$ingle Lady #1 - Reconvinced?

Get excited lonely readerz, eHarmony has made me an offer I can't refuse.

Mz F sent my mom who sent me a special code for a discounted membership for $ingle moms... Given that I'm already wanted by the Feds for failing to sign my taxes, I didn't want to push my luck lying to eHarmz about babies and such, but today I received one of my very own. Rejoin for the low low price of $14.95/mo for 3 months. Whoa there WalMart, there are some new rollbacks in town.

I'm pretty sure that's a go. It's the summer, and I need a fun summer fling. Or 12. eHarmz has steadily been sending me matches despite my membership cancellation and the poor blokes have been poking and prodding trying to get me to respond (sorry fellas, I've been burned by the "no photo until you pay us" rule before...).

Cheers to spending the weekend weeding through 138 new matches...about 30 of which have sent me a communication.

xo
$L#1

$ingle Lady #1: Back on the Market

Following in $L#6's footsteps, IMF and I decided to separate last week. Details of the breakup are locked in $ealed record$, but we're releasing a joint statement through our reps that the split was amicable, but that we will not remain friends. Circumstances are external...involving a cross-country move, which is too bad since I really do think we liked each other.

Back in the game, loyal readers, just in time for the fun and flirty $ummer months! Unfortunately, eHarmz subscription ran out during my dating pha$e, so I'll have to turn to more traditional forms of lurking for men.

With my quarter-century looming in about a month, bring on savethedating?

xo,
$L#1

$ingle Lady $nooze

I took a page from the $ingle lady #2 and employed the fun and sassy question of "tell me about a word or phrase that you have made up and tell me the meaning of it."

Kyle had some potential and I have been engaging in the slow process of moving through the stages of communication, as I am trying to make the most of the last few weeks of this mostly disappointing membership. Also trying to up my ROI. Tonight I checked in on my account was excited to read the responses to my, what I thought, very important questions.

However, I was NOT impressed, bored, and frankly angry with Kyle's responses. It seemed like he was irritated that I was even inquiring. I mean answering endless rounds of questions can get annoying on eHarmz, don't get me wrong. But you are PAYING MONEY for this membership. Put some effort into it or else you won't get anything out of it.

I may be reading into things too much, but see below at Kyle's $nooze-worthy answers to my questions:

Tell me about a phrase/saying/word that you have made up and tell me the meaning of it. I really do not have any phrase or saying that I have made up. I don't think that I even have a phrase I am overly fond of using. Sorry about this one, but I just do not have an answer.

Looking back on your life, of what are you most proud? Probably getting my master's degree. I did not understand when I started it how much work I would put into it.

Why did you join eHarmony? Basically, to meet more people than I was in my daily life.

He is a ROBOT. I think I will wait the obligatory 2 days to close this one. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

xox,
$L4

$ingle Lady #6: Checking in

I have a date on Monday with C, 25, paralegal. So far he's been incredibly inquisitive and nice, and I look forward to meeting him. I feel like such a pro, I'm barely even nervous anymore. I gots nothin' to lose! I am still waiting for S, 25, engineer to finally ask me out, but we've so far just been exchanging novel-like e-mails with lots of personal get-to-know you info. It's time for him to ask me out before my gmail server maxes out.

Here's hoping I follow through on my promise to kick my date's butt at $kee ball,
$L6

$ingle Lady #4 and the Art of the Text Message

I've come to the realization recently how much effort goes into a text message. You only get 160 characters to express what you are or are not trying to say. You want to make the message concise, not too lengthy, keeping the TMI to a minimum, but also keeping mysterious just enough to ensure a reciprocal text.

Case in point, my friend C (who reads this blog, hi!) whom I made a love connection for some time ago now. Well her and her male friend have continued to stay in touch, however they engage in the ever-so-fun Friday/Saturday night text message routine of "are you going out tonight?" Which everyone knows is code for "what bar are you going to be at so I can conveniently be there when the bar closes in the hopes we may go home together."

Don't get me wrong, it would be nice to have a consistent male companion in my life right now. However, I have learned first hand that this text game is EXHAUSTING. Since the said male companion, we will call him Bill, was a friend of mine from college, she will consult with me on the protocol on the Friday/Saturday night text. Should I send him a text? Should I go out to the bar he is at? What should I say next?

