$ingle Lady #1: I'm back!!!

Don't worry loyal readers, I won't leave you out in the cold just yet.

With IMF solidly off the table, my blogging experience has to be limited to the other $ketchy things that happen in my life. Let's begin with $peed Dating!

So long ago and far away, on the eve of April Fools, I journey to a land called Murray Hill with some $keptical co-workers and friends to try our hand at $peed Dating. Much like internet dating, it's a phenomenon nation-wide that is largely misunderstood, and I wish I could say, mis-hated-on. Unfortunately, every stereotype you can imagine for $peed daters is totally true. It was really a bunch of misfits who had to awkwardly sit opposite each other and talk about the same thing every 4 minutes for 2 hours. True to form, there were wayyy more women than men (which prompted them to offer me a free future session to compensate...score!), the men were wayyy older and woofer than men in the Real World, and the air reeked of desperation. Sure, we were there too...label us as you will, but of the 10ish men I "dated" that night, zero came in as a "yes."

The format is simple. Women sit in one place all night. This is key for the waitress to be able to find you to constantly refill your bevvie. Men switch every 4 minutes. We were an intimidating bunch, 5 of us in a row, and the men braved it nicely. In the span of those 4 minutes my first "date" mentioned the words "murder," "pedophile," and "drug dealer." Friend J (his next...victim?) immediately circled "N" (no interest) before he even got a chance to open his mouth to her. Date #3 high-fived me 4 times in 4 minutes. Excellent ratio, and almost scored him a "Y" (as in...yes, I'd like to pursue you further). Date #7 and I had the makings of a nasty fight about the Dove Self-Esteem Fund until the whistle blew and saved us (he was a Victoria's Secret graphic designer...I obviously felt the need to defend Real women everywhere). N, N, N, N, N, N, you get the picture. Particularly flattering was a foreign gentleman who spoke no English and required just a polite head-nod to encourage him to continue talking in gibberish for the entire 4 minutes. The only line I caught was as he sat down, he looked me up and down and mumbled "Yes, definitely Yes." Eww.

What a drag, but fortunately the pre-$peed dating shots kicked in early and we stayed to hang out as a group for a bit. Still no date potential but it was better than the awkward between-whistle made up conversation we'd been having. After several more drinks at our own private "after party" across the street, I convinced IMF to meet me for a late night drink at a different bar where I immediately confessed where I'd been in an effort to make him a little jealous.

Curiosity killed my cat and I actually checked out my profile the next day. I'm flattered to report that 5 dudes "Yes-ed" me to the next round (including the creepy foreign man! And my high-fiver!!). Also confirmed what I already knew...that they were all older than the "max age limit" which thereby totally justified that we had to lie and age ourselves up to be able to go.

Overall $peed Dating as a potential matchmaking opportunity? Not a chance. You're better off sidling up to that $exy $tranger on the Metro...

xo,
$L#1