$ingle Lady #1: I am not attractive to people from Staten Island

It's official. I am not attractive to people from Staten Island (note: not "not attracted to," although so far the Eharmony variety hasn't been promising). I've been Closed by every single match from there. Guess my dream to live like the Jersey Shore (or at least date The Situation) isn't going to work out. PJ, from somewhere far off in New Jersey Closed communication because the physical distance between us is too great - and at a healthy 5'7" I couldn't agree more.

Dustin hasn't responded to my email. I'm concerned he's been scared off by my Grand Disclaimer and may not do that again. Sorry Moral Compasses. On the other hand, he could be waiting for his better half, Alan to make a move. My conspiracy paranoia is starting to get the best of me though, as I'm 99% certain I saw Neal in DSW today, and promptly ran away.

In an effort to expand my hobbies so I have something to respond when guys ask me what I do in my free time, I purchased extremely adorable workout gear today - mostly in an attempt to placate all my matches who enjoy "running in Central Park" with their dates. The poor guys won't know what hit them when I stroll up, wheezing from the walk from the subway, sweating and red faced like no other. At least I'll have a cute top on. Dating is exhausting!

'til next time,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle Lady #1: Hot or Not

At the third request of “Great pic! Would love to see more photos…” I conceded. I added 5 more Facebook profile photos, mostly close up face shots because, let’s face it, they’re just checking to make sure I’m hot from other angles. I did add one group shot (of my football watching ladies’ holiday card) for a direct height comparison. Yes, I really am 5’10”. One of my photos was rejected. I think I’m showing too much arm.

Apparently, I only look hot in a football jersey. Ryan (“Ronnie,” the first to send that ice breaker, and the one with the profile photo of him hoisting two unwilling females into the air) promptly closed communication, due to “Other,” which, as now a seasoned user of the Close button, I know means “you’re not cute enough for me.” Maybe I should re-think these extra photos…

Wesley, bless his heart, is still holding out that I’ll respond to his emails. It seems to be bad form to just not respond (silly passive-aggressive me!), so I suppose I’ll have to Close communication with him at some point.

xo,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle lady #2: $ynonym$

Let's talk about Andre (just to make sure I didn't learn my lesson from the S incident, I'll continue to write questionably mean posts about my possible lovers). Andre was the only one to send me an "Icebreaker" - love your smile!! Gee thanks, Andre. And he's fast-tracked me to messages, where he mentioned the beautiful smile yet again. He seems cute enough (in approximately 57% of his photos)...but I have some issues with the profile. See if you follow this logic:

The one thing Andre wishes MORE people would notice about him is: How dedicated and passionate I am

One thing that only Andre's best friends know is: How incredibly driven and dedicated I am

Some additional information Andre wanted you to know is: This would take forever

Well jeez Andre, you obviously aren't dedicated and driven enough to finish your incredibly long and taxing eHarmony profile. But thanks for the many bullet points on just how motivated you are.

But as SL#1 mentioned to me today, we are probably going to have to go on some dates soon if we want to keep up our fan base. On an unrelated note, blogging has led me to further understanding of the Cosmo writer. You know how all of their magazine articles always use ridiculous synonyms and euphemisms for your boyfriend or sex (i.e. "your man's package," "your guy's hot spot"). Well it is hard not to seem repetitive: so far I realize that I've called these guys: dudes, my prefect man, possible lovers, potential soul mates...phew, synonym generation is hard work!

sincerely,

un-attached girl II

$ingle Lady #1: Small Step for Internet Dating, Big Step for $L#1

I did it. Tore into open emailing like ripping off a bandaid. While I'm still toying with the idea of inviting both Dustin and Alan to the same bar, same time to make sure it's not one creeper, I decided it was finally time to push forward. So far, I've been happy to passively accept questions and answers without really having to think. It's amazing how much Communicating you can do without actually saying anything.

I've sent my first real message to Dustin, 28, New York, United States (and one-half of the Dustin-Alan Duo). Easy and breezy (another 2010 resolutions) I bantered about restaurants and football and trashy TV (I swear, he asked for it!), and asked him questions about his Broncos fandom (a habit we'll have to break) and his own self-admitted Bravo addiction. To placate the Moral Compasses, I closed with a note about how I needed to be honest, and still wasn't sure how I felt about internet dating. How's that for easy breezy? Now I have to start keeping better track, as now the back-and-forth one-at-a-time format has been abandoned. Apparently, eH has decided we're responsible enough to communicate unrestricted.

