$ingle Lady #1: Has found her own "Slampiece"

Like $L#2, eHarmz has given up on sending me new matches, subtly telling me to play with the 200 or so they've already sent me instead. Considering I've closed 143, and have 9 in limbo, I really only have 24 that I'm actively pursuing. In fairness, I also got lazy, leaving everyone in limbo and not really bothering to check out my matches as instructed.

Sunday I spent all day in bed, lazily ordering delivery hot dogs and mac n'cheese from downstairs, so I went through some of my limbo matches. John, 28, is a "slampiece." He is hot in all five of his photos, in 5 different angles. Plus 1. In one, he's holding a child (gingerly, to prove it's not his). Plus 2. In another, he is at the US Open. Plus 3. He also drinks "several times a week" like me, which makes me feel better. Plus 4. He's only 5'10". Minus 1, but still a solid plus 3 overall. Of course, I wanted to fast track him to give my proposal immediately, but decided to try to play hard to get by sending him a Cosmo quiz instead. Still waiting for a response.

Other Updates:

No response to my last Thursday email from Chris. Hope he's busy deposing and not blowing me off.

Yesterday, in a fit of giggles with coworkers over some of my closed matches' profile photos (sorry, it's mean, but still funny), I "nudged" Andrew (cute, in beginning stages of communication), which as we know from SL#2 is the cardinal sin of eHarmony, but come on - the button was so big and orange and tempting...and he promptly Closed me. However, he did provide a Closed email that he was "pursuing another relationship" as opposed to "you're a crazy impatient b*tch" which I appreciated.

Bill and Alan are both in "Open email" limbo. No one wants to make the first move. It's my turn, but they're supposed to be Men. Maybe the next time I'm drunk I'll send an opening line...

'til next time,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle lady #2: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Am I the only person without an answer to this question? It's a question I've been asked on eH two times now, and it also came up on my regular life date #2 with LB (solidifying the idea that dates are nothing more than interviews with wine). I don't like this question. I don't like to play this game. To me, it's no different than games of make-believe I played when I was in 8th grade. I don't know where I'll be in 10 years, and I can't bring myself to speculate because what's the point? I have career goals, don't get me wrong. But as a $ingle lady, I refuse to 'plan' to be married with 2 kids by the time I'm 35. How can you plan on something that is totally based on whether or not you meet someone you want to marry? How can I 'plan' to move to a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a dog, when I might meet someone with whom I'd rather have a condo in the city?

Maybe this point of view is why I'm no good for eH. Maybe eH is for people who have their 10-year plan and just need someone to insert into the significant other blank. And maybe I'll change my tune in 7 years when I really have to worry about my old eggs.

Some updates:
-Andre is sooo pushy: "Just dropping by to say hi, hope you didn't forget about me!" Close.
-Ben is MIA
-A ginger match is now on my gchat list which makes me really nervous
-A match named Pete shares my love of Giada
-Grammar boy must have been scared off by my grammary message
-eH is getting sick of me and no longer sends me new matches every day

Kisses,
$L#2

$ingle Lady #1: How to get value from eHarmony, let me count the ways...

Where is the value in eHarmony? For a man, particularly of the old-fashioned variety, there's little value (unless, of course, you count the supposed everlasting love that comes with finding your True Match). He pays exorbitantly for his membership, and then pays for (at least the first) dates he goes on. Females have a higher ROI. Yes, we pay for membership, but have an opportunity to make some revenue through free dinners and drinks.

So far, negative value. One month down, zero actual dates had. Probably 80% of my new matches are from New Jersey (and not accessible NJ), so most I'm closing. I typically don't even bother to open them. Today I opened one from New York. His About Me was very descriptive, and included that he's a Sports Editor for a major area newspaper. At what point do I drop my admittedly shallow physical appearance...standards?...and just go out for a good time? I'll admit, while he's 4 inches shorter than me (my dealbreaker), as a sports editor he likely has access to insane tickets, and I considered dating him for that reason. Moral Compasses, never fear, for I closed the match rather than take advantage of him, but the thought did cross my mind...

xo,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle Lady #1: Where for art thou $ingle Lady #1?

