$ingle Lady #3: Are you there James, it’s me…….

I do not believe I am a bum, but I am too lazy to be single. Indeed, single ladies one and two are even more diligent about their blog posts than this gal over here. I have not made it past guided communication with any of my free matches. It’s true; the lengthy list of must-haves that I must choose from is just too much for me. Likewise, my dating profile consists of six words. E-harmony requires essays. Essays? No way, I wrote my thesis and vowed never to write like that again – I certainly won’t do it for the sake of internet communication. To be frank, I am surprised these men want to communicate in any sort of guided way with “yoga, running, art, books, dogs, and languages” (that sounds like the sections of a book store, not a person). Indeed, I am even skeptical about the “normal” men who express an interest because via my lazy dating profile I look not only to be a boring sixty year old retiree (creepy fetishes anyone?), but like a walking cliché.

Thus, I arrived at my epiphany as I drove home this evening. I would like to date James Bond. Unrealistic, yes, but I think I’m holding out – I’m certainly saying screw your essays e-harmony. To back track, I love James, more specifically Roger Moore, but I’m an equal opportunity fanatic. My friends have not seen me on a holiday in at least seven years as a result of the infamous holiday Bondathon on spike TV. How did I get here, you ask? My question to myself involved the age old cliché that girls go for bad boys. Is this true? No way #3, I said to myself, your dream guy wears suspenders…………..and drives you on his motorcycle to Crate & Barrel – uh oh, I’m in trouble. My fantasy man wears a tux while he wrestles sharks and I’m pretty sure that does not exist, which does not bode well for the realistic possibility of encountering the motorcycle driving, suspender wearing Crate & Barrel lover I envision myself with. My question is, do you settle for the nice guy? Obviously, e-harmony is not for me, which limits my current love matches to something I can count on one hand…..or not count at all. Sad, I know, but unfortunately my current social interaction with the opposite sex is limited largely to women, as my professional specialty is a part of the female anatomy that most men only enjoy in their leisure. Pickings are slim for single lady numero tres, which puts the nice guy you would have once tossed to the wind in a new light. My new question is: should we reverse the cliché? Do guys find themselves attracted to bad girls? I do not wrestle sharks, nor do I drive a motorcycle – I am, in fact, deathly afraid of heights and bugs (I trap them under Margarita glasses and let them die a slow, agonizing death rather than pick them up and kill them – two crickets are currently slowly suffocating on my living room floor) – but I would not chalk myself up to the good girls. I have indulged in a few too many late night sessions of flashdancing with sidewalk chalk on my face semi-blacked out…… a few too many questionable “gatherings” with friends in the basements of fraternity lodges……to believe that I am of the class that you, Mr. I Always Floss My Teeth Even if I Won’t Remember It the Next Morning, can say you are honestly attracted to. I guess that means it’s all or nothing James B. – we are soul mates, and I can’t say that deep down I didn’t know it all along. In the spirit of being open-minded, however, I will currently settle for anyone willing to watch the next holiday Bondathon with me, especially if we can do it in a fort we built in my living room out of couch cushions.