This morning I discovered an unassuming little tab called "Reports" on my eH homepage. What's this, I wonder. Looks like the results of my personality profile...turns out the 100's of questions I answered didn't just disappear into cyberspace on a mission to find me the perfect man. Here it is for me to see - sort of a glorified Myers-Briggs. I begin with "Agreeableness" and can't believe how much I think it sounds like me. I've been classified as "Taking care of yourself" rather than "Taking care of others," and words to describe me include "frank," "critical" and "skeptical" (in case there is any doubt, I am thrilled at these results...I'm not sure when I decided it was my goal in life to be totally cauloused). I go on to read about the "general description of how you interact with others," and it's pretty much a summary of my political beliefs:
"See, at heart you believe deeply in personal freedom and individual responsibility. You think it is vital that people learn to take care of themselves so that they don't become dependent upon others. You believe that actions have consequences, and people need to accept the consequences of their actions if they are to learn from their mistakes and grow. You believe you wouldn't be doing anyone a favor if you lift someone out of trouble; they will never learn to lift themselves up if you keep rescuing them."
Sorry, sorry, don't stop following the blog because I'm a crazy Repub.
Moving on...there are 5 domains and 2 others were expected - apparently I am "focused" and not "flexible," and "outgoing" as opposed to "reserved." But THEN I keep going and eH thinks that I am...gasp..."open-minded" and "emotional?" WTF, eHarmony, you are ruining my self-worth. I want to be icy and tough, and this just sounds like fluffy bunnies running through a field of daiseys. Blah.
- $L2
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
$ingle Lady #1: January 7, and I've already internet dated all available NYC men
I typically screen my work phone calls, particularly when they come from an -800 number. Once I answered it and got suckered into a 25 minute argument about why I wouldn’t buy advertising on dogandcat.com. (Now, actually going to that URL, I think it may have been a scam…probably why the lady was so insistent). So when an -888 number (isn’t that the code for the late night “local singles” porn numbers?) dialed in at about 10:30 am yesterday I hit “Ignore” to send it to voicemail. Oops. It was my bank, telling me they had a sketchy charge on my card and if I didn’t call back by noon, they’d freeze my account. At 5:58 when I finally checked the message, I called the automated service to verify my charges, only to discover that eHarmony charges as “Miscellaneous Personal Services.” My boss thinks it’s so people can cheat on their spouses without being found out. I’m just thrilled that Wachovia now thinks I’m paying for porn (or worse!) at 10:30 am at work. Excellent.
But I digress. By now I’ve come to look forward to my morning emails. Browsing an average of 10 new potential matches like a Banana Republic catalog is a pretty good kick-start to my day (though it’s still got nothin on crowd-scanning for Lenny on the Today Show). However, I’m astounded to discover that there are apparently only 50 compatible men in all of NYC proper. This morning (6 days in!?) my matches were all from far off lands called Suffern, NY and Oradell, New Jersey. Last time I checked, those were not NYC boroughs.
Have subway pass. Will travel? I think not.
Xo,
$ingle Lady #1
But I digress. By now I’ve come to look forward to my morning emails. Browsing an average of 10 new potential matches like a Banana Republic catalog is a pretty good kick-start to my day (though it’s still got nothin on crowd-scanning for Lenny on the Today Show). However, I’m astounded to discover that there are apparently only 50 compatible men in all of NYC proper. This morning (6 days in!?) my matches were all from far off lands called Suffern, NY and Oradell, New Jersey. Last time I checked, those were not NYC boroughs.
Have subway pass. Will travel? I think not.
Xo,
$ingle Lady #1
$ingle lady #2: He's just not that into you
Many people are aware that I don't like (most) chick flicks...or, I tend to yell throughout the movie pointing out plot holes, etc. Meanwhile, The Terminator clearly is a perfectly woven storyline that is completely plausible and fool-proof. So, needless to say, I did not see "He's Just Not That Into You." However, I do have this book on my bookshelf and was enlightened by it many moons ago. The theme of the book is actually so anti-chick flick: if he's not calling you (and a slew of other things), guess what, he doesn't like you. That's it. No "his mom didn't love him enough so he's afraid to get close," "he's really superstitious and hates the number 7 so he can't dial my phone number," or any other excuse that we girls lay awake at night dreaming up.
eHarmz is actually a great lesson in HJNTIY. If someone doesn't like you, they close communication. Sure you can indicate "Our values are too different" or "I think the physical distance between us is too great" (which I was informed actually had to do with location, not inequality in your physical appearances...). But overall, that's just it. I'm not going to lose sleep over a closed communication, or go out for coffee with my friends to discuss what Matt from Arlington could have possibly meant by "OTHER." Maybe it's because I'm only in the beginning stages...I'm sure if I had months of witty banter with someone via eH messages and awoke one morning to find he was "Pursuing another match at eHarmony" I might feel a twinge of disappointment. But when you think that you never would have known these guys** even existed in the first place, it's hard to get too bent out of shape about it.
**As a sidenote, several guys I know like to use the term "broads" when talking about girls, which I find amusing. I've been trying to think of the boy equivalent of "broad" but I can't. Dude? Lad? Feller? Bloke? Suggestions welcome.
Big gulps eh? Welp, seee ya later!
-Single Lady #2
eHarmz is actually a great lesson in HJNTIY. If someone doesn't like you, they close communication. Sure you can indicate "Our values are too different" or "I think the physical distance between us is too great" (which I was informed actually had to do with location, not inequality in your physical appearances...). But overall, that's just it. I'm not going to lose sleep over a closed communication, or go out for coffee with my friends to discuss what Matt from Arlington could have possibly meant by "OTHER." Maybe it's because I'm only in the beginning stages...I'm sure if I had months of witty banter with someone via eH messages and awoke one morning to find he was "Pursuing another match at eHarmony" I might feel a twinge of disappointment. But when you think that you never would have known these guys** even existed in the first place, it's hard to get too bent out of shape about it.