I've been MIA, I know (although thanks for the public call-out $L#2 ;)). Mostly, I've been busy at work, but alas I'm also horrified to report that not only did Chris have to cancel tonight (after I rush overnight fixed those boots too! Perfect date outfit is still on, be it only for the benefit of my Starbucks barrista this morning), but he's out of town "deposing" all next week (sounds dirty, but since we don't know each other, I didn't think I could comment on that yet in our correspondence), and I'm out of town on vacation the following week. Our blossoming romance could not join a face-to-face reality until post-V-day. Oh the horror. No wonder you have to pay for 3 months up front!

I'm in the eHarmony "free open email" communication with 5 men. Surely one of them will culminate in a date, as I didn't pay this much to practice my witty email-writing skills. This leaves me embarrassed to admit, that it's currently:

Internet Dating: 1
$ingle Lady #1: 0

Team is down as we near the end of the first period. With two remaining (thirds? Football is so much easier of a reference...note to eHarmz, please offer a 4 month membership...), it's time to call up the reserves before the Chris-and-$L#1 Romance turns into a romcom called "Dear John."

Love and missed you,
$L#1

$ingle lady #2...is the only $ingle lady posting

My new plan is to see how many ridiculous things I can say on eHarmony before 1. they somehow intervene because they are the Big Brother of dating Web sites or 2. every man I'm matched with things I'm a total freak. Enter Pete from Alexandria, who wanted to know the 3 best traits I had to offer a 'partner' (I hate that word). I decided that Pete was funny based on his answer to my selected question "Describe your ideal man/woman" to which he responded "My ideal man is a cross between Chuck Norris and John Stamos." This made me think of my absolute favorite website, http://www.wwujd.com/.



Anyway since he seemed funny I responded "My extensive fantasy football trophy case, love of washing dishes, and killer rack. I mean...I'm loving, caring, and sensitive."

$ingle lady #2: Ode to Ben

Where have you gone?
It has been so long (1 week).
We had a lovely time at Clyde's,
but now you have chosen to hide.
Right after our date there was a text
so I dreamed more would be next.
Maybe by another eH match your heart has been taken
But if you think I will call you, you are sorely mistaken.

by $L#2

$ingle lady #2: Republican dream date

To start, I just want to say that I'm really excited that I'm finally living life the way Zach Morris intended: dates with different people every night. My date with LB was nothing short of a right-winger's dream, starting with him picking me up at my apartment in his work suit complete with American flag pin, and opening the door for me. We chatted about our similar interests (a good 20 minutes reviewing each golf club we carry), family backgrounds (moms who ask us if we went to church), and I informed him of my "life skills that I do not posses" listed in an earlier post. He did point out that while I claim to hate talking to people so much, I can't be too shy considering I flagged him down in my friend's lobby - touche. Before I even had time to post, he contacted me to say he had a great time (as K likes to say - why wouldn't he?) and ask me out on date #2 for this weekend. LB doesn't waste any time.

I've started reading the eHarmz articles posted around the dating profiles, mostly for their comedic value...there was one today about how to make a killer first impression (people decide if they like you in the first 2 seconds blah blah blah) and most were to be expected - don't dress like you're homeless, have good posture, etc. But others were new:

"Move more slowly than usual. People who move fractionally more slowly than others tend to get noticed and come across as sexy. Get into the habit so it becomes natural: otherwise don't bother." I'll be practicing my sloth every night.

"Third, smile with genuine enjoyment. (Here’s a way to do that. Practice saying the word “great” over and over in a mirror using crazy voices until you feel like a giant idiot or you crack up – then say it under your breath to yourself as you approach people. I guarantee you’ll be smiling.) A smile sends a signal that you’re happy and confident." Are there really people out there who need to practice how to smile? And then you have to mumble to yourself like a crazy person? I think I'll stick to thinking of Peyton Manning pegging small children in the back with a football as my go-t0 mental image for a laugh.

This is the picture with the article; I'm not sure what kind of impression this girl's sleepy look makes (maybe she was going for 'bedroom eyes').




-$L#2