In a totally separate side note, someone has FINALLY not answered "respect" in my test question "What would you rather have the most of: money, power, respect, or fame." Everyone answers respect, because whether it's true or not, very few people have the guile to put anything but. Tim, 25, Brooklyn, thinks all are intrinsic to power, so he goes with that, which is totally my answer, so plus 1 for him. He also has ridiculous blue eyes, so I guess plus 2.

$L#2 and I have both hit our first major creepy roadblocks in the voyage of e-harmonizing. Thus far, I'm not deterred, but I may take an extra body guard (posing as a tourist) when these turn into real dates!

Also - to respond to some "fan" posts...Sarah - appreciate the solidarity. I'll let them know to watch out when I actually date them, and J - I don't think I specified race as an important match critera, but so far all have been Caucasian.

Stay tuned!

xo,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle lady #2: HOLY $HOOT

ABORT ABORT ABORT.

Through some detective work, Roomie J and I discovered that we went to college with S. You probably know him too. Do his friends know that he's on eH??? Can I make sure that he and everyone else knows this was only for experimental purposes and to become millionaire bloggers?

I'm off to die now. Shootshootshoot.

SL2

$ingle lady #2: The realm of normalcy

Today has been pretty productive so far. I feel like poo and am home sick. So far, I've received two eH messages (ones I want, that is), as well as finished season one of The Wire.

On to the messages! Ben has reciprocated with a message even sassier than mine. And while I admire his skill in the flirtatious writing department, I fear I'm still at least two coy messages away from an actual date invitation.

Steve, on the other hand, is forging ahead. He told me about his drunken weekend celebrating his 26th birthday (which among the 31-year-olds who like to spend Saturday mornings produce shopping at the local market, is just fine with me), and asked if I'd like to get a drink this week and "move this into the realm of normalcy." The message was nicely concluded with his digits. Luckily I included "I hate talking on the phone" as a fact about myself in our earlier correspondence, so he shouldn't be expecting anything more than a text (although my preferred medium of courting males is gchat).

I'm wondering how long is appropriate to wait to respond to these messages...in real life I feel it's necessary to wait a bit, don't seem to desperate SL#2!! And I've been trying to play "hard to get" on eH as well. As soon as the thought entered my head and I typed the words, I had to laugh...I mean it's the mother of all oxymorons. Guess what Steve and Ben - I'm not hard to get...I'm internet dating.

rollin out,

$L2

$ingle Lady #1 - You've Never Looked Better

What a great email subject line to wake up to. I may program my clock radio (ok, I don't really have one of those, but I secretly miss it) to wake me up with that statement every morning. I open it up, and squint to read the print on my teensy Blackberry screen - it begins with "You're about to get a makeover!" This just keeps getting better and better! What a well spent $120, because I know that's about what a haircut at SuperCuts costs in NYC, let alone a full blown makeover! Alas, it's just my profile, as eHarmz is renovating. On the bright side, photos will now be 2x larger - plan foiled you suitors who use those ridiculous far-off scenery shots from atop the Great Wall. See $L#2.

Dustin (28, New York, United States) has joined official email communication. Unlike Wesley, who pointlessly FastTracked me to two ignored emails, he fed off of information we've exchanged to craft a funny and relevant first email. It's almost like we've actually met! I'm now almost convinced either we're soul mates, or that he and Alan (ALSO 28, New York, United States) are manipulating the system, and are in this together! Stay with me here...

Dustin begins with was list 5 random things about yourself was one, where I obviously revealed that I'm pretty sure I still hold the record for fastest scans per minute at the grocery store I worked at when I was 16 (shout out Quality Markets...now in bankruptcy...all downhill after I left). Alan begins with list 10 random things about yourself (greedy bastard). They sneakily split for the second one - Dustin, with a direct playful hit to my sports fandom. "Of your teams 4 straight Super Bowl defeats, which was the hardest to swallow?" Knife to the heart, sir, but touche. Alan comes at me with a stupid question about describing a dream I look forward to coming true. Lame. Dustin ends with asking me if I'm adventurous. Eh. At Alan's third one I gag a little bit - "They say life is about simple pleasures. What's your simplest pleasure and how does it make you feel?" Gross. In my quest to be white-lie-only truthful to these gents, I replied that my simplest pleasure is hot dogs, and I feel full because of them.

Fast forward to today, when Dustin responds to my answers with his first open email. The line appears: "Most importantly, which place makes a better hot dog -PDT or shakeshack??" Now, all you non-New Yorkers don't know this, but PDT (the hot dog part of which is called Crif Dogs) is a hole-in-the-wall dive that makes hot dogs deep-fried and wrapped in bacon, smothered in amazing toppings. My personal fave is sour cream and avocado (a diet only a mother could love...). Shakeshack is a NYC landmark. At first, I exclaimed in delight - what a thoughtful email! He responded to the other points in my answers, and in a grand finale, throws out two of the greatest hot dog vendors of all time. I'll even overlook the doube question mark. But wait, look back, oh loyal reader, as it was ALAN, not Dustin, who got my response about hot dogs.