**As a sidenote, several guys I know like to use the term "broads" when talking about girls, which I find amusing. I've been trying to think of the boy equivalent of "broad" but I can't. Dude? Lad? Feller? Bloke? Suggestions welcome.
Big gulps eh? Welp, seee ya later!
-Single Lady #2
$ingle lady #2: Oh thank God, I'm shallow again
Yesterday I thought, this is really nice. I'm totally finding out which guys I think are funny, interesting, etc. without knowing what they look like. I'm going to be a new woman this decade!! ...But then, I got the photos. Sheesh, eHarmony. Has anyone heard of this dating site (they've been kicking people out for gaining too much weight over the holidays): http://beautifulpeople.com/. Their tagline: "No more filtering through unattractive people on mainstream sites." Yeah, RUB IT IN.
Good news though, one guy, Ben aka Starfish, is SLAMPIECE (word of the day). Roomie J had this to say:
J: omg he is SO hot
J: he has that nice aryan race quality to him
J: i also like his cup of beer. to show his fun side.
J: ok i'm going and then to the gym. and then home to look at ben
J: he looks like he could carry our tv stand with one arm
Yah...we like Ben. Tonight I went bowling (whee!) with some friends, and they informed me that for tonight's post I wasn't allowed to put up pictures of the ugly guys. Awww shoot, really!? I suggested next, what about a matching game? Match the guys to their pics, like the dreaded test question style when you weren't prepared for an AP history test and the teacher told you that each choice could be used more than once or not at all. Again I was told that no, these guys weren't permitting their photos to be used for my blog, blah blah blah. Fine. I thought the charm of $L2's posts were that I'm just a tad mean. I guess the multiple choice photos would cross the line.
Nighty night, love #2
Good news though, one guy, Ben aka Starfish, is SLAMPIECE (word of the day). Roomie J had this to say:
J: omg he is SO hot
J: he has that nice aryan race quality to him
J: i also like his cup of beer. to show his fun side.
J: ok i'm going and then to the gym. and then home to look at ben
J: he looks like he could carry our tv stand with one arm
Yah...we like Ben. Tonight I went bowling (whee!) with some friends, and they informed me that for tonight's post I wasn't allowed to put up pictures of the ugly guys. Awww shoot, really!? I suggested next, what about a matching game? Match the guys to their pics, like the dreaded test question style when you weren't prepared for an AP history test and the teacher told you that each choice could be used more than once or not at all. Again I was told that no, these guys weren't permitting their photos to be used for my blog, blah blah blah. Fine. I thought the charm of $L2's posts were that I'm just a tad mean. I guess the multiple choice photos would cross the line.
Nighty night, love #2
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
$ingle Lady #3: What kind of vegetable are you?
It is with disappointment that I report that an e-harmony membership is not in the cards. Yet another unfortunate byproduct of being newly single (and thus in a new, big girl apartment) is that rent tends to quadruple, and if given the choice between my regular dinner size portion of frosted mini-wheats and a one hundred and twenty dollar membership to e-harmony I will choose dinner every time. I love mini-wheats.
With this in mind, the topics of my posts will, in turn, be relegated to social interaction of the face to face kind, or some variant thereof. In college, my friends and spent many an hour playing one of our favorite games “What kind of vegetable are they?” – it was the genius offspring of yet another of our favorite games “1-2-3-Chug” (which consisted of little more than locking ourselves in a closet with a keg and (shocker) saying 1-2-3-Chug). Inevitably, if you spend enough…or too much…. time with people (perhaps locked in a closet with beer?), it begins to make total sense to say that so and so is, without a doubt, a potato, while that guy over there, he is definitely a carrot. I challenge you – don’t knock it till you try it – you will soon see your own group of friends as a well-rounded representation of the produce section at your local grocery. Likewise, you are blessed if you find yourself a member of the 64-count box of Crayola crayons. Rather than beginning with vegetables, try colors – it might be easier for the novice to imagine that our friend F could be no other color than charcoal gray – it makes total sense. Obviously we played this game too. It is with dismay that I didn’t remember these all too revealing questions while free harmony was an option. Most certainly, the questions to all potential mates would have followed: What vegetable would your friends describe you as? (Which is, note, a drastically different question than if you could be any vegetable what would you be?) What color would people say you are? And lastly, but most importantly, do you have a 64-box of crayons or the 99 cent 8-box variety?
What brought me to these magical memories today? Yet another epiphany. I know - I’m full of them. But I have honestly been struggling with the nice guy dilemma. It is truly troubling to a female to think that she may not like nice boys. Makes you feel like a bad person, yaddi yaddi yada. Today, however, I had a blinding moment of self-revelation. One point scored for me. It is not the relative niceness of these men that is so troubling – it is the overflowing cup of joy and jubilation that surrounds some of you. Happiness. Yuck. So much happiness it makes me throw up a little in my mouth. If you were a shape, Mr. Nice Guy, you would be a fluffy cloud. If I had to come up with something off the top of my head, which I am because I don’t think we ever made it to the shape game, I might describe myself as more of an octagon. You, Nice Guy, are pink cotton candy and sweet baby lambs. I merely point out that if ever in a situation where some total whack job gets hit by a car in the middle of the street because she is acting like a drunk dumbass I need you to , with me (after calling the ambulance, of course), empathize about how the aforementioned girl is totally off her rocker, that’s all. I mean, she is – she stood in front of a moving automobile and was in no way trying to harm herself. That is crazy, and we need to be able to talk about it. FYI – this girl does exist and she is fine, I am not so horrible as to speak ill of the dead, only if you are alive. Where will I meet this dream man without e-harmony? I think I’ll start in the produce section.
