$L#5 went on a secret eHarm date, plus a new blog

Hola old friends - if anyone still reads you will be interested to know that (1) $ingle lady #5 went on an eH date without telling you and (2) I, $L2 decided that I can't live without blogging. But I also don't want to internet date any more so feel free to visit me at http://sorryforwinning.blogspot.com. Still undergoing cosmetic improvements...

$ingle lady #2: repeat offender?

One of my recent matches Bruce says "I am passionate about doing everything I can to help my girlfriend (if I have one of course) or make her feel loved and special" (Before you think he's way too lame, he did list some actual goals before this statement).

I'm sure this was just thrown in there to show that he's a super-attentive boyfriend, etc. etc. But this type of attitude perplexes me. It does not make me feel special, or that he would treat me like I am special. It makes me feel like he treats every girl the same, no matter who she is. It's a nice senitment but I still like to think that you make someone feel loved because you love that individual person, so your actions come naturally. Saying that, once you fill in the girlfriend blank with your new eH match, you will do everything you can to make her feel loved, is weird to me. Don't you have to decide if you love her first??

But, thinking about my own actions, I realize that I too, use all the same moves with every guy I like (maybe even my own D.E.N.N.I.S system?). First they will see I like golf! And guns! And trucks! Then, look, I like to cook and be girly and wear makeup and heels too! And I am a Republican who will do your dishes! And so it goes as I create my 'perfect woman' image. But, clearly, my moves aren't working. They might for a while, but not in terms of any long-term effect. So am I supposed to change up my system? Or would that mean changing who I am? That's scary because frankly, I don't have any other moves. I don't like kids or saving the whales or bunnies or Priuses.

So, you go Bruce. Work your B.R.U.C.E. system. Shower your new girlfriend with love and affection and make her feel special. Even if it's the same love with which you showered your last three girlfriends.

$ingle lady #2 and eWhatever

Hello friends. What's new? It looks like some of the $L's have either died or found boyfriends. But I don't want our blog to die! But I also don't want to talk to anyone on eHarmony anymore. What to do, what to do.

I've still been checking up on my matches to make sure I'm not missing out on any SP's, but I haven't seen any. Pretty much an overall yawn. And I'm pretty sure it's because my heart's just not in it. I'd rather go shopping after work than keep attending drunken blind dates, or dance to Justin Bieber with my $L or non-$L friends on the weekends. Maybe it's the weather? On a chilly winter afternoon you want someone with whom you can snuggle on the couch with a cup of hot cocoa. On a breezy spring afternoon, I'd rather play kickball on the National Mall with 25 guys. Whee!

So, do you mind if I just keep blogging about my opinions on girls and boys? If you said yes, too bad because I can't hear you and I'm going to do it anyway. My thoughts lately have been about these ke$ha lyrics: "you must be blind if you can't see you'll miss me till the day you die" (Right? Did you know ke$ha was so deep? I recommend buying the album immediately). We girls say/think crap like this. We console our friends post-breakup by saying "He doesn't know how to accept love! He'll die alone!" "He'll realize that he made a big mistake!"

But the fact is, this probably isn't true. I mean, we liked this boy at some point, for some reason. And it's pretty silly to think that another girl won't come along and like him for the same reasons. And she'll probably have boobs so he'll probably like her back. Every day I look around on the metro, or on TV or in songs and people are loving each other and wearing wedding rings and producing more miniature people. So I suppose when you want to start loving and getting married and producing miniature people, it can't be too hard to find some sucker to come along for the ride.

Yay romance!

$L#2

$ingle lady #2: places I want to meet men other than the internet...

...but don't know how:

#1. Running on Rock Creek Parkway - as soon as the weather hits 60 degrees, RCP is filled with runners and bikers and I finally feel like maybe I'm not in danger of getting raped by a creep hiding in the woods. And you know what? A lot of these runners/bikers are slampieces. Running without shirts, running with rippling abs and chiseled quads that make me melt. But, how would I ever speak to one? "Hey! (pant) You're cute! (pant)" Oh and he's already long gone, running away at 10mph while I chug along at 6. "'Kay see ya 'roundddd!" Fail.

