$ingle Lady #1 is a real Single Lady...and Dood meets the Fam

There are a lot of days, when it's 11 pm and I'm formatting an Excel spreadsheet, that I wonder why I stay at my job. But, then there are also days, like Thursday evening, that I remember why I do (other than the supreme satisfaction that what I do all day makes more people buy Dove soap. No really). You're lookin at [the writing of] a girl who's taking dance lessons from Beyonce's choreographer, learning the actual Single Ladies dance. Seriously. Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY

Sadly, I can't do the frog legs part and make it look sexy, although, let's be serious, what about the statement "frog legs part" even SOUNDS sexy. However, my time will come, during the stripper dance booty-out-swoop-up-from-a-crouch part, since that's how I dance anyways (Mom, it's not as bad as it sounds...). We're currently up to the :41s mark. Phew.

Last night was an office going away party for two fallen comrades. Super casual, since it was a Friday night, but pretty high attendance. My night was supposed to begin with that, early, then swing over to another bar to watch the Buffalo Sabres game. As always, I was at work too late and scrambled to get to the first place at all, so I was stuck there. Lawyerboy was supposed to meet me at the Sabres bar to be appraised by two [judgy] friends to do a quick temperature check on my 5th date. Not wanting to go another two week stretch without seeing him, I made a bold decision to invite him to the bar with my coworkers.

For people who work in normal offices, this isn't a big deal. Casual Friday evening drinks at a neighborhood pub, where everyone sits around, probably talking about work, then leaves at a reasonable hour to go home to their families. Or real people lives. For me, this isn't the case.

The last time I brought a guy to meet my coworkers we were on our 5th round of shots by the time he got there. One friend pushed him onto a bar stool and screamed "WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY FRIEND" in his face. Two male coworkers cooked up a scheme to tell him that one of them was my ex-boyfriend, then he spent the whole night lurking a step or two next to me. [Editor's note: that was quick to unravel soon thereafter]. Sometimes it's hard that everyone you work with thinks we're all related. Imagine my apprehension with bringing another poor sucker into the fold.

Strangely, it worked out pretty beautifully. Most people had left by the time he arrived, so it was a smaller core group. One girl did waltz up to meet him, I turned away briefly and returned to her telling him she was going to slap him, him not backing down, followed by her declaration of love for him before she gave him a huge hug. Still don't know what that was about...

Overall, we survived the night. I'm sure I'll get a full debriefing on Monday, but did get a text this morning "Honestly, I didn't want to like him [shocker] but he seems like a good guy. You have my permission to continue," out of one of my tougher big brothers.

He has a total of three families to impress. One down last night with my coworkers (well, "down" I guess we'll see on Monday!). One doesn't happen until football season starts. Then my real family. Poor kid is swimmin upstream...

<3,
$L#1

$ingle lady #4 has no pity

Leo: so one date and thats it huh...

Why do boys take this approach with girls?? Guilt-tripping me into going out with you is no way into this $ingle lady's heart. I just received this gchat from my friend Leo and it has really put a crimp in my Thursday afternoon.

Speaking with a fellow $L, I copied and pasted the above statement to which she replied:

C: honestly, i hate when guys take that approach, like "oh, i feel bad for you now so of course ill go on second date."

It's true though! Yes, I have been not initiating gchats with him, but I didn't reject him for a second date. He had asked me last week if I was interested in going out for dinner, I had legitimate plans each night with friends to do something (which is when he dropped the second question about my eH dating escapades), and I haven't heard from him since! This gchat is DEFINITELY not dignified a response.

PS. I received a match this week named Zeke. Hello character from a Goosebumps novel.

PPS. I also received an awkward bbm this morning from my old friend W (see ranting blog post from several weeks ago). IGNORE.

$tatistic$

Very interesting!!


I especially like: 1 in 3 women have sex when they meet a match in person for the first time?? I'm pretty positive we're 0-fer here at AT$L...

$ingle lady #2's crush of the week, and the small small world that is eH

My lover of the week is named Chaz.* His fave Christmas move is Home Alone 2, he used to live in NYC, is super-cute and wearing a George-Clooney-in-Ocean's-Eleven-suit-with-no-tie in his picture, is 28 and has started his own company. BONUS!

*I've been told to stop using real names. I wish his name was Chaz.

We flew through our guided communication, and he writes me an email to say he has "a good feeling about this" and throws out several options for dates this weekend, as well as his email address and number. I email back to say that I'm out of town this weekend, but next week would be an option.

As I anxiously wait to hear back, I decide to do some light stalking now that I have his email address and last name. There he is on Facebook - hmm he graduated from a tiny liberal arts college outside of Philadelphia...I've heard of this before...and we have a friend in common! Who could it be?? Can you guess??