With this in mind, the topics of my posts will, in turn, be relegated to social interaction of the face to face kind, or some variant thereof. In college, my friends and spent many an hour playing one of our favorite games “What kind of vegetable are they?” – it was the genius offspring of yet another of our favorite games “1-2-3-Chug” (which consisted of little more than locking ourselves in a closet with a keg and (shocker) saying 1-2-3-Chug). Inevitably, if you spend enough…or too much…. time with people (perhaps locked in a closet with beer?), it begins to make total sense to say that so and so is, without a doubt, a potato, while that guy over there, he is definitely a carrot. I challenge you – don’t knock it till you try it – you will soon see your own group of friends as a well-rounded representation of the produce section at your local grocery. Likewise, you are blessed if you find yourself a member of the 64-count box of Crayola crayons. Rather than beginning with vegetables, try colors – it might be easier for the novice to imagine that our friend F could be no other color than charcoal gray – it makes total sense. Obviously we played this game too. It is with dismay that I didn’t remember these all too revealing questions while free harmony was an option. Most certainly, the questions to all potential mates would have followed: What vegetable would your friends describe you as? (Which is, note, a drastically different question than if you could be any vegetable what would you be?) What color would people say you are? And lastly, but most importantly, do you have a 64-box of crayons or the 99 cent 8-box variety?
What brought me to these magical memories today? Yet another epiphany. I know - I’m full of them. But I have honestly been struggling with the nice guy dilemma. It is truly troubling to a female to think that she may not like nice boys. Makes you feel like a bad person, yaddi yaddi yada. Today, however, I had a blinding moment of self-revelation. One point scored for me. It is not the relative niceness of these men that is so troubling – it is the overflowing cup of joy and jubilation that surrounds some of you. Happiness. Yuck. So much happiness it makes me throw up a little in my mouth. If you were a shape, Mr. Nice Guy, you would be a fluffy cloud. If I had to come up with something off the top of my head, which I am because I don’t think we ever made it to the shape game, I might describe myself as more of an octagon. You, Nice Guy, are pink cotton candy and sweet baby lambs. I merely point out that if ever in a situation where some total whack job gets hit by a car in the middle of the street because she is acting like a drunk dumbass I need you to , with me (after calling the ambulance, of course), empathize about how the aforementioned girl is totally off her rocker, that’s all. I mean, she is – she stood in front of a moving automobile and was in no way trying to harm herself. That is crazy, and we need to be able to talk about it. FYI – this girl does exist and she is fine, I am not so horrible as to speak ill of the dead, only if you are alive. Where will I meet this dream man without e-harmony? I think I’ll start in the produce section.
$ingle lady #2: 80%...maybe not
So I said 80%...maybe I was wrong.
Subscribed. Got photos. WOOF.
Compulsively closing communications.
xoxo,
forever $ingle lady #2
Subscribed. Got photos. WOOF.
Compulsively closing communications.
xoxo,
forever $ingle lady #2
$ingle Lady #1: It's official!
Ok. I did it. $120 later and I'm an official subscriber to eHarmony.com. Basic subscription (let's not get too crazy) so I can view photos and send communication at will. A simple $10 upgrade would have gotten me some kind of through-the-internet "immediate" phone call. I dare to dream. I'd like to thank my Nana for the funds, who very nicely invited me once to Singles Night at her Presbyterian church (read: in Baltimore, hundreds of miles away) in I think, an effort to marry me off. Maybe I'll put it in the Christmas check thank you note?
I judge books by covers. Wandering through Barnes and Noble I'll never fail to pick up the book that is medium sized, paperback, and has a pink cover. It usually means that it'll be about shopping, or fashion, or a really great trashy romance novel. It's reason #1 I opted out of the About Me question "last great book you read and why" (although, one of my matches...can't exactly keep them straight...just finished The Blind Side which is my all-time favorite movie EVER). I do read meaningful books, usually when someone in book club suggests them, but typically I treat my reading like I treat my preferred TV. Vapid and shallow.
So I was like a kid on Christmas morning when FINALLY, eHarmony unlocked that teasing photo option and opened the floodgates for 15 minutes of rapid fire browsing. I was sorely disappointed. Neal has potential (but is also addicted to sex...bummer), but for the most part, I see why these guys are internet dating. They're the Radio DJ to a bar prospect's TV personality. You gasp in horror at my honesty (is it out loud if it's typed? If a tree falls in the forest...?) You accuse me of being mean and shallow. You throw at me that I thought they had great potential when I saw their personality before their face. How important is physical attraction?
Ryan, 28, New York, United States, picked me up on eHarmony the way a guy picks up a girl in a bar. He skipped all the preliminaries and sent me an ice-breaker: "Great pic, Would love to see more photos!" Photos is blue and underlined, and takes me straight to his 4 glamour shots. In one of them, he's hoisting 2 girls in the air at once. He's eh, but I'm realistic enough to know how I feel about this process to be flattered that he thinks I'm hot (in my totally undoctored, non-Googled imaged face shot. I swear). Plus, based on the two-girl-lift photo I'm pretty sure he's actually Ronnie from Jersey Shore and am willing to throw that one a bone.
Given that I've got 90 days (180 if I forget to turn off the "auto renew" button), I'm going to slow it down a little. These stages of communication are fun enough, but at some point (as my mom so quickly pointed out to me) these guys are looking for a real relationship. Her actual suggestion was for me to go back and re-watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Please, I can quote every line in that movie. BTW Mom, totally lovin that I'm being equated to Kate Hudson! But, as usual as my Official Moral Compass, she's right.
Don't worry - this doesn't mean the blog posts will stop!