#2. Metro - there are many cute boys on the metro but I'm severely opposed to metro chatting unless you are my friend and we would chat in real life.

#3. Grocery store - especially when I used to live in Arlington, it was like a SPF (slampiece festival) at the local Harris Teets. The problem there is that 80% of the time the SP that catches your eye is with his live-in girlfriend.

I suppose if I really want to meet someone in public I'll have to start being friendly, smiling and initiating conversations with strangers. This is definitely not going to happen because I hate all of those things and am from NJ and prefer to walk with the bitchiest look possible on my face. While I may not attract potential matches, at least tourists are not tempted to ask me "where the zoo's at?"

maybe the eH customer care rep wants to take out $ingle lady #2

I called eH ready to crack some $kullz over my $96 charge when I'd rather be a quitter. But then the dude was all nice and didn't really give me a chance to be mean and gave me two options one of which gave me back $57 and I still get one more month of membership. So fine, y'all are stuck with me for another month.

The nice man on the phone asked why I wanted to stop - perhaps I needed to ajdust my settings to get some more communication? And I was like, no, I'm just writing a blog and need to spend my money on these awesome Frye wedges I just found online instead and I hate love and have no interest in pretending to look for it any longer. Okay, I didn't say that. I just said "it's not a problem with communication (read: I'm soooo cool and everyone wants to talk to me), for personal reasons I no longer wish to continue" and he said "I understand."

But then at the end he says "I'd like to compliment you on your profile; for your remaining months maybe if you answered more of the About me questions you'd get more communication." So now I know he's clearly reading about my cheese obsession and thinking um you're a freak good thing you're cancelling.

So, onward I blog for 30 more days. Also, I logged in today, and Brooks Brothers tie has closed me! To everyone who was concerned for the tie - other than his initial statement about wanting it back he really hasn't made much of an attempt. So I plan to wear it as a cool belt or regift it to my dad for Father's Day.


-$L#2

$ingle lady #2 - eH IS SO SNEAKY and I am PISSED

So my eH membership was "paid through April 6." I went in to cancel today. They had already auto-renewed me and charged my credit card for 96 more dollars. That is too many dollars. NO NO NO NO I did not feel like spending my day on the phone with these bastards. I should have cancelled yesterday but I was too busy buying new sunglasses in NJ. Woooo tax-free clothes shopping.

ASSUMING I'm able to remove this charge, I would like to present you with the full economic analysis of my 3-month eH membership, which cost $120:

2 beers on Ben: $8
2 drinks on Pete: $10
0 drinks on sssshiv: $0
3 champagne cocktails and appetizers on CC: ~$50
1 indian dinner on CC: ~$35
~5 strong beers and 1 cheese platter on CCC: ~$40
1 Brooks Brothers tie: apparently $75

TOTAL: $218 (...$143 pre-tie)

So I guess it was worth it?

-$L#2

$ingle lady #2 continued

So, I've been receiving some comments and I will agree that, yes, I should not have offered if I was going to be so weird and hate this boy forever for accepting to stay on my couch rather than man up and take the probably $35 cab ride home.

BUT, I have told this story to three different males on three distinct occasions, and they all told me the same thing: he knew what he was doing. I know, I know, we women don't want to believe when men tell us what other men are thinking. I don't either. But don't shoot the messenger. Here's one convo that luckily took place via gchat so I can show all of you (thanks to coworker CH who has become a loyal AT$L follower):

CH: Yeah, that guy had the game going full on
CH: As in, every step planned
me: you think?
CH: Oh yeah
me: what a creepshow
CH: Including the kiss
It was a test
vanilla = going home to sleep; anything more = going home WITH her
And I'll put $$ the "first eH date" is a crock
me: well I dont think he thought it was vanilla
CH: ha
CH: Well, there you go. Either way, it was a setup
Like in boxing...throwing the jab with your left so you can get them to move into a right hook

CH: You don't 1) live that far out and lose track of the metro, and 2) "forget" your favorite tie
me: well im glad im not crazy
CH: When you take off your tie, you put it with/in your coat...second nature
usually coat over a chair, tie over the coat
It's the order you take them off and just what almost always happens
me: right
CH: No, he's playing you. You've got this one right

$ingle lady #2's shady ass dating story

"The point of blogs is to make other people feel more normal. Every girl has a shady ass dating story." -$L#2's BFF

With that advice, I begin the tale of last night's date.

