$ingle lady #2 meets adults

Last night I got to hang out with my BFF's sister and her husband. They are recently married and have an adorable house on the main line in PA. She cooked me salmon and veggies and served wine and real appetizers on a cheese tray that apparently I gave her for their wedding (go me!).

Conversation flows from work to wedding to fear of small children to...eHarmony! Let me tell you - the married peeps loooooved hearing about online dating. The husband was all "what happens first?...then what?...then what?...fascinating!!" I brought up some points during the convo that I was very proud of, and that I hadn't put into words until last night. Examples include:

All of the boys ask you the SAME multiple choice questions. And all are an attempt to find out if you are a) clingy, and b) are going to make them do crap they don't want to do. I am always always asked the following:

-Which would you rather do on a Saturday night: Sporting event, ballet, dance club, stay home
-If I brought you to a party, would you: stay by my side, sit in the corner, strike out and make friends?
-Which of the following would you rather date: someone super busy, sometimes busy, always available
-How much personal space do you require: none, one night a week, equal together and alone time

Match after match, I always get these questions. Sometimes I just write in my own answer to the last question and say that I require mandatory hip-connection surgery after two dates. Like, relax, I'll leave you alone.

My next epiphany was the following analogy: Men on eHarmony are like clothes that are on sale. You know when you go to the department store, and like, EVERYTHING from BCBG is marked down 70% and an extra 30%? And you pull every adorable top and sexy dress just thinking OMG I'm going to buy so much awesome shit and it's all going to be totally free!!

And then you proceed to the dressing room and the first dress doesn't fit quite right...and the second is nice but kind of confused and where on Earth could you wear it? and the third top couldn't cover your boobs if your life depended on it...and then you realize - there's a reason this crap is on sale. No one bought it when it was a new arrival. It sadly sat on the rack and now they just want you to take it away to make room for the Spring collection. Wah. And you walk out with nothing.

Well, I think that maybe there is a reason these guys are on eH. Maybe they look cute on the hanger, or seem like a great deal. And I'm sure there is that one great guy if you are really diligent and scour the racks. But, something is just a tad off about them, and that is the reason they have yet to be purchased.

$ingle Lady #1: Pleather and $peed Dating

ADD is starting to kick in. I’m coming into the home stretch of my membership and eHarmz is starting to bore me. Today I went in and rapid fire closed 25 not-meant-to-bes, though I still refuse to use “I’m pursuing another relationship on eHarmony” as my Closing reason. I did initiate conversation with a guy named Kobe, 1) because that should be my name, and 2) because he’s wearing what appears to be a pleather jacket in his photo, and also with two or three other mehs.

In an effort to spice things up, a few friends and I are trying out the $peed dating cycle – what may become the evolution of online dating. Sadly, there’s an age requirement of 25, so we all had to lie. Then, we panicked because we’re concerned they’re going to check IDs. Fortunately, I still have my fake procured from a sketch basement bong/ID "store" in Toronto when I was 18, so I put in my birthday in the year 1982 (do the math), and requested my sister bring it to me from its hiding place in my childhood bedroom. Must relearn my zip code and re-Google my astrological sign in case the bouncer quizzes me. Stay tuned for three weeks, but in the meantime, check out:

http://www.hurrydate.com/index.cfm?fuseAction=frontEvents.eventDetails&id=9662&yourSex=f&partnerSex=m

Lawyerboy confirmed our impending Date #4 last night. He gets a huge thumbs up from every dood I work with since he’s taking me to Dave and Buster$ for a night of competitive arcade gaming. I told him I’m crafting my strategy. He told me he’s on to my “look pretty to distract him” move so don’t bother. [Insert awwwww here]. Sarah, book your tickets now and start practicing!

xo,
$L#1

$ingle lady #6 - Communication Fail

I will die if I allow myself to continue wondering why all of my matches have stalled out in various stages of communication. It's been a couple days since I've "sent my must haves and can't stands" or answered some open-ended (and extremely boring, btw) questions from a match.

Why are all my matches stalling at this stage? Is it because my questions are too wonky, or because my answers were overeager? Was I too excited when I told them that although it's cliche, I just love to travel, and that I think "rollerblading on the beach" sounds impossible to do? Is it because I answered Hilarious Michael after I had had a few beers on Friday night and scared him off? (Don't worry, I was supervised.)

Either way, both the semi-decent looking matches and the weird ones I just figured I would humor are all giving me the silent treatment. My "communicating" page has eight people listed as "waiting for response." I'm getting sad. This springlike weather makes me want to go drink on a patio with some new handsome stranger, and it's just not happening.