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
I judge books by covers. Wandering through Barnes and Noble I'll never fail to pick up the book that is medium sized, paperback, and has a pink cover. It usually means that it'll be about shopping, or fashion, or a really great trashy romance novel. It's reason #1 I opted out of the About Me question "last great book you read and why" (although, one of my matches...can't exactly keep them straight...just finished The Blind Side which is my all-time favorite movie EVER). I do read meaningful books, usually when someone in book club suggests them, but typically I treat my reading like I treat my preferred TV. Vapid and shallow.
So I was like a kid on Christmas morning when FINALLY, eHarmony unlocked that teasing photo option and opened the floodgates for 15 minutes of rapid fire browsing. I was sorely disappointed. Neal has potential (but is also addicted to sex...bummer), but for the most part, I see why these guys are internet dating. They're the Radio DJ to a bar prospect's TV personality. You gasp in horror at my honesty (is it out loud if it's typed? If a tree falls in the forest...?) You accuse me of being mean and shallow. You throw at me that I thought they had great potential when I saw their personality before their face. How important is physical attraction?
Ryan, 28, New York, United States, picked me up on eHarmony the way a guy picks up a girl in a bar. He skipped all the preliminaries and sent me an ice-breaker: "Great pic, Would love to see more photos!" Photos is blue and underlined, and takes me straight to his 4 glamour shots. In one of them, he's hoisting 2 girls in the air at once. He's eh, but I'm realistic enough to know how I feel about this process to be flattered that he thinks I'm hot (in my totally undoctored, non-Googled imaged face shot. I swear). Plus, based on the two-girl-lift photo I'm pretty sure he's actually Ronnie from Jersey Shore and am willing to throw that one a bone.
Given that I've got 90 days (180 if I forget to turn off the "auto renew" button), I'm going to slow it down a little. These stages of communication are fun enough, but at some point (as my mom so quickly pointed out to me) these guys are looking for a real relationship. Her actual suggestion was for me to go back and re-watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Please, I can quote every line in that movie. BTW Mom, totally lovin that I'm being equated to Kate Hudson! But, as usual as my Official Moral Compass, she's right.
Don't worry - this doesn't mean the blog posts will stop!
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
$ingle lady #2: Wordsmithing
When asking open-ended questions of my potential 'soul mates' (cue gag reflex), I have used one every time: "Tell me about a word that you have made up or changed the meaning of. Define and use in a sentence."
**Note: it bothers me that I do not ask "of which you have changed the meaning," but I just felt a little too grammar nazi to do so...
This question is important to me because most of my day is spent exchanging words with my friends in a language that only we understand. Some examples include:
"It's really sea bass in here." Read: it's cold aka chilly aka Chilean sea bass
"This feep in my office ate the last donut." Read: fat person aka fat peep aka feep
"APM." Short for "almost pooing myself," created to express "LOL" without uttering those terrible letters.
I could go on and on. Anyway, I wanted to see if my future man could relate to such a silly pastime.
M#2 said: "Verbing. To take a word that is normally a noun and use it as the verb of a sentence. Ex. Text me your email." He went on to say some funnier things like making fun of those who say they "summer" somewhere, but an overall YAWN.
Jay said: "Stiplify...it's the combination of Stipulate and Specify. In a sentence: They need to stiplify the terms of the contract before they can close the deal." Okay, as someone who sort of loved George W. I can't get down with this blatant ripoff of "strategery."
But! Ben (who I had written off) said: "The first thing that comes to mind is 'starfish' because my roomates were using it to describe girls that just aren't that 'into it' in the bedroom. So in the morning when I ask if they had a good night and they simply reply with with 'starfish', I know it didn't go well." Original, and descriptive. I could see myself working 'starfish' into our vocab.
I'm sure my mate's ability to create ridiculous words actually has no bearing on whether or not we'll live happily ever after. But I'm only 24 and I figure that for now, it's important to me. Maybe I should be looking for someone who is "warm hearted" or "someone I can bond with on an emotional level" (WARNING: actual answers from supposed straight men). But for now I feel the same as Mr. Big: you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh.
$ingle Lady #1: SPSS - The Art of Statistically Significant Dating
SPSS. Yuck. Presumably anyone who pursued a degree in the Social Sciences has at once point, encountered this program. Hypothesize. Input data. Achieve or don't achieve an answer with a certain level of mathematical faith that the answer is correct. Can you achieve a critical p-value in online dating?
Blind Population: no subscription, no photos, no exceptions. Sad face from an attraction perspective, but is forcing me to judge the book before the cover.
Consistent Questions: I haven't altered my original Cosmo quiz questions, must-haves-and-can't-stands, or my open ended questions.
"Guided" Random Selection: Officially eHarmony is orchestrating selection, based on my lack of stability, excess of energy, and midrange affection, but as far as I'm concerned..it's all random.
eHarmony places a high level of mathematical "faith" in dating. They hypothesize a match based on 39 (50? 1 million?) "areas of compatibility." They test the hypothesis by introducing the couple. Variables such as values, attitudes towards work, and (gasp) open-ended questions are introduced as each level is qualified as containing a significant enough p-value to continue on.
RomComs lead us to believe love is found in intangibles like fate, chance meetings and tall/dark/tousled-curls/handsome strangers. But does U+Me really = Us (Calculus)?
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
Blind Population: no subscription, no photos, no exceptions. Sad face from an attraction perspective, but is forcing me to judge the book before the cover.
Consistent Questions: I haven't altered my original Cosmo quiz questions, must-haves-and-can't-stands, or my open ended questions.
"Guided" Random Selection: Officially eHarmony is orchestrating selection, based on my lack of stability, excess of energy, and midrange affection, but as far as I'm concerned..it's all random.
eHarmony places a high level of mathematical "faith" in dating. They hypothesize a match based on 39 (50? 1 million?) "areas of compatibility." They test the hypothesis by introducing the couple. Variables such as values, attitudes towards work, and (gasp) open-ended questions are introduced as each level is qualified as containing a significant enough p-value to continue on.