I walk into our meeting place at approximately 8:07pm. The hostess/bartender seems to know that I am meeting someone and is like "I think this is his beer. I'll show you where he is." So perhaps he prepped her for my arrival. He is sitting at a table and looks different than his pictures, and has a slight beard situation (no problem here, I enjoy beards). Maybe a 7 on the SPS (I've been told by a coworker that "slampiece" is only supposed to refer to sex, according to Urban Dictionary, but let's be clear that I'm only using it to describe level of attractiveness).

So recently I've started to like and appreciate delicious beers. This bar had them. But the problem with these new delicious beers is they are like 8, 9, 10% alcohol, not your average Bud Light. And maybe I should start eating dinner pre-dates, because bits of a cheese platter does not always equal a meal. We chat, laugh, he wants to know about my other eH dates since this is his first. I give him the 411. I am having fun. Then I notice that it is midnight. He notices that it is midnight. The metro in DC stops running at midnight. This isn't a big problem for me because I'm only about 2 miles from home. BUT he lives far, far, far, far away (McLean, woof). He parks his car at a metro stop far, far, far away (West Falls Church, woof). I'm sort of drunk and I say to be nice that I have a pullout couch, expecting him obviously to decline the offer. But he doesn't.

So we get a cab home, I set him up on the couch and proceed to lock myself in my room after sending RoomieJ a warning text of what is going on. I do not know what is wrong with me and the more I think about this situation the more I dislike it and I'm sorry to the moms reading the blog for being an unsafe idiot who lets strangers into my home. I mean, I know he just moved back here from NYC but you must know that the metro doesn't run 24 hours a day. He says that he will leave early so my roommate will not be startled.

Oh also I forgot that while walking to get a cab he kissed me. It was vanilla.

So this morning I wake up early and have a killer headache and listen, listen, listen for him to leave. He does and then I get up. I get ready for work. I'm about to walk out the door when I see it. His tie (Brooks Brothers). COME ON. What are you some sort of girl starring in "How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days"???

On the metro to work I get an email from him (8:30am):

"Further perpetuating what must seem to you like a massive, sociopathic scam, I forgot my tie. I'll need that back. It's a favorite.

You have to give me some credit though. Last night/this morning could have gone much worse. You could have woken up this morning with me standing in a corner of your bedroom, wearing one of your dresses with your goldfish in hand. +25 restraint points for me.

Online dating is the best. Have a great day."

It was a hilarious email and I laughed. But, all is not forgiven (the fact that he even thought that up makes me slightly nervous). The tie was a sacrifice and he will never see it or me again.

$ingle lady #2: another day, another date

Now that I have finally made it back to DC, I have a date tonight with CCC (cookie crisp classmate). I am wearing a dress from Banana Republic and some patent leather shoes to wick away the rain. We are going somewhere that looks to have a fabulous beer selection, so I approve of his choice.

I feel like quite a veteran blind-dater these days, as $ingle ladiez 5 and 6 have asked me for advice. The most pressing question? "Do I shake his hand?" I realized that I never really thought about what I do when we meet - I know that CC gave me a big hug, and for some reason it worked. But the others involved no handshake, hug or touching of any kind (my preference, as someone adverse to hugging).

I've also discovered that I'm bad at multi-tasking with these guys. There was another, who I thought I liked and was talking to before CCC came along. But as soon as he did, I couldn't be bothered to answer anyone else. I had two messages this weekend saying "Hope I didn't scare you off :o)" (god that emoticon...) and "Hey how was your race?" from another who I realized I left hanging. I think I'm ready for my membership to end. But I still want to blog!