I know I need to calm down. The other $ingle ladiez had to wait a while before getting a great match and even getting a solid date. I'm just impatient. I want to send sassy and witty e-mails with strangers to make myself feel loved. Wah.

Somebody talk to me, please!,
$L6

P.S. I too got paired $L2's friends' roommate.
P.P.S. I too was once romantically involved with him.
P.P.P.S. YIKES!

$ingle lady #4: just OK

So after much planning, replanning and scheduling and rescheduling the date with Leo finally went down last night. I wasn't really in the date-y mood but I put on a good face and went. Also I was nervous? I didn't even really start contemplating the fact that I was going on a "first date" with someone I didn't know until about 15 minutes before I was supposed to meet him. In the past when embarking on a first date, I always knew the person or atleast hung out with them prior to the first date. It had helped that we had spoken via gchat beforehand but still, I didn't want to be "that awkward eHarmz date in Panera" situation and have the people and bartenders judging me.

So I've decided to provide a rundown of the date, in the fashion of the NYMag Gossip Girl blog:

The Good....

- We had plenty to talk about. Plus 5. I hate awkward silences. Resulting in a 3 hour long date, somewhat promising.

- We come from similar families/backgrounds. Plus 3. I don't want to be dealing with any crazy in-laws or a big fat greek wedding situation.

- We had similar college experiences. Plus 5. Thus ensued an extensive discussion about frats/sororities, raging and study abroad.

- We have similar tastes in music and other interests/activities. Plus 8, since my musical tastes are eclectic and I enjoy when someone can appreciate it.

The Not So Good....

- Slampiece photo was 88% accurate. Minus 1, because he probably just picked his best photos for eHarmz, as we all guilty of this. Not to mention I'm sure I was looking less than desirable after the way work has been going.

- He used the term "little boy's room" when indicating that he was going to the bathroom. Minus 50, since I hate this phrase. But since it was the first date I won't harp on it too much.

- He is a YANKEES fan. Minus 100000000000000. For anyone born and raised in Boston, this is an immediate deal breaker. But I cannot close him on eHarmz citing the reason as being, "you are a yankees fan and thus dead to me. you basically root for the devil of baseball."

- Already brought up past relationships. Minus 5, since this is kind of strange to start getting into on your first date. That's more of a conversation to have (or not) when you are already in a committed relationship.

- He used some other quirky comments that made me sort of judge him as a toolbag. Minus 8, because it made sort of uncomfortable. However per discussion with $L1, she encouraged me to give it another date to really put that label on him.

Overall I would give the date a B. It wasn't a "fireworks, out of the park, we really have a spark here" date. But it wasn't also a "I have to fake an emergency call to get out of here" date either. He has friends in town the rest of the week/weekend, so potential second date will not occur until next week at the earliest. $L1 encouraged me to give it another shot and go out with him again, which I think I will do, so I can justify my ROI (i love accounting terms). Also because I think eHarmz forgot that I was a registered member and has not provided me any new matches since this weekend.

I am also beginning to get frustrated that almost all of my new matches have their pictures hidden! I got curious the other day and decided to see what happened when I requested their photo. Now, I just assumed that it was similar to friending someone on facebook. You click on the "request this person at a friend button" and then facebook asks you AGAIN are you sure you want to request? I applied this same logic to requesting a photo. Boy was I wrong. When you click on "request photo" the request immediately goes through! I wasn't even sure if I liked the profile of the guy. But now I have a request for eHarmz email communication all because I "photo nudged" him. If I had known this I would never have requested it. Embarrassing.

$ingle lady #2 and the work trip

Enter the work trip and the out-of-town $ingle lady. How is she supposed to cultivate and nurture a budding eHarmony romance when she is MIA for 9 days? It is $ingle lady #2's eternal struggle: "absence makes the heart grow fonder" VS. "out of sight, out of mind." It's a delicate balance really. I contend that after only 1-2 dates, you will know if this is a person you care to see again. But if you don't see them for Date #3 after 2 weeks, this romance can easily fizzle out. You need time to ignite the spark so that the flame, dull as it may be, can continue burning despite a 9-day hiatus.

So, yeah, I'm out of town for work. BUT I'm also staying with my wonderful friend and we are having a lesbian-good-time. AND this weekend I have a bridal shower and bachelorette party. So if the CC flame fizzles, I'll get over it. After all, he's not packing me delicious lunches including greek yogurt and Yodels (apparently they are called Swiss Rolls when you aren't from NJ) or cooking me salmon with butternut squash for dinner...my lovely host is doing these things.