RomComs lead us to believe love is found in intangibles like fate, chance meetings and tall/dark/tousled-curls/handsome strangers. But does U+Me really = Us (Calculus)?
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
$ingle Lady #3: Are you there James, it’s me…….
I do not believe I am a bum, but I am too lazy to be single. Indeed, single ladies one and two are even more diligent about their blog posts than this gal over here. I have not made it past guided communication with any of my free matches. It’s true; the lengthy list of must-haves that I must choose from is just too much for me. Likewise, my dating profile consists of six words. E-harmony requires essays. Essays? No way, I wrote my thesis and vowed never to write like that again – I certainly won’t do it for the sake of internet communication. To be frank, I am surprised these men want to communicate in any sort of guided way with “yoga, running, art, books, dogs, and languages” (that sounds like the sections of a book store, not a person). Indeed, I am even skeptical about the “normal” men who express an interest because via my lazy dating profile I look not only to be a boring sixty year old retiree (creepy fetishes anyone?), but like a walking cliché.
Thus, I arrived at my epiphany as I drove home this evening. I would like to date James Bond. Unrealistic, yes, but I think I’m holding out – I’m certainly saying screw your essays e-harmony. To back track, I love James, more specifically Roger Moore, but I’m an equal opportunity fanatic. My friends have not seen me on a holiday in at least seven years as a result of the infamous holiday Bondathon on spike TV. How did I get here, you ask? My question to myself involved the age old cliché that girls go for bad boys. Is this true? No way #3, I said to myself, your dream guy wears suspenders…………..and drives you on his motorcycle to Crate & Barrel – uh oh, I’m in trouble. My fantasy man wears a tux while he wrestles sharks and I’m pretty sure that does not exist, which does not bode well for the realistic possibility of encountering the motorcycle driving, suspender wearing Crate & Barrel lover I envision myself with. My question is, do you settle for the nice guy? Obviously, e-harmony is not for me, which limits my current love matches to something I can count on one hand…..or not count at all. Sad, I know, but unfortunately my current social interaction with the opposite sex is limited largely to women, as my professional specialty is a part of the female anatomy that most men only enjoy in their leisure. Pickings are slim for single lady numero tres, which puts the nice guy you would have once tossed to the wind in a new light. My new question is: should we reverse the cliché? Do guys find themselves attracted to bad girls? I do not wrestle sharks, nor do I drive a motorcycle – I am, in fact, deathly afraid of heights and bugs (I trap them under Margarita glasses and let them die a slow, agonizing death rather than pick them up and kill them – two crickets are currently slowly suffocating on my living room floor) – but I would not chalk myself up to the good girls. I have indulged in a few too many late night sessions of flashdancing with sidewalk chalk on my face semi-blacked out…… a few too many questionable “gatherings” with friends in the basements of fraternity lodges……to believe that I am of the class that you, Mr. I Always Floss My Teeth Even if I Won’t Remember It the Next Morning, can say you are honestly attracted to. I guess that means it’s all or nothing James B. – we are soul mates, and I can’t say that deep down I didn’t know it all along. In the spirit of being open-minded, however, I will currently settle for anyone willing to watch the next holiday Bondathon with me, especially if we can do it in a fort we built in my living room out of couch cushions.
Thus, I arrived at my epiphany as I drove home this evening. I would like to date James Bond. Unrealistic, yes, but I think I’m holding out – I’m certainly saying screw your essays e-harmony. To back track, I love James, more specifically Roger Moore, but I’m an equal opportunity fanatic. My friends have not seen me on a holiday in at least seven years as a result of the infamous holiday Bondathon on spike TV. How did I get here, you ask? My question to myself involved the age old cliché that girls go for bad boys. Is this true? No way #3, I said to myself, your dream guy wears suspenders…………..and drives you on his motorcycle to Crate & Barrel – uh oh, I’m in trouble. My fantasy man wears a tux while he wrestles sharks and I’m pretty sure that does not exist, which does not bode well for the realistic possibility of encountering the motorcycle driving, suspender wearing Crate & Barrel lover I envision myself with. My question is, do you settle for the nice guy? Obviously, e-harmony is not for me, which limits my current love matches to something I can count on one hand…..or not count at all. Sad, I know, but unfortunately my current social interaction with the opposite sex is limited largely to women, as my professional specialty is a part of the female anatomy that most men only enjoy in their leisure. Pickings are slim for single lady numero tres, which puts the nice guy you would have once tossed to the wind in a new light. My new question is: should we reverse the cliché? Do guys find themselves attracted to bad girls? I do not wrestle sharks, nor do I drive a motorcycle – I am, in fact, deathly afraid of heights and bugs (I trap them under Margarita glasses and let them die a slow, agonizing death rather than pick them up and kill them – two crickets are currently slowly suffocating on my living room floor) – but I would not chalk myself up to the good girls. I have indulged in a few too many late night sessions of flashdancing with sidewalk chalk on my face semi-blacked out…… a few too many questionable “gatherings” with friends in the basements of fraternity lodges……to believe that I am of the class that you, Mr. I Always Floss My Teeth Even if I Won’t Remember It the Next Morning, can say you are honestly attracted to. I guess that means it’s all or nothing James B. – we are soul mates, and I can’t say that deep down I didn’t know it all along. In the spirit of being open-minded, however, I will currently settle for anyone willing to watch the next holiday Bondathon with me, especially if we can do it in a fort we built in my living room out of couch cushions.