$L#2

$ingle lady #2's crush of the week, and the small small world that is eH

My lover of the week is named Chaz.* His fave Christmas move is Home Alone 2, he used to live in NYC, is super-cute and wearing a George-Clooney-in-Ocean's-Eleven-suit-with-no-tie in his picture, is 28 and has started his own company. BONUS!

*I've been told to stop using real names. I wish his name was Chaz.

We flew through our guided communication, and he writes me an email to say he has "a good feeling about this" and throws out several options for dates this weekend, as well as his email address and number. I email back to say that I'm out of town this weekend, but next week would be an option.

As I anxiously wait to hear back, I decide to do some light stalking now that I have his email address and last name. There he is on Facebook - hmm he graduated from a tiny liberal arts college outside of Philadelphia...I've heard of this before...and we have a friend in common! Who could it be?? Can you guess??







Yes, cookie crisp. Is this for real? Shoot I hope they fight over me.

-SL#2

$ingle lady #2: Hi, my name is $ingle lady #2...sincerely, $ingle lady #2

I've had an onslaught of straight-to-email requests in the past few days. eHarmony discourages, and I'm starting to think they may have a point. I kind of like taking the normal path, reading their cosmo quizzes, must haves, and seeing what kind of open-ended questions/answers they can craft.

The email invitation strategies, have been varied, though:

-"Hi how are you!" ...umm what kind of response were you expecting? "Good, how are you?" This could on for approximately 12 weeks before I uncover his favorite color.

-"Um, hi, I just wanted to say that you're pretty haha and just wanted to say hi and just wanted to say that I'd like to get to know you haha." ...If you just wanted to say it, JUST SAY IT! Grow a pair.

-"Hi my name is John and I think we'd get along. My # is XX and my email is XX. Thanks, John" ...a) I know your name is John it's all over your profile and b) eeeeeassy there cowboy.

-"What are the top ten things I should know about you?" ....Ten? Let's not be greedy. Although, here is what I'd like to say:

1. I've bitten my nails since I was 2. I may have found the cure thanks to OPI Axxium Gel Polish.
2. I love skinny people and would love to be one. Like, really skinny.
3. Unfortunately, I love cheeb's too much to achieve #2.
4. I am writing a blog about you.
5. I am addicted to shopping, which I got from my mom, which she got from my grandmother.
6. I don't want a boy who is sensitive. Don't cry.
7. The way to my heart is through Nike Air Cole Haan shoes.
8. While I love my job, I'm pretty sure I'd love to have a collection of aprons and spend my day like June Cleaver.
9. When I read the questions that screen for alcoholism on questionnaires I administer at work, I get concerned about my behavior.
10. No, really, I'm writing a blog about you right now.

What do you think - send?

$ingle lady #2: two-date curse

I'm just not sure if I'll ever make it past two dates with a guy. CC and I seem to have fizzled out, although he did send me a text at 2:30am on Friday. I'm sorry, did I miss the part when we progressed to booty-call-status? Considering he didn't even try to kiss me on the first two dates, I found this a bit forward.

I've been traveling and not in DC, and today finally took some time to catch up with my matches. One, who I thought was promising and cute, AND who said his favorite Christmas movies are Home Alone and Die Hard (major props for counting both of these as xmas flicks), has closed me. The reason? "Because I was put on hold." Now we have discussed the "Final Message" options here at AT$L several times, and none of them are "Wait! I was just busy! Don't be impatient, I'm ready to respond!" There's basically no way I can say that, unless I say "I think we had potential" or some shit like that. So I guess it was not meant to be. Because really, I took so long to answer the questions because they were too hard. I literally spent 20 minutes searching for the response I wrote to someone else when asked "What are the three best traits you have to offer?" so I could copy and paste instead of thinking about it again.

Sorry for being MIA, I have more things to say stored up for later today,
$L#2

$ingle lady #2: I am single because...

I have about 15 questions waiting in my inbox. And they are hard. I don't feel like answering them. One in particular comes to me from a guy named Scott (okay that's a lie, I have no idea which one asked me this):

Why are you $ingle?

