started a fight in LAX prior to catching the red-eye back to New York. Who fights before a red-eye? Reality TV didn’t change the way we watch television. Reality TV changed the way we define reality.
On the eHarmony login page there’s a quote from “Theresa,” saying “I felt like I tried everything. Bars, clubs, all that stuff. Finding eHarmony felt like a new beginning. Now a real relationship seems possible.” Apparently, this is reality dating. And apparently, it’s real.
Time to take this puppy into the realm of real reality. Bring on the dates!
Reality is real. Pass it on.
Thanks to US Weekly and Rolling Stone magazine I can confirm that they are. Yesterday I had lunch with the entire cast. Pauly D actually fist-pumped during his introduction. The moderator never referred to the individuals in the couple, choosing instead an inferior Brangelina-style “RonnieandSammi.” The Situation’s face was lit up like a jack-o-lantern. Snooki gave a live demonstration of how to rock the “pouf.” (In case you haven’t heard, she invented it- not generations of women putting their makeup on) JWoww apparently started a fight in LAX prior to catching the red-eye back to New York. Who fights before a red-eye? Reality TV didn’t change the way we watch television. Reality TV changed the way we define reality.
On the eHarmony login page there’s a quote from “Theresa,” saying “I felt like I tried everything. Bars, clubs, all that stuff. Finding eHarmony felt like a new beginning. Now a real relationship seems possible.” Apparently, this is reality dating. And apparently, it’s real.
Time to take this puppy into the realm of real reality. Bring on the dates!
Reality is real. Pass it on.
$ingle lady #2 - How to pregame for your date
It’s official – I have one eHarmony date under my belt. It also happened to be completely impromptu. I also happened to have 4 rum and diet cokes before it started, and I also happened to have another guy with me on the date. I’ll elaborate:
Steve sent a text saying that he had just gotten out of work, and could we get drinks tomorrow? Well considering I am already double-booked with Ben and lobby boy for tonight, that simply would not do. So I said, I am at happy hour right now if you’d like to join, and he did. I was with my friends K and R, but Steve took a while and by the time he arrived, I had been at happy hour for three hours. Wooops. And K left when he arrived, leaving me with my first eH date and R along as the third wheel - I hope he had fun. I guess it went fine but I’m sure I talked too much (rum and diets have that effect on me), and today I’m sporting a killer headache.
On to tonight’s date! Ben and I will be meeting at 8pm, so I wore one of my best ‘sexual professional’ outfits to work today. I’m currently crafting my get-out-of-CPK-with-lobby-boy text; hopefully he will understand that Ben is cuter and for the blog, eH dates have to take precedence over guys I meet in real life. I was told that I should try to have two dates in one night (would lobby boy care to catch a 5:30pm dinner at Olive Garden?) but I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of Sex and the City move (remember when Charlotte does two dates in one night but gets caught? Yikes).
Off to find some Advil,
$L#2
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
$ingle lady #2, please report to the principal's office
Today I am slightly annoyed at eHarmony. They scolded me! AND some freak match of mine named Jeff who I had already forgotten about, is the one who got me in trouble. Below is the email I received from eH:
"Jeff has requested that we "nudge" you because you have not responded to his latest request for communication. "Nudge" is a friendly way of saying "I am very interested in getting to know you better, please login and start communicating with me."
To maximize your experience with eHarmony, we recommend that you communicate with every match that you receive. Many of our successful couples almost passed each other by because of something they read. By communicating with every match regardless of initial impressions, they found their soul mate."
Nudged! I was NUDGED! Really? I promptly closed Jeff for being so damn pushy and for tattling on me. But Jeff isn't the only one - Andre also sent me a message to say that he hadn't heard from me and was hoping I'd respond. I toyed with closing him as well for being impatient but haven't so far. But back to eHarmony's email. Are they serious? I'm supposed to communicate with every match they send me? Please keep in mind that I get no less than 10 per day. This is like a full-time job. And they can forget about me communicating with the woof-ers. And I feel like they are bullying me - your soul mate is one of these guys and with one swift click of the mouse you might lose him forever!! Give me a break.
But joking aside, I think that eH is confused about why their system works. In my opinion, the system works because everyone on there wants to be in a relationship, which means you've eliminated half the battle. Haven't we all met a great guy who we got along with so well, but he didn't want to be tied down to one girl? Maybe if he had been interested in settling down, we would have lived happily ever after and made our friends barf making claims that we were "soul mates."
xoxo, sl2
$ingle Lady #1: Share. Flush. Take Turns.
All I really need to know in life I learned in Kindergarten. Everyone has heard/seen this somewhere before. A quick Google search brings me the list. Share everything (CDC revision: “except the H1N1 virus”). Don’t hit people. Say sorry. Flush. Check. Check (except for the occasional, totally justified bar fight). Check. Check. One thing I was surprised wasn’t on there was Take turns. Teaching me this skill, I’m pretty sure, is the reason my mom birthed my baby sister.
But what is the protocol on eHarmony? They are very clear about turn taking for the opening rounds. Your questions, your answers, his questions, his answers, your questions, his questions. No cheating. No skipping ahead (unless you’re eager beaver Wesley). Then you get to Open Communication and they stop patrolling. The icon on my list is never-ending on “Send _____ an eHarmony Email!” With so many guys in my current rotation, it is impossible to keep track. Also, as a huge fan of The Guy Makes the First Move, if it’s my turn after our final essay question back-and-forth, is it up to me to reach out? Alan apparently thinks so, as does Bill.