$ingle lady #2: Fantasy vs. reality - the eternal struggle
This morning I awoke to the smell of beef stew (roomie J got a crock pot for Christmas) as well as my now expected 10 new eHarmony matches. My list of men now waiting to hear from me has reached 21 (one named Lenwood??), but I'm focusing on the good ones for now. I've reached open communication with Jay as well as M2, and he impressed me by simply quoting Christmas Vacation instead of simply answering my "What is your favorite Christmas movie?" question. Also it says his occupation is the "Washington Nationals" and I've always had a goal of dating an MLB player (although Tiger Woods is making me rethink this dream). However I was reminded that Jay could be anything from a star shortstop to the bat boy to the guy who presses "play" for the at-bat music (the middle of the Nat's lineup has some GREAT tunes, namely 'In the air tonight' by Phil Collins).
But more on the title of this entry. For the past few months I was presented with this struggle each Sunday (and Thursday and Monday): do I root for Ricky Williams since he is my #2 fantasy football running back, or against him since he is playing the Jets? Now that the fantasy season is over (and I took home my disappointing second place cash prize), I am still pondering the issue when it comes to dating. In only 3 days I've created a fantasy/cyber dating life for myself. But what about the boys I am also pursuing in real life? Which player do I root for? Someone who I've actually met and know that I like, or a mysterious 25 year old who said something clever in his "About me" and is looking for the girl of his dreams?
<3
SLnumero2
$ingle Lady #1: Why did you join eHarmony?
There are lies in every great relationship, right? Honey, you don't look fat in those pants. I LOVE your mother, don't be silly. This dress was only $50, I promise! But when do the lies go from white to grey?
I've reached Stage 3 of GC with 4 guys now. At this stage, we ask each other open-ended questions, that are answered in paragraph form. Finally, a chance to see some part of their personality (and vice versa) above and beyond "what's your ideal getaway: Paris, Hawaii, or skiing in the mountains?" Time is ticking on this free membership, and I'm still on the fence about forking over some hard-earned Christmas checks for a social experiment. We'll see how Bill, Neal, Wesley and Dustin (the current winners in this race against time) fare against my interrogation.
Bill sent me his open ended questions first, and started with an interesting note - why am I a Buffalo Bills fan? (It's all over my profile), as he went to UB and is also a fan. Serious points for Bill. Side note: I actually "closed communication" (oh the horror!) with a Miami Dolphins fan. Honestly? Why did he even bother... but back to Bill. However, his last question was a prompted one - why did you join eHarmony? Herein lies my moral conundrum. The true answer, I was bored, and so I can blog about it, doesn't seem that appropriate. Because I want to find true love and get married and live happily ever after is a lie way further towards the "black" lie than the white on the great continuum. Still considering how to handle that one...
Neal is looking more and more like a creeper. In his must-haves-and-can't-stands (the list of "values" shared in Stage 2 of GC), he says he can't stand "being distant." Sounds harmless, until you read the description, "partner unwilling to have sex several times a week." He also only wants attractive women to communicate with. On the one hand, I'm flattered, since I'm making an assumption that he's a subscriber, so he can see my photo (as a freeharmonizer, I don't have access to his). On the other hand, who really puts that as a can't stand. Again. Creeper.
Welsey is the eager beaver. He "fast tracked" us to open communication after the first day (first Cosmo quiz exchange). Sadly, until I subscribe, I can't read his email. I hope it doesn't say "I'm also just in it for the free weekend, so if you want to be dazzled by me, respond before Tuesday."
Dustin hasn't sent me responses to mine, so I haven't seen his open endedness. Still TBD on this one.
Online dating provides a perfect forum for stretching the truth. How tall you are, how funny you are, how much you enjoy long walks on the beach - can all be fabricated. Hey, even how attractive you are is up for grabs (did no one else Google image a hot, and more importantly older, person when you got the "a/s/l/pic" request in a middle school chat room?). The question remains, how far, is too far?
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
I've reached Stage 3 of GC with 4 guys now. At this stage, we ask each other open-ended questions, that are answered in paragraph form. Finally, a chance to see some part of their personality (and vice versa) above and beyond "what's your ideal getaway: Paris, Hawaii, or skiing in the mountains?" Time is ticking on this free membership, and I'm still on the fence about forking over some hard-earned Christmas checks for a social experiment. We'll see how Bill, Neal, Wesley and Dustin (the current winners in this race against time) fare against my interrogation.
Bill sent me his open ended questions first, and started with an interesting note - why am I a Buffalo Bills fan? (It's all over my profile), as he went to UB and is also a fan. Serious points for Bill. Side note: I actually "closed communication" (oh the horror!) with a Miami Dolphins fan. Honestly? Why did he even bother... but back to Bill. However, his last question was a prompted one - why did you join eHarmony? Herein lies my moral conundrum. The true answer, I was bored, and so I can blog about it, doesn't seem that appropriate. Because I want to find true love and get married and live happily ever after is a lie way further towards the "black" lie than the white on the great continuum. Still considering how to handle that one...
Neal is looking more and more like a creeper. In his must-haves-and-can't-stands (the list of "values" shared in Stage 2 of GC), he says he can't stand "being distant." Sounds harmless, until you read the description, "partner unwilling to have sex several times a week." He also only wants attractive women to communicate with. On the one hand, I'm flattered, since I'm making an assumption that he's a subscriber, so he can see my photo (as a freeharmonizer, I don't have access to his). On the other hand, who really puts that as a can't stand. Again. Creeper.
Welsey is the eager beaver. He "fast tracked" us to open communication after the first day (first Cosmo quiz exchange). Sadly, until I subscribe, I can't read his email. I hope it doesn't say "I'm also just in it for the free weekend, so if you want to be dazzled by me, respond before Tuesday."
Dustin hasn't sent me responses to mine, so I haven't seen his open endedness. Still TBD on this one.