Four little words have proven so daunting. Every time I think of crafting a response I am stumped. What is this guy looking for? A history of my relationships and why they failed? For me to reveal that I have outstanding restraining orders issued by boyfriends past? There is no way this is the venue for those kinds of discussions. And in true HJNTIY fashion, who the F cares (pardon my language $L#1's mom...)? I am single because I'm not dating anyone. Why do people obsess over reasons for everything? Sometimes things just are.

And furthermore, isn't this question kind of like when you lose your keys, and someone so matter-of-factly says, "Well where did you have them last?" If I KNEW where I was when I had my keys, they would not be lost. Is it true that if I knew why I was single, I wouldn't be?

Anyway it's late and I just finished watching an episode of LOST and I haven't a clue which way is up. Goodnight. And I'm not answering that question, Steve, or whoever you are.

$L#2

$ingle lady #2 meets adults

Last night I got to hang out with my BFF's sister and her husband. They are recently married and have an adorable house on the main line in PA. She cooked me salmon and veggies and served wine and real appetizers on a cheese tray that apparently I gave her for their wedding (go me!).

Conversation flows from work to wedding to fear of small children to...eHarmony! Let me tell you - the married peeps loooooved hearing about online dating. The husband was all "what happens first?...then what?...then what?...fascinating!!" I brought up some points during the convo that I was very proud of, and that I hadn't put into words until last night. Examples include:

All of the boys ask you the SAME multiple choice questions. And all are an attempt to find out if you are a) clingy, and b) are going to make them do crap they don't want to do. I am always always asked the following:

-Which would you rather do on a Saturday night: Sporting event, ballet, dance club, stay home
-If I brought you to a party, would you: stay by my side, sit in the corner, strike out and make friends?
-Which of the following would you rather date: someone super busy, sometimes busy, always available
-How much personal space do you require: none, one night a week, equal together and alone time

Match after match, I always get these questions. Sometimes I just write in my own answer to the last question and say that I require mandatory hip-connection surgery after two dates. Like, relax, I'll leave you alone.

My next epiphany was the following analogy: Men on eHarmony are like clothes that are on sale. You know when you go to the department store, and like, EVERYTHING from BCBG is marked down 70% and an extra 30%? And you pull every adorable top and sexy dress just thinking OMG I'm going to buy so much awesome shit and it's all going to be totally free!!

And then you proceed to the dressing room and the first dress doesn't fit quite right...and the second is nice but kind of confused and where on Earth could you wear it? and the third top couldn't cover your boobs if your life depended on it...and then you realize - there's a reason this crap is on sale. No one bought it when it was a new arrival. It sadly sat on the rack and now they just want you to take it away to make room for the Spring collection. Wah. And you walk out with nothing.

Well, I think that maybe there is a reason these guys are on eH. Maybe they look cute on the hanger, or seem like a great deal. And I'm sure there is that one great guy if you are really diligent and scour the racks. But, something is just a tad off about them, and that is the reason they have yet to be purchased.

$ingle lady #2 and the work trip

Enter the work trip and the out-of-town $ingle lady. How is she supposed to cultivate and nurture a budding eHarmony romance when she is MIA for 9 days? It is $ingle lady #2's eternal struggle: "absence makes the heart grow fonder" VS. "out of sight, out of mind." It's a delicate balance really. I contend that after only 1-2 dates, you will know if this is a person you care to see again. But if you don't see them for Date #3 after 2 weeks, this romance can easily fizzle out. You need time to ignite the spark so that the flame, dull as it may be, can continue burning despite a 9-day hiatus.

So, yeah, I'm out of town for work. BUT I'm also staying with my wonderful friend and we are having a lesbian-good-time. AND this weekend I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party. So if the CC flame fizzles, I'll get over it. After all, he's not packing me delicious lunches including greek yogurt and Yodels (apparently they are called Swiss Rolls when you aren't from NJ) or cooking me salmon with butternut squash for dinner...my lovely host is doing these things.

However since CC did take me to two dinners (and pay for me), I told him that I owed him a delicious dinner. He said he would hold me to it, so we'll see. I hope I get the opportunity to play Giada and prance around in my apron...maybe I'll even make $L#6's fifth date chicken!