Yes, cookie crisp. Is this for real? Shoot I hope they fight over me.

-SL#2

$ingle lady #5's BiG NiGhT

So I went on my date last night. Overall I'd rate it an 8 based on the fact that I laughed 75% of it, there were no awkward silences, and he was pretty talkative. He obviously did some light google stalking. Within the first 5 minutes he asked where I went for undergrad, I replied "Richmond" and he responded with "THE SPIDERS! They had a big upset back in 1987." Someone did some homework... Any way whatev he was pretty cute... an 8 on the SPS.

Signs the date went well / Pros of Michael
-He paid
-He gave me a hug at the end
-He touched my leg at least at least four times.
-He likes sports.
-He is Catholic.

Signs the date went not so well / Cons of Michael
-There was no follow-up "Lets do this again!!!"
- I have a small bladder and went to the bathroom twice- 20 minutes
apart. I hope he didn't think I was texting my friends.
- Some how my CPA flashcards became topic of conversation and he
started quizzing me.


So IDK, if he calls sweet. If he doesn't I'll move on. $L2 said no texting "Thanks for last night!" So i'll give myself all day today to act like a 15 year old and then I'm moving on.

-$L5

$ingle Lady #4 is matchless

I think it would be an understatement that I am disappointed with eHarmz right now. I've expressed my complaints before here and there but I'm very much starting to regret this membership. It has been a full week since I have received a new match. The last being a 31 year old named Albert (Brenaman?). I was hoping for some new matches at least this past week since it was yet another free communication weekend. But alas, no slampieces have been delivered to me.

I have decided to actively start ignoring Leo. I was slightly optimistic after our date to give him a second chance to redeem himself from his tool-ish comments, hoping that it was just first date jitters. Alas my theories about gchat style have come to life with this one. It started last week when he asked me this:

leo: so have any other "eharmz" dates this week? (I made the mistake of dropping our nickname for the site).

Now, I share my dating activities with friends. I do NOT share with someone who I might potentially go out with? He asked me this again a few days later when he asked me out for dinner. This is when I started to get weirded out. He has made attempts to gchat but I've been sort of non responsive. This just solidified $L 2's discount clothing theory. Honestly, I'm sure he is a nice guy. But he was definitely that cute dress on the hanger. He just came on a little too strong for my liking and now I am turned off.

My other strategy of ignoring the boring matches and straight-to-email aggressive matches has somewhat worked and I've been closed by them! Further cutting down the list.

However as my current dating life is the dumps, I am thinking about going into business with Patti Stanger and becoming a matchmaker, as I made a potential love connection between 2 friends this weekend! As my ploy to hit on the cute guy with the SBH (southern boy haircut) backfired (he turned out to be underage?), my friends were enjoying themselves on the d-floor. Frankly I've always been better at matching other people than myself.

Praying for new matches,
$L #4

$ingle lady #2: Hi, my name is $ingle lady #2...sincerely, $ingle lady #2

I've had an onslaught of straight-to-email requests in the past few days. eHarmony discourages, and I'm starting to think they may have a point. I kind of like taking the normal path, reading their cosmo quizzes, must haves, and seeing what kind of open-ended questions/answers they can craft.

The email invitation strategies, have been varied, though:

-"Hi how are you!" ...umm what kind of response were you expecting? "Good, how are you?" This could on for approximately 12 weeks before I uncover his favorite color.

-"Um, hi, I just wanted to say that you're pretty haha and just wanted to say hi and just wanted to say that I'd like to get to know you haha." ...If you just wanted to say it, JUST SAY IT! Grow a pair.

-"Hi my name is John and I think we'd get along. My # is XX and my email is XX. Thanks, John" ...a) I know your name is John it's all over your profile and b) eeeeeassy there cowboy.

-"What are the top ten things I should know about you?" ....Ten? Let's not be greedy. Although, here is what I'd like to say:

1. I've bitten my nails since I was 2. I may have found the cure thanks to OPI Axxium Gel Polish.
2. I love skinny people and would love to be one. Like, really skinny.
3. Unfortunately, I love cheeb's too much to achieve #2.
4. I am writing a blog about you.
5. I am addicted to shopping, which I got from my mom, which she got from my grandmother.
6. I don't want a boy who is sensitive. Don't cry.
7. The way to my heart is through Nike Air Cole Haan shoes.
8. While I love my job, I'm pretty sure I'd love to have a collection of aprons and spend my day like June Cleaver.
9. When I read the questions that screen for alcoholism on questionnaires I administer at work, I get concerned about my behavior.
10. No, really, I'm writing a blog about you right now.

What do you think - send?