Online dating provides a perfect forum for stretching the truth. How tall you are, how funny you are, how much you enjoy long walks on the beach - can all be fabricated. Hey, even how attractive you are is up for grabs (did no one else Google image a hot, and more importantly older, person when you got the "a/s/l/pic" request in a middle school chat room?). The question remains, how far, is too far?
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
Monday, January 4, 2010
FreeHarmony: Cheating the system
After a productive Sunday spent on the couch with my first HD tv, I felt officially a member of the 21st century (10 years late and 3 days late). In the back of my mind, however, a countdown was raging: 6 hours left of the free communication weekend, 4 hours left... Would I pay for the full membership? How far could Michael #2 and I progress in our communcation stages before time expired?? We were at Step 3, only one step away from glorious "open communication" where I could only assume, all bets were off.
Finally my roomie J and I decided to venture out into the cold to church around 7:30pm, since we had forgotten what fresh air felt like. When mass was over I checked my Blackberry: 10 new emails. "Ten emails during church??" J exclaimed. eHarmony does have a way of making you feel popular. Anyway, one of the emails was about Michael #2 - he had completed Step 3! And again his answers to my open-ended questions were hilarious, solidifying my decision that Michael #2 was far superior to Michael #1 (Also, every one of my matches has had a vanilla name, often Biblical. I suppose that is for searching for White Christian men. Single Lady #1 informed me that her names were more unique since she "opened it up" to Jewish men as well, so as not to limit her NYC options).
Anyway, Michael #2 informed me that Elf was his favorite Christmas movie, which I found acceptable. If he had said Home Alone I would have made our first open communication a marriage proposal, as anyone that knows me knows my obessession with little Kevin and Uncle Frank. At this point it was 10:50pm, so I crafted my first open message: "Please respond within the next 2 hours and 10 minutes, after which free communication weekend will end and I'll disappear forever." He responded within exaclty 4 minutes with his email address. BOOYA, eHarmony. Michael #2 and I don't need you any more!
But now what do I say? Something sassy? I almost forgot that I hate when the ball is in my court. Plus, since I didn't pony up the cash for the membership, I didn't get to see a picture. But he saw mine - totally unfair. Now he knows that I'm not a completely heinous whale, but I have no idea if Michael #2 is Brad Pitt, Joel McHale (if only!!), Pauly D, or some brand of troll I'm not even familiar with. Fortunatley, as many of my friends know, I find about 80% of guys I see attractive, so those are pretty good odds.
Kisses!
Single Lady #2
Finally my roomie J and I decided to venture out into the cold to church around 7:30pm, since we had forgotten what fresh air felt like. When mass was over I checked my Blackberry: 10 new emails. "Ten emails during church??" J exclaimed. eHarmony does have a way of making you feel popular. Anyway, one of the emails was about Michael #2 - he had completed Step 3! And again his answers to my open-ended questions were hilarious, solidifying my decision that Michael #2 was far superior to Michael #1 (Also, every one of my matches has had a vanilla name, often Biblical. I suppose that is for searching for White Christian men. Single Lady #1 informed me that her names were more unique since she "opened it up" to Jewish men as well, so as not to limit her NYC options).
Anyway, Michael #2 informed me that Elf was his favorite Christmas movie, which I found acceptable. If he had said Home Alone I would have made our first open communication a marriage proposal, as anyone that knows me knows my obessession with little Kevin and Uncle Frank. At this point it was 10:50pm, so I crafted my first open message: "Please respond within the next 2 hours and 10 minutes, after which free communication weekend will end and I'll disappear forever." He responded within exaclty 4 minutes with his email address. BOOYA, eHarmony. Michael #2 and I don't need you any more!
But now what do I say? Something sassy? I almost forgot that I hate when the ball is in my court. Plus, since I didn't pony up the cash for the membership, I didn't get to see a picture. But he saw mine - totally unfair. Now he knows that I'm not a completely heinous whale, but I have no idea if Michael #2 is Brad Pitt, Joel McHale (if only!!), Pauly D, or some brand of troll I'm not even familiar with. Fortunatley, as many of my friends know, I find about 80% of guys I see attractive, so those are pretty good odds.
Kisses!
Single Lady #2
$ingle Lady #1: Reasons for dismisal, part deux
I am officially an internet dating slut. $ingle Ladies 2&3 are judicious about their Guided Communication. They pore over profiles looking both for common personality threads and interests, and also for hints of "i'm a murder/rapist." This one isn't funny enough. This one still lives at home. This one has a name that brings back horrific Wal-Mart-experience memories. They evaluate these profiles the way we evaluate potential mates in the real world.
I, on the other hand, am Guided Communicating with the wild abandon of the token Sheltered Childhood girl on the Real World. I'm currently in a various communication stage with 17 men (strumpet!). I'm sending my Cosmo quiz to almost everyone, with the exception so far of only 1 guy, Alex, 23, from Staten Island, United States. Normally I'd make a joke here about not dating people from SI, but ever since my new life goal of being a cast member on Jersey Shore has emerged, I'm reconsidering. However, he lists himself at 5'9", which is really 5'6" when you apply the internet-profile-inflation factor, and what he's looking for in a partner is "awesomeness, someone that makes me go wow." How articulate. I left him in limbo for a day until I discovered that in fact, Alex had dismissed me! On Facebook, if you decline someone's offer of friendship, it just melts passive-aggressively into oblivion with no one the wiser. On eHarmony, you not only get notified in an aggressive large orange box on your "home" page, that your potential match has been closed, you get an email, and the match has the option to TELL you why he closed communication forever. Ouch. In fairness, there is also a rebuttal period, where I could send a message back to him, since eHarmony "believes it's important to give both sides of a match the opportunity to send a message during the close process." This offer, I declined.
Free Communication "weekend" has been extended until tomorrow. More to come...