Re-creeped out. I retire for the night.

xo,
$ingle Lady #1

$ingle lady #2: Pet peevz

I just read $L1's post and I've been having the same thought: these dudes are alllll the same. Here are some of my biggest eHarmz "pet peeves" so far:

1. One of your three "best life skills" (eH provides a list from which to choose) is "Creating romance in a relationship." COME ONNN. Of all the things you've conquered in life, excelled at, shown promise...I dunno maybe teaching underprivileged children to read, problem-solving, Sodoku, paint-by-numbers, balancing your checkbook, cooking, table tennis...I'd take anything else. But I am extremely skeptical if you consider your #1 LIFE SKILL to be sprinkling rose petals on the bed, lighting candles and treating me to a relaxing bubble bath - because I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU.

2. The backdrops of your pictures are Rome, Prague and Hong Kong. It's cool - I get it. You've traveled, studied abroad even! And they are beautiful scenes. I don't really know why this bothers me so much. It just doesn't really tell me anything about you because I can't tell a) if your apartment is spotless/disgusting and b) if you generally roll with the Mathletes or a gaggle of hot girls...things I really want to analyze. Also it makes it harder for me to spot your receding hairline when you are a tiny figurine on top of a mountain.

3. You list your ex-girlfriend as the "most influential person in your life." Holy Hell, that's just asking for trouble.

4. You are 6 feet tall, and you are never ever ever 5'11." Upwards of 40 men, ranging from 5'5" (yipes!) to 6'4," and not one person is 5'11." I am certain this is because you are all rounding up.

5. The caption on your picture reads: "My sister and I." No...n-n-n-n-no (said like Sammi Sweetheart, waving my hand in the air). You wouldn't say "This is a picture of I." It is a picture of ME, so it is a picture of my sister and ME.

Update: Still waiting to hear back from Slampiece after what I considered to be an artfully crafted, flirty yet not too forward, response to his message; got a funny message from Steve (aka sports sports sports); received 30 emails full of WOOF-worthy new matches.

Go Jets!

$L#2

$ingle Lady #1: On the Wings of Love...

I feel for the new Bachelor, Jake. First, he has an entire batch of crazy women to deal with. That will stay with the poor kid all season. I can already tell that the producers are paying him on the side to keep Michele around. She is off. her. rocker. More importantly though, I would love to see the outtakes of the first episode to see how many mistakes he makes. As always, Jake stands in a grove as limo after limo of predominantly "models" step out in gowns, give him a hug, maybe do a kitchy gimmick, then prance into the house for the cocktail party. Each woman vies for one-on-one time so he "knows" them before he makes his first cut - with nearly 40% of them on the chopping block. How does he keep them straight? He's met them for mayyyybe 4 hours, with mayyyybe 5 minutes with each, and is expected to find the 60% of them who could potentially be his future wife.

I guess the point of that diatribe is a public apology to Neal. I was showing off my "collection" to some coworkers and discovered it wasn't him who was the apparent sex addict. In fact, I have absolutely no idea who it is (side effect of being an internet slut, I guess). He can now officially sue me for libel.

In my defense, there are only 5-6 questions in the initial About Me questionnaire, so they're bound to run together. Everyone is most thankful for family, friends and usually their career. Who really cares what book they just read (unless of course, you're one of the now two admirers who just read The Blind Side. see previous posts)? Everyone has a variation of the line: "if I told you, they wouldn't be the only ones to know" in response to the question "What do only Name's best friends know about him?" How is a girl supposed to keep them all straight?!

In an effort to avoid the Neal Situation again, I've started cutting more ruthlessly. Anyone under 24, or over 30 is out (parameters that are now a new official match requirement). Anyone from a town in NJ that I've never heard of...basically anywhere but Hoboken...is out. Like $L#2 I use a loose interpretation of "the physical distance between us is too great" as a Closing reason to imply both geographical distance, as well as to weed out anyone under 5'9". At least eHarmony seems to have learned that I won't travel for love, as they're back to suggesting primarily NYC-area prospects for me. I am now exchanging surveys, values and messages with only 18 men. Well, probably 17, as Wesley is about to drop me for being a bad communicator.

After a brief hiatus, during which I had a panic attack for how creepy this ritual is, I'm back in black-and off to answer some free-form essays.

'til next time...xo,
$ingle Lady #1