Loving my temporary window office,
$L#2

$ingle lady #2 thinks boys are mad weird

I'm having a serious issue with going on dates: separation anxiety. From my Blackberry. Seriously. These new dates are the only time that I don't give my Bberry, affectionately known as my "Justin Bieber," a glance for a good 2-4 hours. It lives by my bedside while I sleep, I answer emails on the Metro en route to work, I keep an eye out for BBMs from $inglelady friends throughout the day, at lunch with coworkers we look at our phones more often than each other, etc. etc. But on the first, second, third date, it is rude. I suppose it's also a breath of fresh air, considering nothing Earth-shattering has ever happened in those terrible 2-4 hours sans Bieber.

Anyway, my date on Thursday with CC was nice. We ate food at a fave restaurant that he selected, he picked me up, he knew the waiters and we got delicious treats for free. We went home, hugged and he said why don't we hang out on Friday night? Okay, I say. The plan is for me to tell him where I am going. I inform him, a few texts are exchanged, but we never meet up. The next day he says sorry, blah blah, what are you doing tonight? I tell him, then no response. Let me tell you - this bothers me. I don't know this boy well. I do not think that we need to spend our weekend together; we probably both have friends we'd rather see. But when it is YOUR idea, and YOU ask me to hang out, and YOU ask me what I'm doing, and then somehow it feels like it was MY idea to tell you what I'm doing and am bothering you, I get annoyed. So, let's just cut the crap.

I'm trying to figure out if this is me, or just a men-are-from-Mars-women-are-from-Venus issue. But I have a serious memory when it comes to boys I like. Watch out - I will remember everything you say. And if you say in passing that it would be fun to do something, or that we "should" hang out, or it "might" be nice to attend X event, I will not forget. I will think that this is a real plan. So maybe I'm crazy. I just like to see a little follow-through. It's fine if you don't want to do anything with me, just don't say you do.

So anyway I think that CC might be slightly strange, since today he followed up with 17 gchats saying "hello hello hello hello" and then disappeared. WTFffFFfF. I don't have time to decode this behavior (okay I probably have time but I don't feel like it).

Please let the Oscars end already,

$L#2

PS - This weekend I was matched with the roommate of a boy with whom I was previously romantically involved. This is getting to be a giant creep show.

$ingle lady #2 has an idea

So. I think that there should be an eHarmony-ish website for finding an SGF: sassy gay friend. My BFF made an SGF last weekend in NYC and I was really jealous. They danced the night away at the Ritz. It was magical. Last night I made a new SGF and we talked about how luxurious the pants of the Banana Repulic monogram collection are (also I met some new friends who read the blog - woo!). He talked in his fake Minnesota lady accent, and I used my alter-ego "Pearl" who is a New Jersey 65-year-old yenta. We also drank champagne (and too many other drinks when I decided the 'tender was cute).

Just like in that video, having an SGF is key. They tell you when your hair looks great, when it looks terrible, and when you're being a silly bitch. But finding an SGF isn't always easy, so I think there should be a Web site for that. Go.

Countdown to CC date!!!
SL#2

$ingle lady #2: gsuccess!

I don't have any chachy themes for this post. Through my best gchatting I have secured a second date on Thursday with CC. It is getting creepier and creepier how much we have in common. Like, Single Lady #1, you were there on New Year's Day when we filled out the questionnaire. Did I miss the question that said "What is your favorite place for chicken wings in DC?" and that is how I found this perfect match? Maybe I just don't remember answering that question. Also - we're Facebook friends now - BONUS. What a treasure trove compared to the 12 photo max on eHarmz. Also, these photo captions, yipes. The grammar is impeccable because they are approximately 2-3 sentences each. While that is strange, they are cracking me up.

In conclusion, this is DATE WEEK for the $ingle ladies. #1 tonight, #4 tomorrow, me on Thurs. WhErE u At #5??

Night,

$lady#2

$ingle lady #2: Are you laughing out loud? Really, are you??