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
I, on the other hand, am Guided Communicating with the wild abandon of the token Sheltered Childhood girl on the Real World. I'm currently in a various communication stage with 17 men (strumpet!). I'm sending my Cosmo quiz to almost everyone, with the exception so far of only 1 guy, Alex, 23, from Staten Island, United States. Normally I'd make a joke here about not dating people from SI, but ever since my new life goal of being a cast member on Jersey Shore has emerged, I'm reconsidering. However, he lists himself at 5'9", which is really 5'6" when you apply the internet-profile-inflation factor, and what he's looking for in a partner is "awesomeness, someone that makes me go wow." How articulate. I left him in limbo for a day until I discovered that in fact, Alex had dismissed me! On Facebook, if you decline someone's offer of friendship, it just melts passive-aggressively into oblivion with no one the wiser. On eHarmony, you not only get notified in an aggressive large orange box on your "home" page, that your potential match has been closed, you get an email, and the match has the option to TELL you why he closed communication forever. Ouch. In fairness, there is also a rebuttal period, where I could send a message back to him, since eHarmony "believes it's important to give both sides of a match the opportunity to send a message during the close process." This offer, I declined.
Free Communication "weekend" has been extended until tomorrow. More to come...
xo,
$ingle Lady #1
Hm, pretty sure $ingle Lady #3 sounds like a raging bitch. Oh well
Real men read real books.
In the spirit of change I have pledged to date a man in the year 2010, fortunately I have all of twelve months to make this happen. Mind you, I did not spend the past four years dating a woman, far from it I assure you, but as my friend K and I have spent numerous hours discussing as of late….not all men are MEN. Indeed, K maintains that her definition of a man is someone who lets you wear the pants outside of the bedroom but takes care of business when the door is shut. She is concise – I am not – and my definition, on the other hand, is a work in progress. The experiences of the past weekend, a little free communication on my new e-harmony account…..a little shopping, have given me a few solid examples of what real men are not:
1.A man will never, ever, EVER say that his favorite book is the Da Vinci Code. I have read the Da Vinci Code, I also saw the movie, but given the countless possibilities of literary splendor out there, I question your choice, and thus I question your originality and your personality. Communication Status: Closed. Reason: Other. 2.Real Men do not say things like “Life’s a garden. Dig it!” Enough said. 3.You, as a member of the male species, do not belong in Victoria’s Secret. Your presence, as you hold your wife’s panties and purse, makes me uncomfortable – more so, because you are eyeing my pile of lacy intimates. You are the reason they place benches oh so conveniently outside the entrance to the store. 4.A name says a lot. Lloyd? Oleg? Junathun? I cannot even bring myself to view your dating profiles. 5.I am assuming that if you are looking to seriously date a woman you are a grown-up. Men drink coffee, not Mountain Dew, I’m sorry….are you 10? 6.You are most passionate about government and institutional corruption…..scary. 7.You are under the age of thirty and taking salsa lessons? Alone? I endorse the pursuit of any myriad of hobbies, but salsa dancing does not make this girl’s lava bubble.
Perhaps I am being close-minded (or harsh) as I rejoin the rat race, but if an atrocious breakup teaches you anything it teaches you you’re better off alone than with someone who isn’t what you want. So, my man, if you exist, it is my belief that not only do you own suspenders, but you look very good when you wear them. Likewise, you drink coffee and wine, as well as the obligatory beer and bourbon. You can love football, hockey, WWF….I don’t really care, as long as your culinary knowledge extends beyond that of the frozen pizza. Like I said, a work in progress, but who could fail to see that some definite progress was made this weekend……
In the spirit of change I have pledged to date a man in the year 2010, fortunately I have all of twelve months to make this happen. Mind you, I did not spend the past four years dating a woman, far from it I assure you, but as my friend K and I have spent numerous hours discussing as of late….not all men are MEN. Indeed, K maintains that her definition of a man is someone who lets you wear the pants outside of the bedroom but takes care of business when the door is shut. She is concise – I am not – and my definition, on the other hand, is a work in progress. The experiences of the past weekend, a little free communication on my new e-harmony account…..a little shopping, have given me a few solid examples of what real men are not:
1.A man will never, ever, EVER say that his favorite book is the Da Vinci Code. I have read the Da Vinci Code, I also saw the movie, but given the countless possibilities of literary splendor out there, I question your choice, and thus I question your originality and your personality. Communication Status: Closed. Reason: Other. 2.Real Men do not say things like “Life’s a garden. Dig it!” Enough said. 3.You, as a member of the male species, do not belong in Victoria’s Secret. Your presence, as you hold your wife’s panties and purse, makes me uncomfortable – more so, because you are eyeing my pile of lacy intimates. You are the reason they place benches oh so conveniently outside the entrance to the store. 4.A name says a lot. Lloyd? Oleg? Junathun? I cannot even bring myself to view your dating profiles. 5.I am assuming that if you are looking to seriously date a woman you are a grown-up. Men drink coffee, not Mountain Dew, I’m sorry….are you 10? 6.You are most passionate about government and institutional corruption…..scary. 7.You are under the age of thirty and taking salsa lessons? Alone? I endorse the pursuit of any myriad of hobbies, but salsa dancing does not make this girl’s lava bubble.
Perhaps I am being close-minded (or harsh) as I rejoin the rat race, but if an atrocious breakup teaches you anything it teaches you you’re better off alone than with someone who isn’t what you want. So, my man, if you exist, it is my belief that not only do you own suspenders, but you look very good when you wear them. Likewise, you drink coffee and wine, as well as the obligatory beer and bourbon. You can love football, hockey, WWF….I don’t really care, as long as your culinary knowledge extends beyond that of the frozen pizza. Like I said, a work in progress, but who could fail to see that some definite progress was made this weekend……
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