However since CC did take me to two dinners (and pay for me), I told him that I owed him a delicious dinner. He said he would hold me to it, so we'll see. I hope I get the opportunity to play Giada and prance around in my apron...maybe I'll even make $L#6's fifth date chicken!

Loving my temporary window office,
$L#2

$ingle Lady #1 and the lost art of the phone call

Real Doods use phones. Not just for texting and bbming, but for what God and Alexander Graham Bell intended. Admittedly, as a $ingle Lady of the "Millenials" generation, I'm 1000% behind texting because:

1) I live in NYC. It's loud, literally everywhere. I sometimes can't hear even in my apartment, particularly at 3 am on garbage night(s).

2) You can't winky face in a phone call. Hard as I try...

3) I keep odd hours, since I'm really a vampire. I don't really sleep a lot so it's likely that my free phone time is between 10 pm and 1 am, and 6 am and 8 am...and only if you're willing to chat while I'm on the treadmill or have DVR on silent in the background.

However, because of the onslaught of texting, the phone call, and especially the voicemail, has become a lost art. In general, I'm a very skilled voicemail leaver. Most of my workday is spent on the phone, receiving and leaving voicemails for clients and sales reps. It's a source of pride.

Enter Monday night, with a missed call from lawyerboy. Perfectly orchestrated vm asking about my day, giving breezy details on his, and requesting date #4. Well balanced between actual conversation starters and actionable plan making, I must admit, I was impressed, but then I remembered that he's a real grown up so of course he knows how to leave a good voicemail. Cell phones weren't even invented yet in his impressionable youth when one learns etiquette. Of course, as the mature adult I am, I responded via text (defense: still at the office) that I was just leaving and needed to go work out and my phone was dying (truth and truth), but that I would call him Tuesday. Then, got home, realized the gym was a crazy idea, charged my phone, and decided I didn't want to make a liar out of myself (because he would definitely remember that I said I was going to work out and ask me how it went, and anyone who knows me knows I'm a TERRIBLE liar). So I called and left definitely the worst voicemail of my entire life. For some reason, I was totally flustered and really just stammered out three sentences and hung up.

Now I'm in a pickle (ooo this is a lonnnng post today!). I talked out of both sides of my mouth and it came back to bite me in the a$$. I said I'd call him tomorrow (in writing! and he's a lawyer!) but then called that night. Was I still on the hook to call the next day? In the holy words of the $ingle Ladies goddess, Blair Waldorf, "Everybody needs to play games." (PS. thank goodness GG is back!!) Therefore, I can't make two unanswered reachouts of communication. Ugh.

Editor's Note: This was a two-day entry. Meanwhile, last night, he did call. We chatted (I even paused 16 & Pregnant instead of just putting it on mute...a courtesy I don't always even extend to my parents [sorry Mom]) and made dinner plans for Sunday. I even admitted that I had a good day and my reward was a dinner of Spaghettios and Butterfinger ice cream. He's pumped that he's now in possession of the knowledge that I'm a cheap date.

xo,
$L#1

$L#6 hates traffic and blizzards and girlfriends

OK, I'll admit it. I was maybe sorta a little bit trying to trick karma by signing up for the dating Web site thingie.

My life follows a few rules:

1. If I buy something, it will immediately go on sale. [Also in this category: If I change lanes on the highway, the other will go faster; If I go one way to avoid traffic, the other route will spontaneously burst into flames or something; If I set my alarm really early to get up and be productive, I'll forget to turn it on.]
2. If I plan a trip somewhere fun, it will blizzard in departure location and get canceled. [Or, If I go to Miami, it will rain and be cloudy for the only five days of the year it is ever rainy and cloudy there.]
3. If I like you, you have a girlfriend.
4. If you like me, you have a girlfriend.
5. If I get invited to do something fun, there is a 100% chance that I will also get invited to do something else fun on that same day. And I won't be able to go. And I also won't have anything else on my calendar, at all, for the preceding and subsequent six months.

I was hoping to add my namesake's number 6 to this list: If I sign up for online dating, I will meet the man of my dreams in a bar and therefore have wasted my hard-earned money.

Well, no such luck in this first weekend; I succeeded only in again falling in love with someone who has a girlfriend. Shocker!

My eHarmz updates: I went on a closing spree and closed all the matches I knew I wouldn't be interested in and was too lazy to continue pleasantries with. Someone closed me and I was offended even though he had some dealbreakers in his profile because like, wtf? I am playing question game with a few people but still think eHarmony is holding out on some sweet matches for me that it is saving for a rainy day. I am being actively ignored by people that $L2 has already dated and I'm getting impatient.

Ever the optimist, there's still plenty of time,
$L6