$ingle lady #5 brought a nip of tequila in preparation for her date tonight

After going back and forth with Mike the school teacher, we're finally going on a date tonight. I'm already sweating. He gave me his gchat email since "he doesn't really check eH that often." This is actually code for, "your return time on my eH averages 5-7 days so let's cut to the chase and go straight to gchat." His gchat email is cwru625@.... WTF? Who doesn't use their actual name? This reminds me of college screen names like Surfstud919. He probably made this name up for signing up for free porn and eH. I gave him mine, realizing he has full access to facebook/google stalking.

So I received an email last night at 8p. "Tuesday night. Pepper Cannister. 7p. Talk soon." So it is official. I BBM'd my bffs, requesting outfit advice. All my clothes are at the dry cleaners except for two pairs of tight pants- black and khaki. I wore the black Monday so I was left with the Khaki. The outfit choosing convo went as follows:


BFF: Wear work sexual attire.
Me:I wore my sexy pants today.
BFF: Like wear a cute work outfit.
Me. I know how about tight suit khaki pants, jcrew ruffly tank and cardigan.
BFF: No NO KHAKIS.
BFF: Well do you have anything else tight?
Me: Everything else is at the dry cleaners. What about a black wrap dress?
BFF: YES!
Me: Ok done!

So this morning I'm wearing... my khaki pants, jcrew ruffly tank and cardigan.

Counting down til 7p.

SL5

$L #6's mom rewrites her eHarm profile

So I showed my Mom my eHarm profile, and she was not happy. In fact, Mama edited the crap out of it. The final product turned out to be way better, though, so I'm sharing her wisdom here.

The one thing Laura is most passionate about:

Old: Grammar and vocabulary, Philadelphia sports teams, summertime at the Jersey Shore, friends and family

Mom says: “You have grammar and vocabulary first?! Geez, that scares even me. Do NOT put that as your passion. Even if you are, some boy that doesn’t know his SAT words is going to be intimidated by you. Get that off there.”

New: Philadelphia sports teams, summertime at the Jersey Shore, cooking/grilling

Height

Old: 5′3”

Mom says: Really? You’re only 5′3”? Change that to 5′4” and go to yoga. We’ll stretch you. Wear heels.

New: 5′4”

The one thing Laura wishes MORE people would notice about her is:

Old: That I’m awesome at board games.

Mom says: Hmm, that makes it seem like you stay inside playing Trivial Pursuit at night. Make it more inclusive. More mysterious.

New: That you definitely want me on your team.

The things Laura can’t live without are:

Old:

• breakfast food, especially bacon
• gchat
• cheese
• my DVR
• dogs

Mom says: “Too many food items! Get that breakfast food off there. Everyone knows you like bacon, let him find that out on his own. Your DVR? No. Gchat? What the hell is gchat? Let’s be more specific, less fatty, and more interesting.”

New:

• Christmas
• iTunes
• golden retrievers
• the beach
• cheese

Some additional information Laura wanted you to know is:

Old: If you like the Giants or the Cowboys or the Yankees, we might not get along.

Mom says: “Too exclusive. What if a Giants fan has a nice smile and will buy you flowers?”

New: If you like the Giants or the Cowboys or the Yankees, we might not get along….but we can try.

_______________

So, what did I learn from my Mom? Keep it short and sweet. Some detail is good, too much detail is cumbersome. Be honest, but open-minded. Be yourself. Don’t try too hard. And also, Moms are usually right.

$L#6 - WTF is a Personal Blanket?

Occupation: Children's Fitness Instructor

Leisure time: Hanging out, playing video games and poker

Things XX can't live without:

• Personal Blanket
• sports
• gambling
• ipod
• friends

Discuss.

$ingle lady #2: two-date curse

I'm just not sure if I'll ever make it past two dates with a guy. CC and I seem to have fizzled out, although he did send me a text at 2:30am on Friday. I'm sorry, did I miss the part when we progressed to booty-call-status? Considering he didn't even try to kiss me on the first two dates, I found this a bit forward.

I've been traveling and not in DC, and today finally took some time to catch up with my matches. One, who I thought was promising and cute, AND who said his favorite Christmas movies are Home Alone and Die Hard (major props for counting both of these as xmas flicks), has closed me. The reason? "Because I was put on hold." Now we have discussed the "Final Message" options here at AT$L several times, and none of them are "Wait! I was just busy! Don't be impatient, I'm ready to respond!" There's basically no way I can say that, unless I say "I think we had potential" or some shit like that. So I guess it was not meant to be. Because really, I took so long to answer the questions because they were too hard. I literally spent 20 minutes searching for the response I wrote to someone else when asked "What are the three best traits you have to offer?" so I could copy and paste instead of thinking about it again.

Sorry for being MIA, I have more things to say stored up for later today,
$L#2