You'll recall that in one of my earliest posts (ah when I was just a baby blogger...), I said that using the term "LOL" was a rea$on for dismissal. Well, Arthur has snuck up on me as an lol'er. I had ignored his eH message for a few weeks, because I was clearly too busy thinking of names that involve the word "crisp" (oh, apple crisp, just thought of that BOOM). But at the end of last week I realized that putting all of my eggs into one crisp basket may not be the best idea. After all, I only have one month left in my membership so I may as well get my $ worth.

So, I responded to Arthur and he was all "hey, long time no response, lol." Woof. Come on, you did not laugh out loud at your own sentence. I know you didn't. I'm all for cracking myself up, but that wasn't funny. What you mean to say is "I didn't know if you were going to respond because you left me waiting for so long and instead of just answering your email I'm going to awkwardly call you out about it and then put in an acronym that is socially used to make you know I am kind of kidding, but not really, but yes, definitely kidding." Phew.

But Arthur seems kind of nice and is cute so can I write him off for using lol seven times in one paragraph? I rationalize the reason that I don't want someone who is 'excessively overweight' (eH's term, not mine) with the fact that certain character traits usually accompany being excessively overweight, i.e. laziness, not taking pride in your appearance, etc., so I wouldn't want to date someone with those traits. But is there some character flaw that is linked to using lol? The only one I can think of is BEING REALLY ANNOYING. So we'll see.

And, I would like to point out, that sometimes when chatting with $ingle lady #5, we found ourselves in need of LOL. Because we always make each other laugh out loud. This is the purpose of the abbrev. So, instead of using LOL, we've made up our own. You are free to use them if you'd like:

-"COL" - chuckling out loud (when something is a little funny but not so funny that you're bursting out laughing)
-"PIMP" - peeing in my pants
-"APM" - almost pooing myself (reserved for the funniest of convos)

So, boys, be creative when you're laughing out loud! I'm always in the market for new shorthand. And if you're not laughing out loud, don't try to tell me you are.

Happy Monday,
$L#2

$ingle lady #2: A guide to gflirting

Gflirting, is of course, the ancient (read: since 2k7) art of gchat flirting. Once you have secured your new crush (cookie crisp) as a gchat contact, let the gamez begin! I contend that I do some of my best work via gchat. There are many things to consider. I find it acceptable to open the lines of communication one time, if necessary. From there you are not to gchat your crush again until he gchats you.

The next step is the gchatus (gchat status) bait. Many gchatuses may serve as bait for your crush to chat you. Some examples include a chachy conversation between you and one of your funniest friends to get him to think:"gee I wish $L#2 and I were having hilarious gconvos..." Another option would be a humorous link to a Web site or youtube video, to elicit a "where did you find that?" or "haha" chat. Another option might be, a personal favorite of mine, a quote from your favorite movie - perhaps Home Alone. This will leave your crush racking his brain to identify the quote, at which point he may even IMDB the line to try to impress you with his movie knowledge.

The last option is an actual status about what you are doing, but just mysterious enough to serve as bait. Now, DO NOT make the mistake of being obvious. DO NOT use statuses such as "OMG so excited!!!" or "wah don't feel well :(" These baits are fooling no one. A good bait might be "taking a p-less nap," which of course refers to a pantless nap, made popular in 2k4 when you, after a long day of class, returned to your dorm to immediately take off your pants, crawl into bed with a bag of Tostitos Scoops, and fall asleep watching Blow starring Johnny Depp. However your crush does not know that the pantless nap is the epitome of laziness, and will instead chat you "what is a p-less nap?" And you will say "pantless, duh" and he will be left thinking of your lacy underwear, rather than you waking up with drool on your face and the entire bag of chips hoovered.

The final guideline is to stay away from gchat when drunk; it is to serve as sober communication only. Gchat will lose its magic if it simply becomes a variation of the drunk dial or text. Gflirting is best conducted while at work. If you have a job that does not allow gchat...you're probably out of luck and will die a lonely cat lady, unless you are some sort of 'adult' who uses the 'telephone' or flirts with people 'in person.' Lame.

Good luck!
$ingle lady #2