I’m on the fence, mostly because of the dreaded Holiday Timeline (a fear of mine recently confirmed via Facebook status update by friend D). For those unfamiliar, it’s the period of time roughly spanning Halloween to St. Patrick’s Day of the Grey Dating Area. If one starts dating another during that time period, there are a lot of relationship questions that need to be answered way ahead of schedule. Do we need to spend Halloween together (arguably one of the drunkest [read: bad decision-making] nights of the year)? Do I need to tell my entire extended family about him at Thanksgiving dinner? Do I get her a Hanukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa present? Do I spend New Year’s Eve with him? Assuming I made plans a decade in advance like one needs to and they don’t include him, is it ok if I kiss someone else at midnight? How do we handle celebrating MLK day? And worst of all, dreaded V-day. The Grey period ends with St. Patrick’s Day (the second arguably drunkest day of the year). It begins in New York an entire week prior with a mass exodus to Hoboken, where you’re probably going to vomit green beer on his leprechaun outfit while attending a “house” party thrown by someone you’ve never met before. If you can survive all of this, you’re in it for the long haul. Phew, no thank you.
And so I make my first Rule of EHarmony Dating: do not attend more than 1 date prior to Valentine’s Day with each potential match. That way, the grey area is really more of a dirty cream, and no Talks have to happen prematurely.
Dater update: Chris, 30, New York, United States has pulled ahead and we’re now emailing. He begins with a taunt about how the Giants stole our defensive coordinator, and a note that he is 100% Italian, and thus would have Robert DeNiro play him in a movie. He’s admitted to having zero knowledge of pop culture, which I more than make up for in our Better Halves. I expect multiple emails prior to a date ask, but age seems to have a direct correlation to time-spent-between-communications, so maybe we’ll flash forward by the weekend.
xo,
$L#1
But what is the protocol on eHarmony? They are very clear about turn taking for the opening rounds. Your questions, your answers, his questions, his answers, your questions, his questions. No cheating. No skipping ahead (unless you’re eager beaver Wesley). Then you get to Open Communication and they stop patrolling. The icon on my list is never-ending on “Send _____ an eHarmony Email!” With so many guys in my current rotation, it is impossible to keep track. Also, as a huge fan of The Guy Makes the First Move, if it’s my turn after our final essay question back-and-forth, is it up to me to reach out? Alan apparently thinks so, as does Bill.
I’m on the fence, mostly because of the dreaded Holiday Timeline (a fear of mine recently confirmed via Facebook status update by friend D). For those unfamiliar, it’s the period of time roughly spanning Halloween to St. Patrick’s Day of the Grey Dating Area. If one starts dating another during that time period, there are a lot of relationship questions that need to be answered way ahead of schedule. Do we need to spend Halloween together (arguably one of the drunkest [read: bad decision-making] nights of the year)? Do I need to tell my entire extended family about him at Thanksgiving dinner? Do I get her a Hanukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa present? Do I spend New Year’s Eve with him? Assuming I made plans a decade in advance like one needs to and they don’t include him, is it ok if I kiss someone else at midnight? How do we handle celebrating MLK day? And worst of all, dreaded V-day. The Grey period ends with St. Patrick’s Day (the second arguably drunkest day of the year). It begins in New York an entire week prior with a mass exodus to Hoboken, where you’re probably going to vomit green beer on his leprechaun outfit while attending a “house” party thrown by someone you’ve never met before. If you can survive all of this, you’re in it for the long haul. Phew, no thank you.
And so I make my first Rule of EHarmony Dating: do not attend more than 1 date prior to Valentine’s Day with each potential match. That way, the grey area is really more of a dirty cream, and no Talks have to happen prematurely.
Dater update: Chris, 30, New York, United States has pulled ahead and we’re now emailing. He begins with a taunt about how the Giants stole our defensive coordinator, and a note that he is 100% Italian, and thus would have Robert DeNiro play him in a movie. He’s admitted to having zero knowledge of pop culture, which I more than make up for in our Better Halves. I expect multiple emails prior to a date ask, but age seems to have a direct correlation to time-spent-between-communications, so maybe we’ll flash forward by the weekend.
xo,
$L#1
Sunday, January 17, 2010
$ingle lady #2: Had I known this would lead to dates...
This weekend I left the comfort of my eHarmony profile and tried to be a Jersey Shore cast member, meaning that I was doing a lot of "creeping." When our friend took a tumble down the stairs and had to go to the ER for some head staples, my friend R and I decided that was our cue to leave and go to the bar. After we arrived back home I met some hunnies in the lobby and I got a call from one of them today. After playing his voicemail on speakerphone ("Hi, this is Ryan from Friday night...we met in the lobby." Yipes, I'm embarrassing), my friends informed me that it was a good message and I should definitely call him back for a date (he said he really wanted to take me to California Pizza Kitchen). I on the other hand, disagreed wholeheartedly. Did you hear the way he said his NAME? And WHY did he leave his number twice when I can clearly see it on my Bberry? And since I'm pretty sure I'm not in 8th grade, I don't want to go to CPK.
Apparently I'm too picky, and I realized it's because I don't really feel like dating. I don't feel like meeting new people. I don't feel like going to California Pizza Kitchen. I don't feel like telling 5 different guys the same things about me. I love hot dogs, I don't recycle, I like skinny celebrities, blah blah blah...(I guess in theory I'd be finding out new things about them, but that also sounds boring.)
Anyway, none of this applies to Ben because he is hot, and while writing this post he sent me a message and it looks like we will meet up this week. Also an in-person meeting with Steve seems to be on the horizon. I'm having trouble keeping all these cyber and real-life men straight...and considering that I don't even want to go dates, I may have accidentally triple booked myself for tomorrow.
-$ingle lady #2
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