Here is the guide to texting (to lead to potential sexting) according to $L#4:

Rule 1 - As girls, we cannot seem TOO eager to jump in the next cab you hail from the street and show up at the bar he is at. As such, appear aloof in your text message and undecided about plans. That way this keeps him guessing as to if you are going to show up and secure the cab ride/walk home bar close routine.

Rule 2 - We are allowed to initiate the weekend text first, however if the girl consistently initiates the text, then there is something else going on. The male then becomes dependent and just assumes that he can get in your pants whenever he decides to send that SMS your way. Take turns on the initiating and if he continues to initiate after you do, then you've really got yourself a potential male friend in the works.

Rule 3 - Drunk texting happens. Let's just be serious with this one.

Rule 4 - Be spontaneous and invite him to the bar YOU are going to. If he shows up with friends, he gets some points. If he shows up alone, MAJOR points. Unless he has ulterior motives and is on a one-man mission for a booty call. and finally....

Rule 5 - DON'T OVERTHINK. No matter how many times your friends proofread your text for the right 'connotations,' chances are the guy will not read into it too much. He will probably just read it and be like "yes! she is coming to the bar to meet up" or he will read your aloof text and become even more intrigued to know where you are hanging out that night.

$ingle lady #2: repeat offender?

One of my recent matches Bruce says "I am passionate about doing everything I can to help my girlfriend (if I have one of course) or make her feel loved and special" (Before you think he's way too lame, he did list some actual goals before this statement).

I'm sure this was just thrown in there to show that he's a super-attentive boyfriend, etc. etc. But this type of attitude perplexes me. It does not make me feel special, or that he would treat me like I am special. It makes me feel like he treats every girl the same, no matter who she is. It's a nice senitment but I still like to think that you make someone feel loved because you love that individual person, so your actions come naturally. Saying that, once you fill in the girlfriend blank with your new eH match, you will do everything you can to make her feel loved, is weird to me. Don't you have to decide if you love her first??

But, thinking about my own actions, I realize that I too, use all the same moves with every guy I like (maybe even my own D.E.N.N.I.S system?). First they will see I like golf! And guns! And trucks! Then, look, I like to cook and be girly and wear makeup and heels too! And I am a Republican who will do your dishes! And so it goes as I create my 'perfect woman' image. But, clearly, my moves aren't working. They might for a while, but not in terms of any long-term effect. So am I supposed to change up my system? Or would that mean changing who I am? That's scary because frankly, I don't have any other moves. I don't like kids or saving the whales or bunnies or Priuses.

So, you go Bruce. Work your B.R.U.C.E. system. Shower your new girlfriend with love and affection and make her feel special. Even if it's the same love with which you showered your last three girlfriends.

Well, that was weird

So, even though my (now ex) IMF and I had a date tomorrow night, he texted me at 9 tonight with the ever-ominous "hey, can you give me a call when you get a chance?" At the encouragement of roomie, I called immediately to get it over with. I felt like something was off all week, but he confirmed my suspicions with the craziest and most-awkward phone convo ever, in which he said he "tried to give me a chance," cuz I'm a "great girl," but he "just wasn't feeling it." So I did the mature, big-girl thing of saying "That's OK, thanks for being honest, bye!" And quickly hung up the phone.

That was weird. But I've learned a lot! (1) Not everyone you date turns into a relationship. (2) When your gut tells you something's off, you're probably right. (3) It's important to keep an open mind and date different kinds of people that may not be "your type" at a first glance. (4) You can't take it personally, even though it feels very personal. Everyone's in this to meet someone, and not every match is The Match. Eharmony commercials are not real life. And online dating is decidedly NOT like prom dress shopping, after all.

But here's the good thing about eharm: I had some real-world, fun dates, and now there are six other people who are communicating with me, and 25 matches in my folder, and five more delivered each day. I've got about a month left, and I intend to make the most of it. As roomie CK says, "now you can do whatever you want this weekend!" and as $L2 says, "Boys are retarded." I agree.

Here's to David, physician, 29,
$L6